Ah, how blessed we are for this dedicated space for vents & rants. Overdue, one’s been… where to begin?
So t’is a “dragon year” in the Chinese zodiac.
There’s this dude/acquaintance/friend/teacher/comrade of mine, Dylan the Human Design Maven, who’s a fucking master of Human Design that’s been speaking on what a big deal this is - a period of time which brings incredible potential for phoenix-esque rises into ascended levels of greatness and all that jazz. Though tbh, it’s been kinda tough listening to some of it, as I haven’t felt it. Or, I’ve been feeling more like on the side of things where getting eaten alive by the dragon and its fire.
Granted, there’s always the question: what are mind’s expectations - versus how things are to unfold organically in ways that may drastically differ?
(And as always, to what degree does mind thwart the potential of all those breakthroughs and development?)
Days away from my 41st birthday, I’m also clearly at the “midlife crisis” point - not living the stereotypical ‘Porsche and young blond girlfriend’ version, though toiling away in different inner conflicts while torn between returning to Asia to scratch the itch for hot young Asian girls and trading in the Civic for a Range Rover. (Thankfully, a test drive was enough to scratch the latter itch; if only the former could be as easily satisfied without a trip across the Pacific). Truthfully, I’ve felt kinda lost & confused, a bit of a “wandering soul” - still disoriented near 5 years after a separation, all the old goals & ambitions I had prior not holding the same appeal, burnt out with all the motivational & inspirational dogma and unable to conform to any of it anymore, lacking a “clear vision” of (and/or commitment to actually embracing) “what I want,” and having matured a tad as accepting the wisdom that “what we want” doesn’t always align with what is to be - and perhaps often benefically so, given a large amount of those “desires” still arise from ego and conditioning/programming. “No choice,” so the saying goes - while all the self-appointed “manifest anything/everything you want” gurus preach otherwise cuz promising the ego what it wants sells better. So yeah - as the ego has taken its hits (perhaps a “good” thing, as a path to greater humility), the questions remain unanswered: what do I want, once all the old ego-motivated ideas are stripped away? As letting go of the many layers of conditioning, what actually is ‘wanting to’ emerge through “me?” And, how to “get the fuck out of my own way” (as much as possible)…?
The talk of “dragon year” opportunities and all that… the mind & ego still has their ideas of what that might/could look like. As to what it might actually unfold like… I have to either admit I’ve got no fucking clue, or the mind has been sabotaging the potentials.
There’ve been moments of flow with writing & insight suggestive that maybe those realms of talents are those that’ll take off. And then come the ebbs, where it feels that was all just delusion and merely mind. There come questions of what if it’d entail something popping off with music… until being realistic about how little I’ve actually been engaging with music and how little motivation there consistently has been there. And what’s left? Who the fuck am I, even, when removing the self-image I’ve built up over decades after all that huge investment in those two things - and the repeated cycles of breakdown as confronting again & again the futility of basing an identity on the mind & ego’s ideas as through the creative processes could actually be manipulated or controlled according to their will?
Maybe I’ve been too impatient. Though on the flipside, maybe I’ve been too patient - not strict enough, having allowed too much leeway, downtime, indifference, back-and-forth, laziness, etc.
Maybe this’ll be the year crypto really pops off in Q4 and my “dragon year” manifestations will end up being financial. Then again, maybe I’ll have overlooked some critical fundamentals, having wasted the year away waiting, and more finances don’t solve anything - but merely amplify the depression & loneliness that’s resulted of an improper focus.
I don’t fucking know. And there’s a real stubborn big part of me that has not been able to relax with/into that uncertainty.
I continually question: how much of what I’m doing is really of value to anyone / the world? Am I really living the 6-line “role model” constructively - or just “killing time?” Is all this self-doubt in a longer period of downtime truly “part of the process,” or have I actually slipped into a downward spiral? Maybe, “you can only go as high as you go deep,” the decent “shadow work” essential to the eventual Florescence. Maybe not.
