I honestly don’t want to talk about this here, because I want to start fresh since I just came back last week. I don’t want to write negative things, but I feel like these thoughts just keep piling up in my head—and if I don’t let them out, my mind might just explode. Before I even wrote this, I really tried to stop myself from meddling in the problems my family is facing right now. I just want peace of mind, some relaxation, and to focus on my own life. But at this moment, I can’t help but feel uneasy about it.

At this moment, as I am writing this blog, my cousin and our uncle (who works in one of the provincial government’s municipalities), are in a tense situation. This is not a role play or a joke in our family that we can just set aside, especially for the elders. My cousin reported our uncle because he prohibited something that was against the law, and it was related to an incident that happened a year ago. Even though it happened a year ago, my cousin still couldn’t move on because she felt traumatized and angry.

Why did she report our uncle? How did she end up being so angry at him?

I’ll tell you the reason so you can understand why I ended up writing this.

One night, after I finished feeding my dogs their dinner, about an hour later my uncle fed them again and came looking for me. I went outside because I didn’t know what he wanted to tell me. Then he scolded me, accusing me of not feeding my dogs regularly, even though I had already fed them earlier—and he knew that. I never skip a day of feeding my pets. In fact, I told him I always make sure they are fed, especially since they guard our house, even when it’s raining. But to my shock, he became angry, shouted at me, and even threw the casserole to his side.

I was shaken because it was the first time again in years that someone shouted at me like that. The last time he had done something similar was when I was 10 years old.

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I don’t remember the exact reason, but I do remember that he slapped me across the face—something my mother never did to me, because I was her baby. I remember that time, I accepted that slap, thinking maybe I was being careless and that was his way of teaching me a lesson since I am just a kid. After that, he never did it again, since he stopped caring much about our side of the family and focused instead on his wife's family.

That night, I was stunned, and I cried. At first, I thought he was just joking like he usually does, but this time it was different. It was the first time in years that I had seen him again so angry that he actually threw something.

I consider my pets as my family because I’m a true dog and cat lover. My dogs guard and protect us from bad people, and I swear—I never lied to him about always feeding them. In fact, I even argued with my grandparents when I secretly gave the dogs extra cooked rice. You know what? I’m not ashamed to admit that I’m 25 years old, but damn it, I cried like a child. The whole situation was such a huge shock for me, and it triggered my mental health.

He made that a big deal because he was asking for one of the puppies I have. He wanted to give it to his wife's sister because she was asking for it, but I said no. I can't make the same mistake again. I was already traumatized by a past experience with them, back when I gave them a gray-colored dog.

One day, they have two men visitors that I don't know, and then my aunt called me. My uncle's wife told me they need the dog to mate with these two men's female dog, and I trusted them. Because I was kind, and I know that the dog I gave them the color of is rare. So I agreed. But then they told me that I had to be the one to put him inside the sack, and I did it because they said, "They don't have a dog chain." Months and then years passed, yet there was still no sign of the dog coming back. That’s when it hit me—I had done something I should never have done.

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Every night, it always haunts me, even those dogs that died because of me. Rain or shine, I still remember them. I stared at my hands, emotionless, as I saw the blood. I became like those bad guys, and I hated myself because of it.

Maybe some of you think it’s not a big deal and that I’m just making myself miserable, but can you blame me? They’ve been with me since I was a kid—when I was alone, when I wasn’t okay. They’re the ones who listened to my rants, and I’ve always been too soft when it comes to them.

Because of that reason, I decided to send a message to my cousin. I asked her where she consulted for her depression. Because I was planning to go because I can't sleep. I need medicine so I can sleep peacefully and give myself a break from this cruel world. I heard that you can’t purchase sleeping pills without a proper consultation.

That cousin is very distant from us. I remember her OJT days a year ago, when she stayed here in our place to do her job training at our municipality. Since her future career is in engineering, it was similar to the work that our uncle used to do. I was shocked when one day she didn't come home here, and our aunt decided to get her belongings. During her stay here, I heard from my grandma that she locked her door because they are both sleeping in our great-grandparents' house. I didn’t confront her about it as her older cousin, because she’s already a grown woman, the same age as me, and I understand that she needs privacy. But I admit that time, I felt like I wanted to slap her face because I didn’t like the way she treated our grandma, but I decided to let it slide. Still, if it happens again, I don’t think I can just ignore it.

A month later in the same year, my two aunts are with me. They called me because I was always inside my room. They told me I should also go out, and I need someone to talk to. Because I always have an argument with my mom about my future. I was always depressed at those times, to the point that I never came back to things I usually loved to do.

Actually, I was aware of what will happen in this conversation with them. I hated these two people in front of me during that time, and I honestly don't want to be involved with them because they are gossipers. But I am at the age where I should also learn how to get along with other people. So I stayed on my seat and drank the coke they gave. If there’s one mistake I made during that time, it was opening up to them about my situation and why I had issues with my mom—basically, all my rants in life. I trusted them and answered honestly when they asked why I chose to live alone inside my room. Somehow, it felt relieving that at least one family member knew what I was going through. But my biggest mistake was telling those things to people who just can’t keep their mouths shut. Damn.

