Hello HIVE! đź‘‹
As the title suggests, I've been inactive here for the past 2 years. Not everyone may know this, but I've been creating and posting content since 2018 — back when it was still Steemit, before the whole community moved to HIVE. I'm still incredibly grateful for everything this place has given me. Thanks to HIVE, I met so many wonderful people, discovered the world of crypto, earned real money, and was even able to buy my dream gaming computer — which let me record even more gameplays for the HIVE gaming community.
But let's talk about what happened next.
My last post here was about getting a new gaming setup. At the time, I thought I was finally happy… but I wasn't. Deep down, I was battling multiple addictions: alcohol, fast food, porn, nicotine, caffeine, and endless hours glued to the PC. My mind was in chaos — I was constantly fighting inner demons and felt like there was no hope left for me.
First year of inactivity
That first year was straight-up hard. I was completely lost in alcohol. Days blurred into one another, motivation disappeared, and I barely left my room.
Second year of inactivity
Then something unexpected happened. I came across the old engine files of a Tibia private server that my friend and I had run many years ago. I'm not a programmer at all, so at first I thought there was zero chance of getting it working — especially in 2024, when competition among private Tibia servers is huge.
But then I remembered how powerful AI had become. I started using ChatGPT to help me understand the code, fix bugs, and even add new features. With AI's help (and a ton of trial and error), I managed to launch the first edition of my server. It peaked at around 30 players online, had tons of crashes, suffered several DDoS attacks, and was full of bugs… but somehow it still earned me $250. That small win completely hooked me.
I decided not to give up — I went all-in. With AI assistance and support from some great people I met in the Tibia community, I rewrote big parts of the engine, eliminated the major bugs and crashes, and started adding fresh content. After the first version came the second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth… and most recently the seventh edition.
I was spending entire days (and nights) improving the server — to the point where I almost forgot about everything else. This project gave me some hope and pulled me back from alcohol abuse. In just one year, it earned me around $5,000.
That was my second year away from HIVE.
But then I turned 30. People say you should work hard in your 20s because when you hit 30, it's time to take stock of your life and harvest what you've sown. Unfortunately, I've been struggling with depression since elementary school. I've never had a real job, never had a girlfriend, never really had friends in real life. For about 20 years, I was locked in my small room. My mom always gave me money, cooked for me, did my laundry, washed the dishes, cleaned my room, arranged doctors' appointments — she did everything for me. I never did anything on my own in life; I just sat at the computer and drank in despair. My mom never wanted anything for herself — she only ever wanted me to have it better.
Sadly, shortly after I turned 30, my mom passed away after a horrible, tough battle with cancer… and I fell back into alcoholism. The pain of losing her is enormous — I never imagined I could feel such overwhelming pain. We lived together for 30 years, day in and day out. We didn't work, so we talked every single day. She was always right there beside me. In truth, without my mom, I'm nothing. I don't know how to do anything on my own, I can't earn money, I can't even handle basic household tasks. I'm completely lost.
But after some time, I realized that my mom wouldn't want me to end like this. Even though it's incredibly hard, I have to keep living and try. At the same time, I started feeling the severe side effects of alcohol. It suddenly hit me: What do I actually have in life? Even if I wanted to get a job now, what would my CV look like? Empty. I'd probably only qualify for minimum wage work at a cash register — if someone even bothered to train me.
My entire 30 years of life flashed before my eyes in a painful retrospective, and I started feeling a real desire to get out of this mess. But desire alone wasn't enough — I couldn't bring myself to go to work. How do you suddenly do something you've never done in 30 years?
Desperately defending myself against that reality, I started looking for other ways to make money: I tried making YouTube Shorts (dozens of channels), earned small amounts from leagues in Path of Exile 2 and Path of Exile 1, completely stopped playing games for fun — I only played ones where I could earn something. But it was just another escape. None of it really worked out, and the money was just pennies.
Meanwhile, my dad (who is still alive) moved out, and I was left alone in the house. I had no choice but to learn how to wash dishes, do laundry, and clean. At first I didn't do it, but when spiders started crawling around the room, I immediately grabbed the vacuum and sponge.
Still, the big issue remains: my career. I don't know how to force myself to work. Toward the end of 2025, during the holiday season, I decided to reconnect with family I hadn't spoken to in 20 years. They welcomed me warmly — we spent good times together over Christmas, my cousin's birthday, and New Year's. My cousins are very put-together; they have companies and such. Seeing all that gave me tremendous motivation to get back on my feet from the new year onward. I promised everyone in the family that I would change. I stopped drinking, went back to the gym… but work, career, and personal development still feel like one huge unknown. I still don't believe I could regularly go to bed early, wake up for work in the morning — especially since with my education, it wouldn't be a great job anyway.
I've also thought about getting a driver's license, but after 30 years of instant dopamine from the internet, setting goals and achieving them feels like an enormous effort.
I don't know what will happen next. I know I have to do something. My dad is even older than my mom — he's over 70 now — and we don't know how much longer he'll be able to live and help me. When he's gone, I'll probably be completely alone and end up homeless.
I don't know… I hope that this year I'll find the strength inside me to go get that job, or maybe do some courses, an internship, get a driver's license — anything to move my life forward. But right now it's just hope. Realistically, I don't know how it'll turn out. I don't trust myself.
My head is a total mess, and the mission ahead feels overwhelmingly heavy — so I felt the need to share this with others.
I don't know if I'll return to HIVE for good. As I said, I no longer find joy in games, and my main content was always gaming-related. But on the other hand, I know that posting on HIVE is a productive activity — after all, I was able to earn from it before. So why did I abandon something I was good at…? I don't know. I need to think it all through.
In any case, thank you to everyone who read through my rambling. ❤️
Take care, and I wish you all strength in your own battles.