Brain Dump | Morning Musings

Have you ever thought about how geography location matters and greatly impact your life? Have you ever reflected that the situation you're in could also be based on your physical location?

You probably heard things like go to Dubai to get money, go here to get this or that. You probably also witness how people from different neighborhood acts differently and how your surroundings are too. I heard this thing a long time ago but never truly understood its real implication up until recently.

Welcome to my brain dump, it’s morning and when I am able to sit down, sipping a cup of coffee while contemplating about life and emptying it out a little

There are studies pertaining to this issues that discuss at length how our surroundings matter. Many of those research will offer similar conclusion that the surrounding is also the cause of their behavior and situation that they get themselves in.

My perspective comes from this background where this kind of physical location matters. From young age, our neighborhood matters as it closely related to the school we're going to, access to healthcare and information, even how close we are to money and power. I've lived in different neighborhoods and different circumstances but really, only when I am at this age, I understood it all.

If you've observed your surroundings, even the job that people have and their educational level will also be similar to their surroundings. I don't negate the fact that there are outliers, there is definitely one or two outliers. However, if you observe, the majority will be pretty much similar.

When I went to university which was some of the darkest time of my life, I lived in a housing that I often describe as prison-like. It has window but it faces the gray wall. You can not see day/night from it and they have open sewer too. The place was really small that whoever visits my place pitied my living condition. The first year of my college, I stayed there because my biological mother paid yearly rent for it. So, I had no choice and besides, I didn't know the area that well. My adoptive family was worried about my living situation but since both of them just declared bankruptcy and all that, it was almost impossible for them to support me financially. It was pretty depressing and I couldn't even use the bathroom for a week just because I wasn't used to squatting toilet and the living condition there. So,I was left with that condition until I spoke to my family that I wanted to move and tried finding something more decent. Guess what? they actually approved it but after a year there, somehow I got adjusted to living that way. I didn't really think through that the place was not great for me mentally until 10 years after that I finally realized how things were actually that damaging both to my mental health and financially too.

When I started making real money, I could have moved. A lot of my family told me to move out, to a better place, a decent place that looks like a normal living, not a poverty tier living situation. Nobody in their right mind especially a natural hermit like myself could have stayed there, in an extremely tiny room that even prison in EU feels like a better trade off.

When I got to know steemit/hive, I wasn't obviously living in that place. I was living in a nicer place with my ex boyfriend. It was living the kind of digital nomad dream early 2016-2017. I don't think I would have known hive/steemit had I never really ventured out of the place. I felt like that place stalled my progress and made me a shut-in without any confidence. Sure, the school situation was a lot different but the place was definitely ain't better. It was just too prison-like.

But I stayed because I liked the family. I liked the connection that I made there and how they welcomed me and accepted me. I suppose, with other places, I could have been kicked out for some of my behaviors back in the day. So, while I kept my rent extremely low, I spent time over cafes, sometimes a weekend stay at a hostel, hotel room, any better place to sleep and work from. The fault is definitely on me but again when you don't think clear enough, it's all muddled and your judgement can't really be trusted. There were trade offs I made. I spent a couple of years moving around,running away and all that. I had my paranoia phase too which wasn't helping living inside that tiny prison like environment.

Some said, I punished and hid myself from the world. I might as well be. I lost contact with old friends, anyone that I ever talked to and enjoy talking to. I had a lot of memories of the place and will be cherishing it but whenever I am doing well in life was always/never at that place. I was living somewhere, nicer and more proper. I only went there when I grew tired of life, of social expectations, of people at least for the last 4-5 years. But really, I was running away and that place made things even worse. I learned my lesson definitely and it took 10 years that I'll never stay at a place where I feel it is too depressing for me to be. The moment that a space makes me feel that way, that's when I know, I'll have to leave.

Today, I am sitting here, in a place that feels comfortable. I have running water, I can leisurely see the outside, the vast sky or sometimes moon that can be seen through my work room. While I used to dislike this place growing up and thought it wasn't that great, there are far worse places around that I witnessed.

Mentally, I've never been clearer and I am striving everyday to make my day better here. Even during the worst moment in life around here, I still feel a lot more confident that I could go through it all. It was the kind of spirit that I didn't have back then and felt like my option were so limited.

Other than the location that matters, the inside of our place matters too. We could live in a nice big house but if it's too cluttered, dirty and unkempt that would be a problem as well. I drew this experience from the house I used to live in early this year, my paternal family house. It was really big, three storey building in a private residential area. It was where the old money and people who work in governemt resides. While the houses are big, ours was so dirty. My paternal family used to be a big family and that was why, my grandpa built a massive house. But a lot of them died and moved elsewhere for work and settled down somewhere. The house felt like a haunted house and straight up a house that could fit into an urbex shows. There were things from the 50's too and a lot more ancient stuff laying around in that house as my grandpa enjoyed collecting relics and paintings and artworks. For a small family like mine where there's only my parents and myself, it was extremely big.

With my adoptive dad's health declining, we decided to move in to this house. This house is a lot smaller but more fitting for the three of us. Cleaning is a lot easier and though we're still not done with most of it, for now, we're happy with the progress of cleaning and reorganizing the space. There were more things I'd like to address but that's it for now.

Let me know your thoughts/comments/whatever that is. See you around!