Life is shit. I'm bittered and tired. Life is beautiful I'm energised and motivated. I feel like standing on top a skyscraper and put my dirty middle finger up to the world. I also feel like standing on top a skyscraper and use a loud megaphone to shout out motivation to those that feel like their life is shit, just like I feel.
My emotions are buckled up. I lost how to feel many emotions a long time ago. Love. Hate. Fear. Anxiety. Tension. Joy. Happiness. Sadness. It seems like I'm in a shell of my own self. My hearts cold, it could freeze an entire ocean. But I'm still kind though. I still have the some features like empathy, and sympathy. I concluded that I have little to no emotions when things ( good and bad) happens to me, but I feel nothing. Not even a sense of success.
For a long time, I've lived like this - with little to no emotions. It made me calm, conserved, calculative, and above all, logically and factually strict mostly to my self and and a little bit with others. I'm choking. I think I need to loosen up a bit. Probably.
I hardly fall asleep these days. I'm twitching. I'm turning from one position to the other. My thoughts get louder. My unaccomplished goals keeps me awake. The things I perceive as my failure make me sink deeper into this endless abyss of thoughts. It gets louder. The voices gets thicker. Focusing gets more difficult.
I just finished eating, I licked the plate, but my stomach is still growling. It's sounds can be heard from miles away. I need more achievements. Lots more.
People like and admire the food I ate and I'm still eating, but to me, those foods are shit. They are crap and they are not even up to half what I planned to achieve during this stage of life.
I'm probably an ingrate. Maybe. No. I don't have enough and I need more. I'm a contender. A contender that don't remain in despair but immediately finds solution and techniques to surf the shitty waves of life. I've been capsized many times. I've tried and failed. I've punished myself a lot. And come to think of it, I've not celebrated myself enough.
Hmmmm.. now that I think of it. Instead of being too hard on myself, I think I need to celebrate my small wins. Maybe. Just thinking out loud. Or maybe I need to listen to those thoughts that pushes me to do more. I guess. I'll figure it out like I always do.
Anyways, I guess it is what it is. I know I just disturbed this community with my loud thoughts. I didn't have no where else to disturb. Not the right where nothing is left, nor the left where nothing is right.
Thanks for having me.
All images are mine.