It has been quite a journey for me to get to this point in life where I am slowly trying to accept myself. I should be mature enough not to cry at 3 AM knowing that I gained a little bit of an inch in my body. What’s the deal, right? This is the era of body positivity and fat shaming seems like a crime. But to me, it is still a huge deal. I don’t hear people call me fat directly but there are times when I was indirectly called “fat” and was denied service just because I was too fat. And no, this wasn’t a long time ago. In fact, it was only a few months ago when I was on my way to the gym. Though that didn't really get to me, I felt a pang of shame as it was on public and I remember turning red. I have dealt with many humiliation but that was another long list of it and a wake up call. That sort of thing really nurtures the feeling like I was never enough. It made me think about that I will never be enough or successful until I became skinnier like a regular person's body. At some point, my body issues were heightened especially when I am often hanging around the deepest part of the internet where being fat is not acceptable.

Well, the thing is I wasn’t fat at some point. I managed to lose a lot of weight, had a great life, friendship, you know all the good things that life has to offer, but it all came crashing down after my breakup and some other life problems.

Let’s rewind a bit, back in high school, I was nominated as one of the fattest kids. That was when I decided to lose a lot of weight during university and changed my life around. It took me a year and I changed myself. I was not in contact with any of my highschool friends, I quietly lived my life and decided that I would never even look back to where I was.

During that process I also realized that I was living in a toxic environment. My typical Asian family with their idea that no matter what I will do in life, I will never be enough. It doesn’t matter if I am skinny, fat, midsize, I was never going to be enough. At the same time, they were not helping me lose weight either. I also vividly remember when I was skinny enough, they were telling me to lose a little more so I could be just perfect. They never cared about the body image issues or eating disorders that I have that. All they see is just a fat person who should try my hardest to lose weight.

“ If you’re not skinny, don’t dare to show yourself anywhere or you’re not going to amount to anything.” These self limited beliefs came into me and I've been having them for as long as I remember. It was heightened at some point that I was also hanging out with someone who was perpetuating that idea. So, there I was, with all the negative body image talk almost everyday for the past 9 years.

After my break up, somehow I found myself just getting bigger and bigger until I had some health problems that required me to fix the way I eat. I eventually did and my weight was still the same. But what got me into health journey again and decided to lose weight was one time last year when I was flying and I had to squeeze myself into the seatbelt. I ended up going to the gym and went into a hardcore mode. I ended up losing a lot of weight but that wasn’t enough. I still had those self limited beliefs talk that I have to wait until I am skinny enough to enjoy life. Until around a few months ago when I realized that I shouldn't think that way. We can be happy and have fulfilling life as long as we're healthy.

But my negative self talk came again during January when I only worked out from home and I ended up gaining more inches to my body and I wrecked my sleep. As much as my other relatives told me that I was losing weight, I couldn’t believe it. To my mind, I was still too fat and looked disgusting.

When I tried clothes on the other day, a lot of my mom’s clothes even fit me but she was still commenting on how fat I look and that I should hide my body parts. Meanwhile, I see the trend these days where fat people just go about their day, showing off their rolls and not giving a shit about it. When I showed it to my mom hoping to show that there are these people living life confidently, she said, “ they should cover up their fat and not dress like that". " She's too chubby" and " you should never wear something like hers, you don't want to show your fat". I tried shaking it off and it was the point when I realized, my mom slowly is back to her old self and I have to distance myself a little bit for my sanity.

As I mentioned the other day, I’ve been getting back into swimming and will be back to the gym as well. As much as I lost nearly 15kg, I still have a lot more to lose. And as each time passes, I learn to be more accepting about my body and I am trying to remove my self limiting beliefs that I will never be happy unless I am skinny and also stop using my weight as an excuse to be afraid of bettering myself in other aspects of my life. Also, bullying someone because of their weight is never going to be cool in my dictionary!

