Death and rebirth is a process.
I want to share with you my acceptance of the great agony of my fear so that I could embrace my heart and take a dive into the unknown.
Nearly two and a half years ago I was given a gift. I was laid off from my my job.
After which I was diligently looking for work, but I was also enjoying not having a job. And I didn't have guilt of not working because not having a job was out of my control. I had worked for almost 20 years - since high school I had not had much of a break from employment, from having a boss.
And when I took on new interviews I cringed. I didn't quite allow myself to see that I didn't want another job. I secretly hoped I wouldn't get a job offer.
But after a few months went by I realized that what I wanted was to follow my passion... of gardening, of being in nature, of my dream of having a homestead.
The thought of farming for a living came to mind. The thought of wwoofing, or volunteering on farms for food and board, flirted with my consciousness.
I remembered the articles from Mother Earth News that my mother had photo copied and mailed me about some young people that had made a living with the french intensive veggie farming model. And articles of people that went wwoofing on farms across the world before starting their own farm.
But how could I do that? I was accustomed to another lifestyle. I had no background in agriculture.
The following is an excerpt from my journal where I allowed myself to reason with my doubts and fears about taking perhaps the biggest leap of my life.
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So my fears:
- Selling the home is a hassle
- Losing money
- Losing potential savings
- Moving somewhere new with no immediate support
- Being way out of my comfort zone whether traveling or moving
- Not knowing where I want to end up
My fears if I travel
- Costing too much money
- Planning it out
My fears if I move
- Dipping into savings without necessarily having a job lined up
- Having to get out of my comfort zone and meet new people, network, make new friends
- Dealing with different growing seasons
On the flip side the pros are:
Wwoofing would be a grand adventure, once in a life time. Its an opportunity to overcome my fears and be a Goldmund. Have very few bills, no home and no job would give me the opportunity to really feel free, seek my destiny, and open myself to the truth and genuine experiences. I would be doing something akin to what I wanted to do earlier in my adulthood and backpack the country but was too scared and didn't know how to achieve what I wanted without giving up my comforts.
Moving somewhere new would get me out of my comfort zone. I wouldn't have a mortgage, utility bills, or other related bills to worry about. Cost of living would be less and perhaps I could ease myself financially by living with a friend at least a few weeks if not months while looking for work. I could always move back. Living somewhere new would give me more appreciation for nature, family, friends, my life.
Pushing myself past my fears and into change can have nothing but good effects. It could help me with my confidence, my life challenges and open my mind to new ideas and ways of thinking. There is no right or wrong answer, whether I stay or go. But going has the added benefit of allowing me to change and get out of my comfort zone.
Getting out I think would be a huge relief. The only thing really holding me here besides the garden is money. I got enough experience between the garden and volunteering to have confidence in myself that I could be a farmer, I could make it work.
I don't have the greatest green thumb, but I'm getting better with time and experience. I know there are answers in books that I could learn from. I can find more mentors, more internships, jobs and get the experience I need to start my own farm, if that is my destiny after all. Wwoofing could fill a big gap in my education if I choose the right farms to Wwoof with.
And if I end up deciding farming is not for me, that's an option too. That also would be an opportunity to change. I have really nothing to lose except money. But I can be smart about not spending too much. Spending some of my savings would be OK if I was able to retain enough for a fallback. There will always be money to be made.
Whether I spend a little or all of my savings... is it worth the money? For the experience and the education? To live my life unafraid? To say that I did it and I tried something that most people will never get to say they tried? That seems worth it to me. Was it a rhetorical question all along, and the only thing holding me back from seeing it was my fear and logic?
