I don't find being called 'strong' a compliment anymore. I see myself in the mirror-- my body's outline a bit more muscular than most. Biceps. Triceps. Glutes. Lats. My finances in order. My investments on point.
Maybe you could call this article, a breach, because normally I try not to allow the world's standards to affect the way I see myself-- or maybe this IS the way I see myself. Based on experience, strong people get taken for granted. And that's why I don't like it. People get accustomed to strength as if it was a resource that doesn't run out. And do you know what's even more ironic?
Strength is celebrated. You get to do a lot more when you are strong. It's not a problem for guys. The more strength you have, you are considered attractive. When you're a woman, your attractiveness goes down the more you exhibit strength. It gets so confusing really, especially in a world where you need to be masculine to thrive. You cannot afford to be dainty and soft when you were accustomed to always have the energy to make ends meet, all the more when more responsibilities are placed on your shoulders than most.
Panganay. Ate. Breadwinner. Loving them is not easy. From the moment they were born, in the corners of low-income Asian households, they were the experimental child, conditioned to always put the needs of the family first before their own.
"Share your toys to your brothers, because you're the ate. You need to set an example",
"You're the girl. You need to learn these things so you can take care of the house while your father and I work" *all while the rest of the siblings are out to play
"Stop crying. You need to be a good girl because you're the eldest."
My mom was the panganay of 9 siblings.
My grandma was the panganay of 13.
Any decision they make for themselves in the pursuit of their own happiness, they automatically have this alarm system in their heads that scream "SELFISH. YOU ARE A SELFISH AND UNGRATEFUL CHILD, AND YOU DON'T DESERVE LOVE ANYMORE BECAUSE YOU DID NOT DO YOUR DUTY OF UPGRADING THIS FAMILY'S STATE OF LIVING." And sometimes, it doesn't just stay in their heads.
Someone I know went through two whole years of the silent treatment by her own father because she started refusing to send money to him after the expenses in the house became too much. By this time, she was already married and had two little kids.
Someone I know went through years-- YEARS of marital problems because somehow she finds herself still compelled to send money to her family even though she's already married. She was the panganay, but she married early and felt like she wasn't able to give back to her original family. Utang na loob was eating her alive, to the point where it threatened her relationship with her husband.
A friend of mine got engaged. Instead of her family members becoming happy for her, her mother made sure her unhappiness was expressed for the rest of the family to see. Her mother refused to support the idea that her daughter (who was already in a marriable age by this time) was about to get married.
Majority of the male population do not want women who are like these. They find women like these too taxing. We get it. I get it. I am a first hand witness on how this mental conditioning we were gifted with sabotages relationships.
I don't like jumping to conclusions but I also can't help but think how most men do not want women who were forced by circumstances to be strong.
Most men want their women soft.
Unblemished.
Untraumatized (some, I suspect because they want to be the one doing the traumatizing).
Or the very least, soft enough to not become a threat to their masculinity,
but masculine enough to not become a liability.
Which is wow. So convenient... right?
Forgive my snarky comment. It's going to be a long while since I'll heal from this. And I know you can sense the bitterness and distaste in between these words. But I trust you dear reader of this need of mine to scream out all the pain of what I consider a vulnerable piece of honesty.
As long as I get to scream this into the abyss, nobody can use this against me.
My mind circles back to memories of being called 'too masculine', 'too competent', and 'too much'. I remember also not being sent anything on Valentines day because my partner at that time thought the whole showing of sweet gestures was "beneath me".
It's as if it's another form of virginity most women feel the need to adopt to under the folder name "society's unspoken standards" in order to feel accepted, in order to be cherished, in order to feel worthy.
I guess I am just... so tired
I'm so tired of pulling strings
I'm so tired of being so confused
I'm so tired of being everyone's favorite little shapeshifter
only to be breadcrumbed
only to be told how I am too much
only to be told how I am not enough
only to be made to feel that I am not worth crossing oceans for.
Maybe the hypocracy of the whole thing also just got to me.
Maybe someday I get to learn how to not let my capacity be taken for granted.
Maybe someday I get to learn how to be relaxed.
Maybe someday I get to learn how to be the one who doesn't keep on chasing.
Someday, I'll get to realize my worth and start trusting myself again (because I don't).
But until that time comes, I will sit in the quiet, and take comfort in His arms.
At least in Him, I'm someone worth dying on the cross for.