Thank you to 
Seeing as how you already got a technical review of your work Gracey, I will give you some high-level advice. It is apparent that you know how to write, in fact, I'd say you are twice the author I was at your age. With practice you will only continue to get better, at the technical aspect at least, so let's talk about some nuance and minutia.
So, minutia, let's talk about voice. Your 'voice' is constructed out of everyone you have ever read. As time goes on this voice will meld with each new style you come across. Until it finally becomes your own. To that end, I want to give some advice as it pertains to "finding one's voice", which in my opinion goes hand in hand with the story we're writing.
Litguru already spoke on this, so I'll bounce off what they said. This was a noir-style story, and while your sentence structure did adhere to that theme, your vocabulary and characters really didn't. Check out this story I wrote for a previous contest that was Noir-based. You will notice that my vocabulary and the manner the characters talk changed substantially to fit the noir style.
In no way am I saying you did something wrong, Gracey. I just wanted to sow the seed so you may groom it to your liking when you see fit. Authors rarely think about the way they present things. But it is like any other ability. Once you understand the basics and the journeyman's skills, everything slows down. When that happens, the essentials become second nature, and we can focus on more intricate, nuanced aspects of our writing.
I talked in general terms here on purpose. Feel free to pick my brain about whatever you want.
Great story, great execution, very well written. Thank you for participating!
RE: The Victim (Monthly Short Fiction Contest)