I might have ADHD

After sessions of therapy, I took some tests to assess if I have Major Depressive Disorder since that's what the psychologist initially assessed me based on the symptoms and stuff. They sent me a lot of tests, which included an attention test. When I took it, I realized that I indeed zone out a lot, impulsive, etc etc... And I have thought "this sounds like ADHD bruh".

I already have an idea what ADHD is but never really dug deeper or just forgot what the main symptoms were. So I researched on it, specifically the ADD since I know I'm not hyperactive. I obsessed on it for two weeks just watching videos, reading symptoms, and who knows what, that's when I realized I relate with A LOT of them.

Since my next session was 3 weeks after the last one, I contacted them and asked them to reschedule me to an earliest session since I literally can't do anything else cos I can't keep those off my mind. Thankfully I was able to schedule myself 2 days after I messaged them.

See, apart from me obsessing about the thought, I was already getting depressed again. A month before, I was really positive and felt not depressed anymore since I thought I found one of the solutions to my problems: Planning and journaling. I was really joyful, euphoric even, which at that time I was also thinking why am I in therapy lol. The "high" slowly went down and I was back to square one. I'm losing interest in it, just like what I did to 10 other hobbies I learned this year. Which is also a symptom of ADHD, apparently.

When I got to the clinic, the psychologist told me she found inattention in the initial assessment results and I was like "That's what I thought too!". So we did a couple of tests instead of the usual talk session.

Bruh.

The tests were some IQ tests, memory tests, reasoning, and some other stuff I don't know of. The IQ tests were "easy" in the beginning but slowly started to get hard hahah. Especially when I had to rearrange the blocks to copy the shape in the image. It was difficult. I think a lot of the difficulty I felt was the because of the pressure since she's looking at me while I answer each question. It was distracting but also I felt like I needed to answer soon otherwise she'll think I'm stupid or something... which of course all just in my mind and they don't think that lol.

The memory tests omg I think I failed those. XD I needed to tap the blocks she tapped in the same sequence as hers. Easy. But then a twist was added: I needed to tap that one line first-always then the other line. It was hard to keep up and memorize since she kept on going back and forth the other line and I had to memorize another sequence in my mind. We kept on going back to that in between the other tests and then I found myself zoning out during the test since I got "bored" since I wasn't acing it lol.

I still had a few tests to do the next session which will be in 3 weeks and I don't know why that long lol.

If I indeed have ADHD, then the "weird behaviors" I have would finally make sense. Since ADHD is a neurological condition, it is inborn. I had reflected on my childhood and realized I've felt this way ever since. I wrote down lists on my therapy notebook on what I had experienced in childhood that may or may not be related to ADHD and they were quite a lot. I have received some comments that I was always zoned out, looking around all the time, not listening/not paying attention, didn't wanna eat because I was doing a project, changing hobbies often, clumsy, dumb, lazy, weird sleeper, messy, etc. A lot of them coming from my own mother but of course nobody thought to have me checked out and I just thought it's "normal". Well, that was my normal.

These could also be because of my depression or trauma which I have always blamed but since looking back on my childhood, I already experienced this way before the trauma. So the tests were needed to make sure it is not because of other conditions.

I am quite excited and really hopeful for the future. This would be a big relief for me if it was ADHD since I finally would have explanations for all my struggles. Of course it will suck since it is still a disorder but just having an explanation is what I needed. Getting diagnosed at this age will not be easy but it will be easier to solve my problems than sailing the ship blindly.

And these struggles were also reflected on my art all along. One of the examples is the art above. Not finishing tasks or projects and starting a new one is one of its symptoms since the brain doesn't produce enough dopamine so it has to find it in some random things, often the new exciting ones. Which, I've done a lot especially this year. I don't wanna be too specific on them now cos I'm ashamed of all the things I bought and never really used or lost interest after a few weeks. I don't even post some of them lol. But they happened and of course I feel a lot of guilt but forcing myself is just like torture and I can't explain it exactly.

And also I really want to commit to journaling until forever lol so I'm doing my best to stay motivated on it still and form a habit even though soon enough it will be really hard for me to do it like it's a chore.