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	𝘔𝘢𝘤 𝘪𝘴 𝘢 𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧-𝘦𝘮𝘱𝘭𝘰𝘺𝘦𝘥 𝘯𝘪𝘯𝘫𝘢 & 𝘤𝘰𝘧𝘧𝘦𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘯𝘰𝘪𝘴𝘴𝘦𝘶𝘳 . 𝘈 𝘵𝘺𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘪𝘯𝘵𝘳𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘵 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦 𝘸𝘪𝘵𝘩 𝘭𝘪𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘢𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦, 𝘣𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴, 𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘩𝘯𝘰𝘭𝘰𝘨𝘺 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘩𝘪𝘭𝘰𝘴𝘰𝘱𝘩𝘺. 𝘛𝘩𝘪𝘴 𝘪𝘴 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘨, 𝘢 𝘳𝘦𝘧𝘭𝘦𝘤𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯 𝘰𝘧 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘸𝘢𝘯𝘥𝘦𝘳𝘭𝘶𝘴𝘵 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘩𝘪𝘳𝘴𝘵 𝘧𝘰𝘳 𝘬𝘯𝘰𝘸𝘭𝘦𝘥𝘨𝘦. 𝘚𝘩𝘦 𝘰𝘧𝘵𝘦𝘯 𝘤𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘣𝘰𝘰𝘬𝘴, 𝘮𝘰𝘷𝘪𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘴𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘴 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸𝘴, 𝘵𝘦𝘤𝘩 𝘳𝘦𝘷𝘪𝘦𝘸𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘦𝘯𝘥𝘴, 𝘱𝘩𝘰𝘵𝘰𝘨𝘳𝘢𝘱𝘩𝘺, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘥𝘦𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘰𝘱𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵. 𝘖𝘯𝘤𝘦 𝘪𝘯 𝘢 𝘣𝘭𝘶𝘦 𝘮𝘰𝘰𝘯, 𝘺𝘰𝘶 𝘤𝘢𝘯 𝘧𝘪𝘯𝘥 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘷𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘨, 𝘪𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘩𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘦𝘭𝘧 𝘪𝘯 𝘭𝘰𝘤𝘢𝘭 𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘳𝘢𝘥𝘪𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘴, 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘵𝘢𝘬𝘪𝘯𝘨 𝘱𝘪𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘴 𝘰𝘧 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘣𝘦𝘢𝘶𝘵𝘪𝘧𝘶𝘭 𝘴𝘪𝘨𝘩𝘵𝘴 𝘴𝘩𝘦 𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘰𝘶𝘯𝘵𝘦𝘳𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘸𝘢𝘺. 𝘚𝘩𝘦'𝘴 𝘢𝘯 𝘰𝘤𝘤𝘢𝘴𝘪𝘰𝘯𝘢𝘭 𝘧𝘰𝘰𝘥𝘪𝘦 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘭𝘰𝘷𝘦𝘴 𝘵𝘰 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘭𝘰𝘳𝘦 𝘯𝘦𝘸 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘥𝘦𝘭𝘪𝘤𝘪𝘰𝘶𝘴 𝘤𝘶𝘭𝘪𝘯𝘢𝘳𝘺 𝘦𝘹𝘱𝘦𝘳𝘪𝘦𝘯𝘤𝘦𝘴. 𝘍𝘰𝘭𝘭𝘰𝘸 𝘢𝘭𝘰𝘯𝘨 𝘰𝘯 𝘩𝘦𝘳 𝘢𝘥𝘷𝘦𝘯𝘵𝘶𝘳𝘦𝘴 𝘢𝘯𝘥 𝘫𝘰𝘪𝘯 𝘵𝘩𝘦 𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘷𝘦𝘳𝘴𝘢𝘵𝘪𝘰𝘯! 𝘋𝘰𝘯'𝘵 𝘩𝘦𝘴𝘪𝘵𝘢𝘵𝘦 𝘵𝘰 𝘶𝘱𝘷𝘰𝘵𝘦, 𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘷𝘦 𝘢 𝘤𝘰𝘮𝘮𝘦𝘯𝘵 𝘰𝘳 𝘢 𝘧𝘦𝘦𝘥𝘣𝘢𝘤𝘬. 𝘈 𝘳𝘦-𝘣𝘭𝘰𝘨 𝘪𝘴 𝘢𝘭𝘴𝘰 𝘢𝘱𝘱𝘳𝘦𝘤𝘪𝘢𝘵𝘦𝘥 𝘵𝘰𝘰.