It's 2021 now, and my friends have been publishing their own set of resolutions for this year, their goals, and whatever it is they are looking forward to this year so the thought of writing down my own set of goals wasn't really far away.
In fact, the idea of writing was awfully tempting, but somehow, every time I thought about starting my own list, there is always this barrier of dread at the back of my head. That's why it took until the end of the month of January for me to start concocting this piece...
because of the anxiety... because of the hesitation... because of the dread.
Let's not forget that I also set goals at the early days of 2020, without any expectation of how the year will turn out. I was looking forward to upping my game at work as a process engineer, so that I can get to where I want to be -- to be part of the R&D team. I was looking forward to my boyfriend's trip home from Davao, I was looking forward in training my body towards being a part of my pole studio's "varsity" team... But well.. we all know how my plans went. š¤£
So what changed Roxanne?
I think I have finally come into terms that I cannot spend my life in fear or even just a portion of it. I noticed that my hesitation and inaction to set goals for this year are based on the traumatic events I experienced in the last. I think what is happening internally is that I have this crippling fear of being disappointed again. While I acknowledge that wholeheartedly, and it is in all ways valid as everyone else's experiences because of the pandemic, I don't want live life stuck. That's basically my own version of turning into one of the very things I hate: STAGNATION.
So I've been thinking... maybe I can start by focusing on three essential things which could potentially ignite getting things done this year. I'll be basing this on the pareto principle: Eighty percent (80%) of the outcome come from twenty (20%) of the things I do. These things are also known as The Vital Few [1].
IN GENERAL, I have narrowed down the vital few that are causing the most trouble with my future plans and these are what I aim to improve this year:
Minimize my need for escapism š
I look back on how I spent most of my time in 2020. I spent a great deal of it in grief after losing my job, having a daily routine looking forward to, spending time with my friends every now and then. When the pandemic hit, all sorts of terrors took place such as the overwhelming amount of bad news of the COVID numbers increasing, people already abandoning their humanity out of panic in supermarkets and even people who were greatly (but understandably) in denial of the gravity of the situation the world was in. The fact that I was alone in my boarding house with no job and could not go home at that time merely exacerbated all the ill feelings that kept piling up.
Working out and then pole-ing (another verb for sharpening pole dancing skills) later on was my main way of coping. I would spend about 2 hours every day sweating out whatever I could sweat out despite only having 3/4ths of a yoga mat worth of space in my old boarding room. It was my own frugal way of getting my mind to escape from all the loneliness I was experiencing.
For a while it worked, I continued exercising (and over-exercising) after leaving Lapu-lapu, getting quarantined for 14-days in Tagbilaran, after ordering my home pole and after successfully transitioning into my teaching job. These days, I spend an average of 15 hours per week physically active, and the rest of the time resting from being physically active.
Donāt get me wrong, this is certainly a huge improvement on my attitude towards my relationship with my body. However, I honestly feel that I have been doing this too much and becoming too unbalanced that this has also hampered the progress of the other aspects in my life that I need to be working on, like my spirituality, and allocating more time for the quiet activities like meditating, tending to my plants, baking, reading and writing. Those feel-good things people do to get a sense of calm in one's nerves.
It probably explains why I feel like such a walking storm these days, and maybe that's why I think things need to change.
Re-learning to have faith š±
"And he saith unto them, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith? Then he arose, and rebuked the winds and the sea; and there was a great calm." -- Matthew 8:26 (KJV)
It has been a long time since I last opened any religious text. However, it's kind of funny how the question in this Bible verse speaks to me these days on a spiritual level, Why are ye fearful, O ye of little faith?
Ever since arriving home, I have been feeling spiritually distant than when I was before the pandemic. My prayers lately have gone from stale to substance-less. My meditation life which used to be place where I could have a sense of safety is turning into a pitiful attempt to get some sleep at night. I donāt check in on myself as much as I usually do and just merely use physical activity to escape and gain the illusion of being āproductiveā instead of actually trying to be productive on things I need to work on.
Instead of becoming a necessary part of my daily routine which could bring more clarity into my life, my workouts and pole-ing have turned into mere forms of escapism -- metaphorical pieces of band-aids on a basic level which I have used to cover up an internal crevasse.
Since I have become so good at these things, I might as well just focus on what I am good at than start to working on those which I suck at, right? Right... but I think I'm doing it too much, too much that it's making me lose sight on what's important.
As I said earlier, I donāt write and reflect and think as much as I used to. In fact, I havenāt written a single page in my reflective journal for the past several months. I want to say that my hands have been full because of my job lately, but that wouldn't be true. I have had so many chances this month alone but would rather want to spend the time and energy, napping, or overpole-ing or Netflixing.
What am I scared of? I ask myself that sometimes. As I have said earlier, I think my brain is trying to protect me from disappointment. It probably has had enough of it the previous year tbh. The thought of riding through all the highs I get in my workouts during my free time is always WAY better than to actually sit in front of a blank page and plan for things which might get cancelled unexpectedly anyways.
However, when I see people who are steps closer than I am to where they want to be (and sometimes where I want to be) despite this global crisis, I couldnāt help but feel a pang of envy or the temptation to pity myself for not getting half the chances they are having.
Especially because I'm working in an industry in which I wasn't equipped for, and as a result, this is making me feel out of place. It has turned into a recurring insecurity for me lately. As much as I am thankful for my current job, things like these still pop up. The storm in Matthew 8:26 is the metaphor for my mind. I want it fixed but I know it's easier said than done but I also want to experience faith again.
Learning how to make informed (financial) decisions š
I am a millennial. In fact, I am part of the last batch of millennials which subscribed to #adulting in the most inconvenient of times (during the COVID-19 pandemic). This is why I have begun taking interest in alternative ways of making money, and stabilizing financial resources.
Apparently, I still have a lot to learn.
If there is anything I know that I am absolutely bad at, it is taking risks, especially with money. I don't like taking any type of risk (even calculated ones) until or unless I can reassure myself that 80% of the possible outcomes will work in my favor.
I like being safe and this is why I think I find myself slow when it comes to investing in businesses. I've let many opportunities fly by because of my reluctance in taking risks, and I realized that they stem from being uninformed, from possessing a gap on some necessary knowledge, in my current case, it's in analyzing the stock market.
So why don't you just hire some bloke who will do the analyzing for you, Roxanne?
You know, I have thought of that, and aside from the fact that it's also going to have me investing in more money for the expertise, I am also interested in learning the art and science of stock market analysis myself (for myself). I would rather much spend time personally learning it from other people than outsourcing expertise.
I also need more experience since the market is not really at the most ideal time (COVID-19) to invest so I'll use this time to take things slow and use this opportunity to learn my cards well first.
My list may not be much, as I only listed what I think are my vital few. But hopefully, making changes in these top three things is going to lead me to a better internal state by the end of the year.
I realized that faith is really what I need to work on, and it took me more than a whole month to realize this and reflect it in writing.
2020 has not been an easy year, all of us know that, and January 2021 alone has not been an easy month (for me at least), but I am willing to go through the distance and unlearn my need for control, and re-learn how to have faith.
Faith 101: For a control freak like me, it won't be a walk in the park, so wish me luck, or better yet, pray for me.