Darkness Creeps In
As I lay in bed, drifting off to sleep, my brain takes advantage of my inattention to ramble down a road of thoughts suppressed. It's a path shrouded in darkness, shadows, and pain. A path I have not allowed my thoughts to travel on in quite some time.
You see, when you go through severe emotional trauma, sometimes the only way to get past it, is to shut it off! After all that happened this summer with our animals I have had to move forward and not allow it to succumb me!
But as my thoughts wander without my secure grip on them, they go to my goats that I lost and it hurts so raw it's as if it just happened. The tears start rolling down my face and soaking into my pillow as I try to stop my thoughts. These sneaky little devils are a bitch sometimes! Part of me wants to let go and just cry and feel the pain and allow it to take over. Part of me feels guilty for not letting the grief take over.
But then there's my logical brain that says, don't even go there! I know that once I allow the pain to flow freely I won't have control anymore. I won't be able to reign it back in. So I stick to survivor mode and begin shutting down my brain once more. Blocking out the sad pain of my weary heart! Ah, success, now I can sleep...
The rest of my night was insomnia at it's worst. But no more sad thoughts so that's better, I guess. I can live without sleep but I can't live with depression which is exactly where I'll find myself if I allow it.
After a long night of trying to sleep I finally just get up early and double dose my coffee intake... I go about my morning routine of taking care of our goats and making sure they are pampered and loved. You never know when you might lose one and have to start all over again. I am very attached to my goats, we are bonded! Each one of them holds a very special place in my heart.
Then I get an email notification. It's from the state lab that did the necropsy on Peanut. It has been 6 weeks since we brought her in for answers. Answers we will never have.
"The specific cause of death is unclear in this case"
I read through all the medical lingo pulling out what I understand but this sentence is really the only one that sticks with me.
To the lab techs and vets this is over now that no more goats are sick and/or dying, but to me, it is never over. There will be many more nights that I suppress my feelings and keep the tears from flowing because that's the only way I can survive. To have another day to pamper and love my goats I still have.
Rose ~ The Goat Lady
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