Gaslighting Myself to Accept that It Was Just A Joke

Hello everyone!

The thumbnail photo has nothing to do with the content of this post. I just want to remember that feeling while we were on the way to the peak of Mt. Tabayoc, the second-highest mountain in Luzon. As we inched our way to the peak, the sun rises to reveal what was hidden from us. I'll always remember that feeling associated with the rising sun as I climbed the mountains here in the Philippines. I always tell myself not to expect anything, but I'm always blown away by the scenery and the pure bliss attached to it. Never expect anything. I guess that's the key to happiness. I don't know.

But what if I did expect from anyone?

This is not a rant or a complaint. I just want to let it all out. This has been bugging me for weeks and it's always my posting habit that gets affected. It became a vicious cycle that I always end up torturing myself for all the missed opportunities.

Don't worry. I think I'll be back to posting my usual travel blogs after this. Life will carry on and we don't have a choice but to go with the flow.

Now I understand why those YouTubers had to post something that's not aligned with their "branding". I cringed at the idea before. I can't understand why a travel blog or any feel-good channel would suddenly post something like "let's talk", "what happened in the last few months" or "just to clarify some issues". I realized it was inevitable. You can't produce "positive content" all the time.

This is what I thought to be the root of my posting problem here in Hive. I wanted my content to either entertain or inform other people. This became the branding I adopted and I got afraid of posting something like this. The problem is that whenever I tried to post something good while my emotional state is in turmoil, I can't produce a single sentence that's free from the negative stuff bottled within. What started as a few days of missing a post or interacting with the people on-chain became weeks of self-loathing because of the mounting opportunity costs.

For those who consider Hive as a side hustle might be okay, but for those like me who consider this as a full-time job, this is devastating. Every single day that I'm not posting is an opportunity cost. I can't just magically fart good content either. It's against my ethos as a content creator. I don't want to post just for the sake of posting. It's always a dilemma between missing the opportunity to earn versus letting the feeling subside before posting again.

Sometimes I even questioned my past choices. What if I'm not really cut to be a content creator? What if this is just an escape from my laziness to go back to the technical stuff I've been doing before I decided to jump into a very different field? What if everything's just a result of the pandemic and I have to accept that sentiments might have subsided now that everything's going back to "normal"? These are just a few questions that I tried to answer during the sleepless nights I endured. And I still don't have concrete answers to all of them.

How many times I've considered going back to anything engineering related. There were a lot of opportunities I've turned down because of Hive. I'm not saying it is Hive's fault. It always boils down to my state of mind. I've been doing this full-time since October 2020 and I haven't looked back since. I'm always tempted to go back though because of the financial difficulties I've inflicted on myself. There's still a standing offer and all I have to do is decide if I wanted to go back to the chemical engineering field.

If you're wondering where is this going, please stop reading now because I think I'm not going anywhere in this post.

As a friend, when will you say that something said has gone overboard? When will you give a free pass in the name of friendship? These are the questions I tried to answer when someone made a joke that I really didn't like.

Maybe I'm just getting old that I'm now sensitive to what people say even if it's a joke? I'm usually immune to these things because I also made jokes about myself. One classmate I had in college never talked to me for months because of my joke that she said was overboard when another classmate made the same joke and she was apparently okay with it. Maybe it was just how I delivered it that made her so offended it was almost friendship over for us.

"If it's not true, why are you offended?"

I really don't know why I got so worked up by the joke when I even made a joke about it myself. Not just in the way it was delivered. I just got the ick from a certain word I really hate. I told some of my friends who made the same joke before that I really hate that word because it's too derogatory for me. I even protested when they made a joke about someone even if there are indications that it might be true to his case. I just can't stand the idea that it will be normalized and that it will just become a topic during gatherings and events. I hated it.

"Since it's your friend who made the joke, will you give a free pass"? I already did. It's okay. At least I thought it was okay. There might be no malice when the joke was made. Maybe I've just become too sensitive.

How many times I've gaslighted myself to just sleep it off and it will be okay the next day? I don't keep tabs. Before the word gaslighting became a trend, I think I'm already gaslighting myself to death. I always tell myself that I'm being too dramatic and most of the time it works. I just rant on Twitter and then I'll be okay the next day.

That's what I did in this case. I gaslighted myself to sleep hoping that I'll be okay the next day. I was not okay and I never get used to the joke. I still couldn't accept it.

"Why not confront the person and tell everything about how you feel regarding the joke?"

I don't know, but I'm becoming less confrontational lately. I don't want to cause any more drama. Don't worry guys. Everything will go back to normal in the next post. I just needed to vent out. To those who felt that my replies in your comments became defensive or aggressive, I'm sorry. It's nothing about you. I promise I'll be more careful in containing the negativity within me.

Alright! I guess that's all. See you in the next post!