How do you start a blog when the sadness is still so great? How do you say that you have said goodbye to a dog when your heart is crying out for her presence? How do you say you "did it right" when you feel like you took something away from her?
Cancer is not fair!
Yesterday was the moment we said goodbye to our Lana. Our crazy stubborn, sometimes terribly irritating, but always incredibly sweet and loyal Lana Poes. The breast cancer she was diagnosed with last June stood in her way and in the last two weeks, we noticed small changes in her. She was still happy, she was still sweet, she was still loyal, and she still ran around with her ball whenever she got the chance. But when she was inside she was grumpy at Skipper, she was grumpy at Myla and she was much calmer than she had ever been. This is not noticeable at first, but after a few days, it becomes noticeable. When I prepared the bowls of food for them, she no longer danced around me, at first she stood at a small distance but was immediately there, then that changed too and she waited longer until the food arrived. to come and have a look at the last minute. And what was especially striking was that she started licking the growing tumor a lot. Not just licking, but obsessive licking.
The moment we noticed that we already decided to let her go, although she seemed to feel that it was not her time yet. We had to make the hard decision for her, there simply was no other way. To spare her further suffering. She never deserved to suffer, so we chose to let her go. And that was the right choice. The appointment was for today, she would leave at 10:30 in the morning. But from Tuesday to Wednesday night, it got worse for her, she could no longer find her place to lie down, she groaned in pain when she lay down and then we knew that we had to bring forward the moment to let her go. We couldn't do this to her. Ultimately, we were able to bring the moment of farewell forward one day. It didn't go any faster because our vet was completely booked and we don't trust any other vet for that last moment. After a true horror experience with a previous dog, my partner is very sensitive about this and trusts very few veterinarians at this very last moment. Our vet was able to change his schedule slightly and that gave him enough space to supervise Lana's euthanasia.
Time stood still
On Friday morning at 10 o'clock Lana fell asleep in the most beautiful way imaginable for her! The most important thing for us was that she should not feel stressed, and for us that meant continuing to act as normal as possible. Our sadness about knowing what was going to happen had to be hidden from her. After all, we did not choose for ourselves, but in her interest. In the morning we spoiled her with a bowl of food with all kinds of tasty things for her, and then she played outside with the other two dogs for a while and we played her favorite game of fetch with her. Then it was time and the other two dogs went inside. She fell asleep in the arms of her owners while she was still enjoying a treat offered to her by the vet while the injection was put in her paw to put her to sleep. No more stress, and above all no more pain. Eternal rest for Lana.
But now the great sadness, the loss, and the processing of her loss begins for us. Learning to deal with the feeling of an unfinished life. Of course, we knew she had breast cancer, of course, we knew the moment would come, and of course, we knew that she also lived to the beautiful age of almost 14 years. But we also knew that she wasn't ready to give up yet. She still wanted to continue, only because no animal has to suffer, we were the ones who had to say, "Here is the limit." Now we also know that dogs are very hard on themselves, never give up, and continue because they feel the owner's sadness more strongly than their own pain. So yes, in that respect we know with our minds that we have made the right choice, but the feeling does not want to accept that yet. The two are still quite at odds with each other.
Ow, Those Painful Habits
Especially at times when I want to walk the two dogs we still have. You automatically want to grab Lana's line first and see where she is. But she is gone and never will be again. Myla is so used to Lana being put on her collar first that she always automatically takes a step back, now I have to call her over and she looks very strange as to why I didn't put her collar on Lana first. When I give the dogs their food, I am used to taking 3 bowls, but I no longer need the third bowl and can go back into the cupboard empty. When a truck drives past our house, we are there already used to saying in advance "Lana keep your mouth shut". But no more Lana is barking, and therefore no more Lana looking up at me with her stubborn face and reaching out her paw to my hand to say "Okay, I'm quiet, can we make it up to you now?" When I go to hang the laundry outside I am used to almost tripping over the tennis ball that is thrown on the ground right in front of my feet in an invitation to play, but now I can walk wherever I want, there is no tennis ball left right in front of my feet. I don't have to say "Lana, step aside, girl" anymore. There is no Lana anymore, and Myla and Skipper are always around me, but not directly behind, in front of, or next to me.
Eleven Years Of Joy
Lana was bursting with life. Her energy seemed endless, her curiosity boundless. And how we enjoyed this aspect of her character. And we will miss the loyalty and joy that we received from Lana every day for eleven years. We also had a special bond with her. She was the first of all our dogs that we selected together. Her profile photo stood out among the thousands of dogs that were looking for an owner at that moment. A slender shepherd's head looked at us, and the text in her profile aroused our curiosity. Have you ever experienced a dog that is "Occasionally potty trained"? We didn't and we couldn't believe it. We drove to Doetinchem, and what we saw there was not the Lana we now remember. The Lana we met was a pathetic, skinny little girl. Completely covered in scars and sand. Poorly cared for and treated poorly. She would have been a stray, but from the way she reacted, we could already see that she had known little love in her 3 years. She had her tail between her legs and did not dare to show initiative in the presence of the people who ran the shelter. She wouldn't get along with other dogs either, and we wanted to test that before we finally decided whether she could come home with us or not.
We were allowed to go for a walk with her to get to know her. We also had Lex with us because it would be especially important for Lana that she could get along with Lex. Now Lex was a very easy dog, and Lana also turned out not to be the difficult dog as she was described. As we walked further away from the shelter, Lana became more confident, she showed more of herself and her tail no longer hung between her hind legs. As we got closer to the shelter, she shrunk more and eventually walked behind us with her tail between her hind legs. Again the same unfortunate oppressed dog that was brought to us by the shelter staff. That transformation was so striking, and struck us, that we decided there and then that she would come home with us. She didn't have to stay another day in the shelter, she had found her home. On that day we made a promise to her to be good to her and to love her unconditionally.
From An Unloved Stray Dog To A Beloved "Ray Dog"
We kept our promise, we loved her unconditionally for eleven years. She was our Ray of Sun. We have had many adventures with her. We have seen Lana grow from that skinny, oppressed little girl who didn't dare to trust anyone, into a dog who felt comfortable and had given us her full trust, radiant with health, and always up for a cuddle and adventure. From a dog that was not allowed to do anything and was not accepted, to a dog that was happy, surrounded by love and completely accepted WITH all her tricks. And pranks. And you better believe she had plenty of them! We have taught her a lot, we have trained a lot with her, but conversely, she has taught us just as much, and she has trained us just as hard. Our little stray had found her home, in our house, and especially in our hearts.
With her farewell yesterday we are plunged into a process that will take time, a process of adapting to life without her presence. Her stubborn character, her lust for adventure, and her incredibly sweet, loyal character, her unconditional love. She will always be in our thoughts, and we will always remember her as the special dog she was.
Forever In Our Hearts And Memories
Dear Lana, you have taught us so much, you have brought us so much joy. We cherish the memories of the adventures we shared, and of the moments of happiness we experienced together. You were so much more than just a dog. You were family, part of our being. Although you are no longer here with us, your indomitable spirit will always live on in our hearts. You have changed our lives in ways we could never have anticipated, and we are grateful for every second we spent with you.
Goodbye, dear Lana. Run free in the endless fields of paradise, you will not have to suffer for another second, and no more pain for you. Hopefully, Lex and Rowan collected some balls for you. Your place in our hearts will never be taken by another dog, we will never forget you. Goodbye Lana, run free my love.