I assure you this is a very interesting story. Just try to follow up. You will enjoy it more if you have the gift of a vivid imagination.
Firstly, there is a prequel...
10 days ago, the 25th of December 2022, which happened to be Christmas day. I spent the day out with my friends and this lovely family that hosted us for Christmas, and on our way home where we stood to hail a cab, I felt as if something tapped my bum.
Apparently, one uncultured boy on a moving bike decided my small ass was worth tapping. My response to stimuli was quite slow that day, it took a few seconds before it somehow adjusted.
However, when it did, I cussed terribly after him. I didn’t even mind that my pastor was standing right next to me that day. I felt violated. Throughout my journey home, I wondered if there was justification for whatever that boy did.
Note: I was decently dressed that day, and my bum is actually small. So what exactly enacted that character from that useless boy? No factor whatsoever!
One of the things I may never know.
Now The Story,
I was in the motor park yesterday, waiting to hail a ride to my next destination. I would still have to wait at three different bus stops before arriving at my next destination.
Voila!
Deja vu!
The event of 10 days ago was reenacted, but this time with a crazier plot twist. Someone tapped my small ass again. There were a lot of people at the park and this group of teenage boys around me were all looking innocent.
I turned around again to boldly ask in Yoruba, “Who tapped my bum here?! ”
Of course, the guys denied it, some ignored it, and as expected, some even laughed. One elderly man was particularly pissed by that act, he kept soliloquizing and complaining on my behalf.
Unknown to me, God of small ass came through for me, he had prepared for me, a guardian angel (my olugbala).
Three sharp-looking guys walked over to the scene, they had seen the whole drama from a distance away, where they stood to buy fruits. Two of them moved close to confront the perpetrator, a very young boy who didn’t even try to deny.
I felt anger and pity at the same time for the boy. Apparently, he was dared by his friends, who were all quick to desert him when he got caught. I was too angry to address him. I let him go, but not without saying word for word, “Get the hell out of my face and get a life. You fucking loser!”
The people at the park kept apologizing to me, most especially the men (I should capitalize on this). I caught a weird stare from a woman, and I wouldn’t know why. The other women just acted blind (This is a conversation for later)
To the less serious parts,
As expected, one of my guardian angels thinks I’m pretty, and wouldn’t mind driving me to my destination which I declined. He requested for my WhatsApp number because he cannot call with his American number, blah blah blah
In a bid to impress me, he told me he came to Nigeria for the holidays, blah…blah…blah in his “Ameriba” accent (American mixed with yoruba accent).
I smiled in ijgb - Ijgb is an acronym for I just got back (it’s a lingo used for Nigerians who live in diaspora, but visit for holidays).
He did look pleasing to the eyes, fornication - level - tempting kind of pleasing, but the forced accent was a big turn-off. Though I appreciate his kindness to me, but bad timing bruh! I wouldn’t even deny the disrespect I was still feeling inside of me as a result of that teenage boy's action. (Unfortunately for Ibadan Michael B. Jordan).
I left my guardian angel and continued my journey. Now I wished I had given him my number, or even flirted a little😪
Unknown to me, there is more to come...
Phase 2
I alighted at the nearest bus stop, preparing to board the next cab to my next bus stop. I saw bole (roasted plantain), and of course (it's one of my best food), I bought it and moved on.
I was about to cross the road to the other side when this car parked right in front of me (I was in a much better mood). The driver wind down, and smiled. He stared at me with familiarity, like I was supposed to know him or something.
Oh! He must be one of my dad’s friends. Maybe he knows me from a very young age. I get that a lot. I was expecting him to say something like, “Are you not Emmanuella, Halleluyah’s daughter?"
But after parking and asking me how I am and commenting on how respectful I am. He asked, “Can I be your friend?”
Meanwhile, in my head: You are about my dad’s age! I should be respectful.
Oh damn! This is not my father’s friend. He is about to woo me. He commented on how respectful I am.
Me: I am sorry sir. I am satisfied with the number of friends I currently have sir
The man: Oh! We are about agemates, stop referring to me as sir * (I swear I saw it coming. It’s the only time a Yoruba man wants you to ‘disrespect’ him)
Me: (laughs dryly) okay sir
The man: I live in Hong Kong, I just moved from Tunisia about 3 years ago. When I was still hustling, I was in SA, Morocco for 3 weeks, Canada, blah…blah… blah.
He went on and on.
Me in my head: Another ijgb!! Anyway, I’m not impressed, daddy’s agemate! I was in Tunisia a couple of months ago too sir. Rest!
The man continued; We can spend the next holiday together in Canada, and I'll be glad to host you in Hongkong for easter.
Then went ahead to compliment me, begged me to remove my sunglasses because he wanted to “see my beautiful face well”, and even got down from his car, amidst arguing with me that I did not grow up in Ibadan because of my ‘diction’.
Me: I’m sorry sir, I need to go.
The man: *Can I shake you? * (He stretched his hand)
Me: Sure sir. Why not?
I took his hand and shook him, and this man kissed my hand. I guess that’s how they do it in Hongkong. I was slightly irritated.
I left, but not without Ogbomosho Kim Jung un punching his digits on my phone and saying hi to himself on Whatsapp.
This eventful day was spent in Ibadan.
Ibadan and Ogbomosho are cities in Oyo State, Nigeria.
Thank you for reading.
Now, let me try to go have a productive day today.