Like my usual weeks during the first semester, this week was another addition to the hellish weeks I’ve experienced. Not only is it physically or mentally exhausting—it’s also emotionally exhausting. I thought I’d only be struggling with my school works, but it turns out this week is a lot more than I expected it to be. It made me feel emotions that I haven’t felt for a long time, and one of these is regret and self-pity. I really don’t want to feel those because the last time I felt those emotions left me emotionally wrecked. Perhaps these emotions are the reason why I felt unmotivated lately…but where did I start feeling them?
Well, I don’t want to explicitly tell the whole event, but anyway, just to lessen the burden I’m feeling, it all started with an invitation I shouldn’t have accepted. I already have a gut feeling that things won’t turn out well because I lied to my parents about it, and I somehow regret it. What happened next after that wasn’t bad, yet my guilt was gnawing at me. I felt selfish when I did that, and until now, it still kinda haunts me. I thought those ugly feelings would go away, but those just intensified yesterday…when a celebration came up, but the twist now is they didn’t invite me. At first, I didn’t have qualms about it, but when I realized that I was the only one who wasn’t invited, it started to feel bad.
It's like they’ll just invite me if I’m convenient to them, but once I’m not, they can just easily toss me aside, and that didn’t sit right with me. I felt pathetic thinking that I could fit right into their circle…like all the effort to fit in and vibe with them was useless. God…I felt stupid. I even sacrificed my precious me-time just to spend time with them, only to realize that I’m just another friend of convenience. Maybe they just invited me way back then because the more people in their group, the less the bill we will have to pay. I should have realized that sooner, but unfortunately, I got blinded by their sweet talk. I thought having people to talk to wouldn’t make me feel lonely, yet I felt the opposite. It felt more terrible than actually being alone, and it’s horrible to think that I’m feeling it with people I’m supposed to be comfortable with.
Wish that reversing my decision is as easy as covering up my drawing mistakes with white acrylic paint :(
I’m not cutting ties with them completely since there are benefits in belonging to a clique. Even though I’m quite the loner I am, I don’t want to be isolated completely. Plus, if I stay in our clique, it’s much easier for me to find people to be my members during group activities. I already experience being isolated before, and when you’re isolated, you usually get the bad apples in the class, and they’re often the people that’s exhausting to deal with. They aren’t really a bad group of people nor a good one, but they’re sure decent acquaintances. So if they don’t see me as a real friend, then let it be…because I can also treat them as one. If I’m their friend of convenience, then they also can be my friends of convenience.
Of course, those negative feelings won’t go away that easily, but I need to go on and not dwell on them. It isn’t that easy since it already messed my mood and motivation. I don’t know if these are just effects of my medication or my autoimmune disease, but ever since I got diagnosed, I have felt that I've gotten more emotional. It’s like I don’t have the full reign on my emotions…and it feels scary. However, I know that at the right time, I can soon adjust to it.
I think I’ve shared enough rant and realizations today, so that would be all for now and hopefully I won’t be back here for another rant dump soon haha because I know that would be another bad day.
All the pictures used are mine.