The pain is excruciating. At one point, I saw myself as unlucky.

It feels unjust. Why is it always me? Why must I endure this pain?

I despise it. I invested so much, only to see it slip away suddenly, like dust through my fingers.

Just last month when I witnessed the two puppies crawled from being weaker each day. I was always afraid to take care of them because I may not be able to take care of them and make sure they'd be healthy. Like a parent, feeding them is not enough but to make sure they'd be healthy. When I started caring, I understood that I already loved them and was willing to take action for them: Emotionally and physically. Sadly. Desperately. I couldn't do anything when they became weaker.

27 days ago when my puppy Ranga left. I told a story of how his life ended for just a short time. A week later, Rasha, his little sister whom he was a playmate then accompanied him. It broke my heart when I came back from a long distance trip, welcomed me that she had died already. It really tore my heart because I couldn't say my goodbyes and angrily, my poor Rasha didn't receive a proper burial. They just threw it from a random place far from the houses in the small village. I'm kind of disappointed because I took it seriously how pain hurts me that much. It's normal how we all feel when our loved ones suddenly leave us and most of it all, we are not ready.

I thought I was okay after weeks of their goodbyes. I thought I started forgetting the dying feeling inside. I was, really, laughing and smiling were drawn in my eyes. I began to be happy, truly but then again, I was feeling down all of a sudden. I was feeling uneasy by the time I woke up and rose from my bed.

I was not ready. I just woke up and my brain was still in the process of another beautiful morning. Only to find out, it was not. I wish I could cry. I'm stupid I could not. I'm a complete fool that I'm afraid to be seen crying for a dog. How I wish someone would understand me and allow me to bathe with these tears. This is what I really need right now but I'm not that kind of person. I always want to hide the sorrows and howling sad voices from my despair.

When I saw these images of him. I couldn't help myself this time but let the tears flood. I miss him. His photographs with my wife pierced my heart to be broken. I thought it was okay. I thought I could handle it like a big man but all of them are just assumptions. I was not ready. How could I be when it means forgetting the one you loved? What could I do when it means losing someone I don't want to?

Goodbye, Burnok, my friend. We Were together not for long but it was fun being with you. Roaming to the woods, mountains and everywhere. I'm deeply sorry for being an incompetent friend to you. You can now rest well, even though it's unbearable for me. It's better this way so I will not see you in pain anymore. Thank you, thank you and God knows I don't want to.

Goodbye, My Friend.

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