I was an infant. I knew nothing. The only thing I knew how to do best was cry, sleep, eat and poop my diapers. I knew not my left from right. I didn't know what was right and wrong. Communication was through cries.
Life happens in stages. Growth came. I became big. I saw the big world through my little eyes. My little feet walked through the lands of this big world. I saw it as an endless body of lands. I just learnt how to walk. The eagerness to explore gripped me. Always wanting to walk around. The excitement was above the roof.
It's a big world. I know I can be bigger. Adulthood came. Things changed. Cries no more brought things to me. It is no longer a good way to communicate. Rather, it's seen by the community as weakness. Emotions flooded my heart but letting out the emotions flow like a river was perceived as childish.... Weakness as they call it. I was expected to lock up, heads high, chest out, suck up them tears, and go about my day.
I learnt how to mask my emotions. Yes I did. I learnt fast. Became colder. My heart could freeze a cup of hot coffee. Manipulation became the order of the day. Emotions left my heart. The only thing I feel is................. Nothing. I care less of how I feel. I was once told that it's not about how I feel. They said it's not about emotions. Keep your emotions one side and use your head. Have I been betrayed before? Yes... keep the sob emotions aside and continue moving. Was I ever backstabbed by loved ones? Yes... but I also learnt to keep the sob story one side and move on, so, I locked up. Cut off people that aren't as logical as can be.
I made good friends. I lost good friends. Life happened. I saw people not for what they portray themselves to be, but... For who they really are. I still have good friends, but....... Trust is nowhere to be found in my heart. I rather call them acquaintances.
I'm growing. I'm learning about life. I don't know shit. One minute there are excitatory neurotransmitters binding with receptors in my nerves, the next minute, there are saddening neurotransmitters binding with receptors in my nerves. Where to go becomes a major thing to decide. Yes, I'm a professional medical practitioner but sometimes, it gets hard. Should I continue with this course or should I go into something else? My career is going beautifully but the remainder of me is just fading into the air, slowly.
I want to love but there's no heart to love with. My peers are happily married.. I'm still scared of falling in love. What if I'm betrayed? What if it ends? What if things don't go as planned? I don't trust myself to love somebody the way they need to be loved. I may over do it. I may under do it. I believe in love. I'm scared of loving. Tch....... It gets hard. Will I ever cross this stage? Maybe, or maybe not. I'm eager to see what the future holds.
I only see my goals. I don't believe that I can fail. I'm confident in my skills. I'm better. I also gotta do better. I have good friends with me. Some are searching for their way in life. Some are kept at a distance. We don't share the same goals.
I'll soon be old. I'm not scared of old age. I'm scared of the impact I'll make before getting old, weaker and vulnerable. Would I continue to lack trust for people? Or would I impact the world in a very large scale that people would always want to be around me?
Would my kids abandon me in the home for elderly without coming to visit? Or would they argue amongst themselves because they all want me to stay with them in their different homes? What does my future hold?
What if death comes now? I'm I prepared to embrace it? Absolutely not. What about in my old age? Would I embrace death in my death bed with a smile on my face? Well this depends on me. If I have accomplished majority of my goals, I can rest well knowing that I have impacted the world in a better way.
I don't think I'll want to be cremated and have my ashes scattered in the sea. Rather, I want to be buried in nature. Let other organisms feed on my remains. I want organisms to grow offsprings with my body as food for their energy. Let plants grow on me. Worms feast on my remains, and yeah, let the cycle of nature continue.
Image belongs to me.