Back then, my uncle’s wife (the engineer’s spouse) told me something I didn’t even ask for. She compared me to my cousin, saying that even if I am suffering depression, I can still go out and do my chores, and I can still get along with other people, unlike my cousin, who is nearly becoming crazy because she's not going outside of their house, and she doesn't know how to get along. She told us about the issue of why my cousin didn't continue to live here during her job training in the municipality with her husband, who is my uncle. She told us that she didn't know how to get along with the employees, she didn't respect the mayor, and my uncle even got mad about it. He scolded my cousin because of that. Actually, I already knew about that since my grandma had told me the same story before, so I knew right away where she got it.

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I never add fuel to the fire, because it’s not my thing to judge someone when I don’t even know their side of the story. Besides, I wasn’t really sure what happened during that time, so I just kept my mouth shut—even though deep inside, I wanted to talk back and educate her about mental health, since she clearly lacks knowledge about it. Honestly, I was very disappointed, especially because both of them are working as public servants in our town in the field of health.

And because I remember that, I asked my cousin about her OJT a year ago. Since we are in the middle of catching up on life stories about each other since it's been a while since we did that. I asked her if it's true that our uncle scolded her before because she was not getting along inside the workplace. That's why she eventually didn't go back here. And then, I was shocked when she was mad, and she explained her side. What's more shocking to me is the story is not the same as what I heard from my uncle's wife.

Like me, she was traumatized because of how our uncle acted in front of her. He scolded her many times in front of the people inside the workplace. She was humiliated just because he couldn’t get what he was asking from her. That’s why she kicked our grandma out of their room at night, since she cried because of it. Looking back, I honestly understand now that the real issue was actually with our uncle’s behavior. Mind you that she didn't know the reason or a cause why I was asking for the address of where she consults her mental health.

Actually, before that night between me and my uncle happened, our relationship as a family was on good terms, even though we hated his wife because of her overcontrolling behavior toward him; she was the reason why our uncle distanced himself from us. He didn't care for us like how he usually does for his wife's family, for whom he always spent his money. We still get along. That's why, like I said, I was shocked when he acted like that in front of me. I have known him since I was young as a role model because one of my dreams when I was a kid was to become an engineer like him. So even though he slapped me back when I was 10 years old, I just let it slide because I respected him as my uncle.

But my perspective changed when I learned the truth. Logically, our uncle told the story to his wife, and then his wife told it to us as a way of making us take his side—because he knew that my cousin would eventually tell her mother which is my aunt, about what he had done. But sadly, when my cousin tried to reach out to her mom for comfort a year ago, my aunt didn’t listen. Instead, she still let my cousin go to the workplace and convinced her to just finish her OJT.

Asking her about what happened during her OJT a year ago was my fault—I know that. But I only asked because I was genuinely concerned about her. I thought maybe I could find a way to convince her to come back. Maybe I could finally understand what really happened back then—why she left without saying anything and why it was her mom who came to get her things. I just don’t want her to feel left out, because she’s the only one who hasn’t been getting along with us for such a long time.

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That night, she asked me if she should send them a message because she was mad. I tried to stop her and told her, ‘Just let karma do the work.’ I thought I had convinced her, but when I woke up the next morning, I was stunned and speechless after reading her message she sent to our uncle and his wife. The message is about what happened during her OJT a year ago. Her message was full of anger, asking them why the story we all knew here wasn’t the real story that actually happened back then.

I read her message that she sent to them because she also sent it to me. What could I do? I understood her anger, because the story had been twisted against her. She just wanted to clear things up and defend her name—to prove to everyone that she isn’t the ‘bad person’ they made her out to be.

I was angry at my uncle’s wife. To be honest, our family wasn’t like this before. Sure, I’ve had my share of bad memories with my mom’s siblings, but there were also a lot of happy family moments I cherished with them. Everything started to change when our Uncle Engineer stopped caring about us and began prioritizing his wife’s family instead. I don’t even know why. But one thing his siblings all know for sure—it’s his wife who has control over him.

I feel angry toward the couple, especially my uncle’s wife. To be honest, she has only proven to me that she’s the main reason why our family, who used to be close, is now drifting apart—because of the gossip that keeps spreading and reaching everyone. I’ve noticed this for a long time, and even my younger cousin who lives with us constantly vents to me about her behavior.

Because of that, I’ve lost respect for her—and even for our grandmother—since she also spreads rumors and fuels the gossip within our family. As the second oldest among the cousins, I’ve been the one to voice out all the frustrations and toxicity I see, because my older sister won’t do it—she’s too comfortable living in that toxic environment.

It honestly makes me sick thinking about how we’ve lived this way for so many years. I feel disgusted that no one in the family does anything about my uncle’s wife’s behavior toward us, the younger generation. And it all comes down to the fact that my uncle is the “second favorite” of our grandparents—just because he’s an engineer.

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𝒯𝒽𝒶𝓃𝓀𝓈 𝒻ℴ𝓇 𝓇ℯ𝒶𝒹𝒾𝓃𝓰!