A silly photo for a not so silly post.
So, I haven't been very active on HIVE, have I?
It's easy to lie, makes excuses and say I've been busy, but I really haven't. My life has been monotonous as all hell. I wake up, play some video games, make food, procrastinate some more and then go to sleep.
But I do have a reason for this sort of behaviour: depression.
And I think this bitch ass depression is chronic btw. As long as I remember myself as a "grown-up", so from 2016 onward, I've been depressed.
At first it was just a diagnosis, like, "Yeahh, you're depressed, and some other things, like anxiety, autism and ADHD."
I thought back then that things would just get better. After all, any time I caught a sickness it eventually got better. But now this "sickness of the mind" is so far up my heart and mind that I've been transformed into a blob of nothingness inside and outside.
I was going kinda well a year and a half ago, I had a job and stuff. But now I've got nothing. Not even real friends who I can count on getting to see them.
I have my own thoughts, my own mind, and all my mind says is "die, you're tired. You've done enough and couldn't go anywhere, it's time go give up."
Don't worry though, I'm not giving up that easy. I just don't know what to do, I just don't know where to go.
I have content to write about here, and writing for HIVE blog is one of the few remaining joys I have in life - but even that has been nigh on impossible lately due to how lethargic I've been.
And then there's all the comparisons I make of myself to my friends.
Some are married, some own BMWs, all of them have a job, some are at university... And here I am, living like a teenager with the body of an adult - a body I've been neglecting and making it sicker and sicker. Alongside my mind, I've just been destroying everything that makes up what I am.
And it gets even more fucked up!
I was dating this one girl early on this year, had to break up.
I thought "maybe this will give me some reason to live", turns out she was manipulative, obnoxious and even sexually assaulted me (in the sense that I didn't give consent, should be pretty obvious).
I know this is some effed up shit but this is a place to complain, innit?
Anyways, I'll keep going to therapy and seeing what can be done.
It's either I retire early and live on welfare for the rest of my life because I'm a useless piece of shit, or something worse.
Don't be surprised if one day I disappear entirely. I'm sure someone will be able to tell what's happened.
Still, I love y'all and I can't do anything but thank everyone who's been by my side in this hive journey. You're all some good bees. Thank you all.
If there's a God he's cruel, and if he isn't, then I'm sure I'll get better eventually.
I'm afraid I might become an alcoholic even, but getting absolutely wasted on a Monday morning is... Fun.