As a child, the concept of God always fascinated me a lot and I had this very strong urge to meet him. I always felt and thought that God was some super being in human form that is sitting somewhere and doing magic around. I would tell one of my aunts that when I grow up no matter in whichever part of the world God is sitting I will go and visit him. My aunt told me then that God does not live in this world, he lives in another world and only if we do good things after we die, I will be able to meet him, after I complete my full life. She would tell me, though I cannot see God, he is watching me and everything I do, so I should be a good child and keep doing only good things to go to heaven. If I would do wrong things then God will punish me, not meet me and send me to hell, where there will be demons, which will not be nice. Since childhood this subject on life and death has intrigued me and I have always wanted to know more and more.
But these little conversations with my aunt made a deep impact on me. I became somewhat fearful of death and darkness. She was a very old lady and she died very early, after that I had no one to talk to on these things, but the fear of death kept getting on to me more and more by the day. We all make mistakes in life, right? Even a little I would go wrong and I would start worrying that I will now go to hell and will have to face the demons. As I grew up, this fear also grew up with me, and came to an extent where some of the nights, any mistakes that I had made in life would all flash across my eyes and I would end up crying all night thinking I will go to hell and god knows what all will happen to me there. And I would fight with God in my mind for being so unfair, and putting me in tough situations where I was bound to make mistakes.
When I grew up, I did understand that this was becoming a problem for me, since it was kind of haunting me. I would feel that since I am fighting with God all the time, he is punishing me more and more, making my life difficult. As I came to understanding, I started reading some books on life and death and what happens after death. Read many books, some scared me, and some were soothing, but I was not coming out of my fear. It took me years of self work to understand about God, Life and the cycle of Karma and finally my mind got to rest. While I am writing this in a few lines, it has taken me years to work on my fears and get rid of them.
Now what I understand about God is that there is some Supreme Energy up there, who is not controlling us but guiding us, for those who can listen to this guidance path to liberation will open up and for those who cannot, will be going through the karma. Later in my life I also came across the content on soul trap and the matrix. It's not what I want to write on today. But in short I feel that when I die, I will make all attempts to exit this trap and never want to come back in human form again.
As a child we all had our own ways of perceiving God and majorly we perceive in a manner our elder’s condition our minds, like my aunt did for me, which was not very healthy. Probably she did not mean to harm me, but it did in many ways, and it took years for me to come out of it and understand that there is no heaven and hell up there. Today also when I see around me, parents say things like, if you do not pray God will punish you. It is so wrong to say such things and demonize God for everything. Whatever it is, it's all here and we need to be mindful about our actions in life but we do not have to keep getting scared of all our actions in life. We may go wrong, but that's also a part of learning and if we learn that it's a progress for us.
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