I don’t know what exactly I should feel right now. I felt disappointed and sad in the past few hours. But right now, all I feel is pure rage. It’s not my fault, but why do I need to suffer? My Spotify history was filled with sad songs after arriving home. And recently, I’ve been listening to various songs with elements of pure rage. Sometimes, I want to drink liquor, but all I can afford and actually drink is milk. Once you read how awful my situation is, I’m sure you would understand. Anyway, let’s get into it.
Since college, I have been very conscious about my grades. I wouldn’t let myself slip into getting grades lower than 2.00 (note that 2.00 is still good). If you get that grade on your portal, you can say goodbye to “Latin Honors.” It’s very hard to maintain that standard since you need to take care of everything. I’m in control of what could happen, so I stayed very careful. That’s why when I secured a 1.75 on my thesis, I was so happy. I could finally say that I had a high chance of getting that title. But then, my internship had different plans for me.
On the last week of May, I secured an internship at Producers Bank. I mentioned in this blog how one document could ruin my dreams, and I was right. When I heard that I would have an INC, I already had a bad feeling about it. I tried to ask my professor, but he couldn’t give me a direct answer. I even rushed finishing my Practicum Report in the first week of November just in case. I already completed 95% of it, yet they still couldn’t find our MOA when I followed up two weeks before we ended.
Moving forward, we went to school yesterday to submit our Practicum Report. I’ll share the full details tomorrow, lol. Upon submission, my adviser gave me bad news about my Latin Honors spot. He said that he couldn’t promise that I could still meet the required grade since I was already late in the first semester. As I said, I tried to finish it early. My friend, who is also my co-trainee, knew about it but decided to keep it private. And honestly, I understand.
For clarification, the blame should not be on my adviser. Before I even appealed, he already tried to appeal to the Dean. However, his request was not approved. My classmate from another major also had the same concern, but it was rejected. He tried to explain why we were delayed in the most honest way possible. Nevertheless, the Dean remained firm in her decision. If Producers Bank had just complied immediately, the situation wouldn’t have gotten worse. We only finished during the deliberation period, so it was too late.
Of course, I arrived home feeling pitiful. I tried to hide it from my mom, but she sensed that something was wrong. She kept telling me that we should blame the company and the school. But for me, I don’t want any issue, and she’s just making it a bigger problem. I just accepted it and told them that it’s part of life. I also shared it with my virtual friends, and they gave their sympathy. Their advice was something I expected, but it still helped. I’m just really upset because I worked so hard for this title. I remember making reviewers in the morning, working in the afternoon, doing church duties twice a week after work, and studying again at night. Take note, I studied until 2 AM sometimes.
If you check my scores, you will see a lot of high marks. That’s the result of my perseverance. There were times when I went to school without proper sleep. I also remember having a full-time job while fulfilling my academic responsibilities. It’s disheartening to feel this way after everything. Last evening, I drank milk while silently singing my heart out to songs full of rage. I don’t know how I can move on from this. Maybe I can do it… with a broken heart. There are still a lot of opportunities in where I am right now, and this failure is just a bitter phase of my life.