Trigger Warning: Drug References
I could barely feel my feet, but I kept running.
How long was I running for? An eternity seemed mild compared to the pain my feet experienced. I deserved the pain, however - no! No, I didn't... that's why I ran. To forget. To move on.
Sometimes, through my runner's trance, unwanted thoughts would slip into my psyche. Invaders. They would tell me things like 'you're tired' or 'you aren't good enough’. These invasive thoughts keep me on my toes and keep me steady against the perilous storm. I get to experience them in my element, say no to them, and keep running. Let the pain overwhelm my senses as I feel myself getting stronger.
I started running after a recommendation from my best friend, Lisa. She said it would help me forget... and help me remember. Remember who I once was.
As the sun set and twilight skies lay above me, I decided it was enough. Time to head home.
I opened my home, sweaty and exhausted. I nearly fell on my bed but I knew if I did that I would fall asleep a stinking mess. Shower it is then. I dragged my feet barely able to lift them up over the shower threshold.
But a girl has to do what a girl has to do. I heard once that some people shower every other day. How could they? Those people were fools in my books. If I didn't shower every day I would feel so yucky.
When I got out of the shower I went to brush my teeth. Damn, my toothpaste is out. Better head to my stash and... I just realized what was down there... I had to go, had to face it...
In a drawer in my closet, there was a box. Inside this box was a belt, a spoon, a needle. I looked at the perversive tools and felt my veins itch. My hands moved on their own as I picked up the items one by one, setting them to the side. Then, I picked up my once best friends, and one by one threw them in the thrash.
As I looked at the trash bin I could barely control the urge to take them out. But I did! I was so much stronger than I once was. Why did I wait so long to do this? Suddenly I felt disgusted with myself for keeping the equipment for so long.
I stood there for a while, legs hurting and my mind a blaze. I could feel my breathing intensifying as I looked at the bin... what if I just -
BzzZZzzZZzzZZ
My doorbell made me jump from my stooper. Who could it be at this hour? I just wanted to be left alone, damn it! I. I just wanted... just a little...
BzzZZzzZZzzZZ
Maybe it was important. I reluctantly went to check who it was through the peephole - then swung the door open.
"Lisa!" I screamed, hugging my savior.
"Hey, Ann." She hugged me back, soft as ever. "How are you, girl?" I couldn't let her go. "Ann... are you crying?"
"Come - come inside!"
I took her by the hand and led her to the sofa. "You're squeezing me, Ann. It hurts..."
"S-sorry, love. I... I..."
"Oh my god, did you relapse?"
"No!" I started to wail. She hugged me again and we stayed entangled until I could take hold of my senses. After a while, she caressed my cheek.
"Tell me," I told her what I did. What... I wanted to do. She nodded, understanding, accepting, loving. "I see your sneakers over there are nearly torn to bits, Ann."
"Yes!" I grinned. "If it wasn't for that I would be back to -" I scratched my arm. "I get in this, Runner's Trance it's called. And forget me. That was what you meant, right Lisa? That trance state is why you suggested I take up long-distance running."
Lisa pierced her lips. "By the shape of those shoes, I'd say you're overdoing it, love."
"But -"
"There is another name for Runner's Trance." She said. "It's called runner's high." She grabbed my arm. "Ann. This isn't healthy. You've just replaced one addiction with another."
"A better addiction!" I said, confused and frantic. "And I have to keep going, you saw how I almost -"
"You threw them away, Ann," Lisa said, squeezing my palm. "You threw them away..." Tears started to well up in my eyes. "You did it. You cannot replace them. You have to overcome them."
"I... I will..." I found myself saying.
"You have to go to therapy, love." She said. "Running will only get you so far, you have to get professional help. You have to allow yourself to be helped."
"Do I have to?"
She touched the blisters on my feet and the scars that started to form. "You're replacing one set of scars for another... It's alright to run, but this..."
I knew she was right. I knew that I needed more help. I knew I was strong enough now. Strong enough to accept it. No. I was always strong. I just needed an outlet to remember that. I was afraid because I thought Lisa suggested I stopped running, but that wasn't what she meant at all.
It was time I was smarter. Time I did more.
"Thank you, Lisa."
In her distress, Ann hadn’t noticed Lisa brought a bag.
“What’s in there?”
“Brought some ice cream,” Lisa said picking up the bag, “And there’s a movie I want us to see on Netflix.”
“I’d like that.” Ann said.
“But first,” Lisa wrinkled her nose. “Shower. You stink.”
Ann guffawed, it felt nice to laugh, she almost forgot she could.
“And tomorrow!” Lisa started.
“Tomorrow?”
“We’re getting you new running shoes, those should last longer.”
Thank you for reading. 🙏 Hope you are having an amazing day! ❤️
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