Dangerous illusions.
I officially became a teen in the mid 2000’s. I thought when I grew up I wanted to be J.Lo. My ambition at one point was so powerful that I started going off-tune in the school choir just to sound like her.
In other words, I went from a great soprano singer, to a Jenny from the Block imitator. Naturally, the music teacher was either so displeased or concerned about my performance that I got kicked off the school choir.
Some of the outfits that I wore back then were atrocious, to say the least. I grew up and became a young woman in an era where looking like you were starved was the in-thing so I starved myself, hoping to look like
Paris.
An already rich girl who made money by behaving like some of her brain cells were lacking. A money making machine in an industry that feeds off of people's vulnerabilities.
At some point, I dumbed myself down in order to; “sound hot” like Paris. Yeah, sorry kids. I grew up on a fake diet of entertainment soda.
That I made it this far, alive is a miracle to me. I once chocked on cotton balls, after hearing some of the most popular girls at my school talk about it as a way of feeling full and not needing to eat for some time.
Had it not been for a swimming coach who happened to walk by. I would have been toast, for sure. As for my obsession with looking like a sack of bones? Blame it on the media.
Every other magazine I came accross was either advertising, the latest slimming potion or talking about how great so and so looked after losing so and so kilos.
What's a teenager to do? These were adult comments coming from people I admired so in order to stand a chance at prettiness, no food at all became a coveted diet that saw me trying slimming pills some of which were later found to be dangerous before the same company came up with the next best or worse thing.
It only occured to me now that at my heaviest, I was actually severely underweight for my height and age.
Tears well up everytime I look at my photos from back then. Dear younger self, if I could go back in time. I would treat my body with so much respect because that's what it deserved. Not a socially warped mind that bought the hype, got the t-shirt and lived to regret it.