A recent discussion between Dylan & Kathi on the whole dragon year stuff triggered such extremes of reaction - touched deeply by the highly potent Truth in it, while also angered with the (potential) reflections of how misaligned I might actually be at this point in my life… and how far out of reach alignment feels. (But then again, is that so - or just the mind/ego self-judgement & doubt?) On one hand, I feel almost allergic to all the inspirational/motivational rhetoric at this point - having gone to such a narcisstic-grandiosity extreme of it all when younger, I may have swung to the opposite end of the spectrum where just don’t give a fuck about any sort of visible “success” anymore; on the other, part of me recognizes how/where in that swing to the other extremity, I have “resigned” to “playing small” and potentially abandoned ambitions altogether that had critically important guidance & seeds of a higher purpose - possibly “throwing the baby out with bathwater.” Points in their dialogue strike a nerve because they shine a damn-bright light on where I have been falling short. Perhaps this is a timely exploration, the Sun being in Gate 15 of Extremes/Modesty - highlighting my natal personality Mercury in 15.2 and Mars in 15.4.
Perhaps it’s part the open/undefined head & ajna centers amplifying & distorting ideas & ways of thinking (plus spleen “holding on too long”), the undefined ego/heart still twisted with issues of self-worth & ‘trying to prove;’ maybe it’s part the process of finding a healthy balance of “modesty” in the middle of those extremes; maybe my expectations are too high, still needing more compassion & patience in the process of deconditioning and letting go of old outdated ideas - I still can’t wrap my head around what these potentials of dragon-year breakthroughs would look like, other than the grandiose aspirations I once had. Perhaps I’ve been so accustomed to the Extremes side of my Mars-Mercury conjunction in that archetypal energy (Mars’ ambitious drive intertwined with the Mercurial mind), the Modesty side feels foreign. And/or maybe clues to these mysteries still lie in the shadow states - the rapid flux in & out of the 15’s Dullness; my body/design Neptune in 10’s “Self-Obsession” far more often than the Gift of ”Naturalness” & Siddhi of “Being…”
Then again, what if those dragon-year breakthroughs don’t look like the larger-than-life earth-shaking outcomes the mind/ego expect, but a far more subtle maturation into Naturalness & Being? No doubt, the Florescence into “higher” states of evolution are bound to look & feel different than the ideas previous versions of ourselves imagined.
While the mind might think it’s gotta/gonna look like some uber-dramatic “riding the dragon” success or equally-dramatic burning alive in hellfires if “failing” to seize the opportunity, perhaps even the success route requires sacrificing our old selves to birth the new. After all, the phoenix rises from the ashes - not a sugar-coated flower-patch. Then again, that could still be a logical rationalization for staying ‘stuck’ in self-perpetuated suffering.
“Claiming your throne…”
As listening to Dylan & Kathi’s call-to-action, part of me felt unable to measure up to the prerequisite of readiness to do that, as though stuck so deep in the shadows there’s no way I can conform to the ‘go big or go home’ motivational dogma anymore. Though, there also came the questioning: where/how may I have doubted that I already have claimed mine - and may be sitting on it, despite it looking/feeling differently than expected? What if I’ve actually been embodying the Modesty, unknowingly fooling myself that I haven’t?
Perhaps in the “never enough” lust of mind & ego, I’ve been overlooking all the smaller (and large) victories. Perhaps still in the grips of the “self-improvement” paradigm, there’s been unconscious benchmarks set that’ve created a hamster-wheel of striving - at the cost of recognizing where I actually have been & am living in alignment, despite the inevitable emotional waves that might have the mind believing otherwise.
Maybe the presence to depths of emotional lows is “progress” and part of the process - the ‘riding the dragon’ not just through the beautiful highs, but the full spectrum of states. Maybe as “boring” life seems at times in comparison to the ideals of Instagram influencer highlight reels, the waiting will be well-worth the moments of sheer bliss in December when descending the peaks of Mount Mackenzie on my three new snowboards, the fresh powder runs equally if not more envigorating than a literal dragon ride. Maybe having surrendered to a flow of life that entails over a hundred days on the mountain next season is the embodiment of that ‘claim of throne’ - living life “on my terms,” actually having followed Strategy & Authority to what brings Peace & Satisfaction - albeit both not always occurring at the same times, nor in response to what would be expected. (Though if at this point in life, sleep and Netflix do it, why fight the simplicity; surely there’ll come another phase where travel & more action are called for and serve to the same ends.)
Blah, blah, blah.
Sometimes I feel like it might just be better to quit these self-obsessed writings/rambles altogether. But who am I to determine whether there’s actually a purpose being served through them that’s of value to someone reading them. Maybe it is my 6-line just living it’s authentic example, the glimmers of satisfaction in the activity - getting some energy flowing while out at a nice cafe, listening to good music - the simple incentive to keep at it.
All feedback is welcome & appreciated… 🙏
