Why does everything feel so heavy?
Every time we came to another house with my whole family, I felt insecurities. When theres a videoke, my sister jokingly said to me that if I wanted to sing, since my voice wasn't that good she was laughing at me and teasing me to sing. I just smiled towards her even though I really wanted to sing but the way she talks to me like that made me not.
I had one big insecurities, my body. I was really fat, back then in pandemic times we were just in the house and our routine was just eating and sleeping and that's a cycle. And that makes me more insecure of myself my mother always said that I am so fat and that made me more eager to exercise. When I'm just in my room, I will cry thinking those words that my mother said to me. Also when we go to my grandma's house my uncle keeps telling me I get fat. That made me cry and motivates me to exercise everyday.
After some months of exercising, I now feel confident with my body. But it had happened again, yesterday we went to the house of my brother's father. They always invited us when they had a feast. I will share it on my next blog those moments we had on their house especially during my childhood days. I wear a sleeveless top, and I rarely wear it since I'm insecure of my big arms.
When I confidently wore it my mom suddenly told me that I get fat. I just smiled towards her even though I felt hurt. She then said, to our relatives that I get fat and I don't understand why she said that and also she knows that it's my insecurities. She keeps pointing out when we are in others she wants to hear on someone's mouth that I get fat.
When we were eating, the owner of the house said that if we like to get cold water we declined. So you don't want to get fat and I said that I'm the one who ends up getting fat hahahhah. My mom then said that I get fat and she then pointed me that my shoulders get broad. So I replied that, you are fat too, I cant stop myself from talking like this. I just said to her that I look so good with my fit but deep inside, I am hurt. It's like those insecurities get flashbacks on me.