I can't really say if it is the weather,the pressure of the year ending or it is simply life reality but these past few days really humbled me. I have been restless. I have been thinking non stop, worrying over insignificant things and stressing myself to the point my body started complaining.
My BP was higher than usual, instead of taking the thoughts off my mind, I kept on thinking hard. I tried to control it but my brain wasn't having it. I felt overwhelmed.. everything was happening at once ... some goals I haven't met, bills waiting for me, products I would like to stock up, responsibilities I didn't ask for but still have to carry . Every simple task felt big and heavy.
It is really funny how our minds can create battles and chaos that don't even exist due to our fear of the future and unknown.
At a point I had to ask myself, what exactly is chasing me? Because I'm doing way better than the former year and I have no emergency but the way my heart tightened, you would have thought I was fighting for my life. I think some of us do this without realizing that we create battles then blame life for what might never happen.
I had an epiphany yesterday,when I saw someone online talked about what they are grateful for and what they survived this year. It wasn't a long talk but it hit me in a strange way and made me pause. Maybe because my mind was already tired or maybe I have been focused on what has not been working that I forgot what actually worked.
So, I picked a pen and wrote ten things I am grateful for this year..to my surprise, when I started, the list kept growing . I forgot small victories, I forgot favor from loved ones and strangers I barely know, doors that opened quietly, days I cried and still wiped my tears and moved because I have to show up for myself . Strength that I didn't know that I have but still used. Even days I turn up when I didn't feel like.
I realized that I have been my own hero without giving myself credit.
Then I remembered people who had made things easier for me by rendering help in one way or the other. People who showed up for me, people who encouraged me...I am blessed. And well loved...for the first time in months. I slept soundly.
The first thing I checked when I woke up was my Blood Pressure..to my surprise, it was low. I had to recheck to be sure. My body actually calmed down after my mind calmed down.
That moment taught me something I did want to admit before. 'sometimes, it is not life stressing us, it is our thoughts' . We need to stop,breathe and smell the roses and look at things from different angles.
My life challenges didn't automatically disappear, the bill did not evaporated,my responsibilities are still there.. infact waiting for me. But my perspective shifted . And that shift stopped the panic and gave me inner peace.
My cup wasn't empty. It wasn't even half empty... I just refused to see the part that was full.
Some of us are used to daily routine of survival that we forget to pause and acknowledge that we are actually surviving and doing well even if we have not attained our goals and dreams. The journey might not be perfect or smooth or glamorous but we deserve to give ourselves a round of applause.
I'm not writing this because I have everything figured out . I am still confused about many things and scared of some things but I can clearly differentiate between a problem and thought that is pretending to be a problem.
This is my rant today, I just needed to release it somewhere. And may be someone reading this is also overwhelmed . Maybe you have been carrying too much in your mind. Maybe you need a reminder that you have survived a lot too. I am sending you love and big hugs...just recognize where you are, where you are coming from and give yourself some credit.
Life is still hard but today my mind is quiet and I am grateful for life.
Thank you for reading. Have a lovely day.