They say life is one of the hardest things in the world to master. The second worst thing? Coping with the reality that you may no longer be needed, that you've run your course. Damned if I do, and Damned if I don't. It's just life...sick and twisted, but life.-Ashton Phillips Mark
The day I considered suicide was one of the worst days of my life.
It all started years ago, back when I was still a kid.
No one knew it, but I was facing depression.
Days would go by that I would consider ending it all, even during the times sitting in the pews listening to the gospel choir. I didn't really have anyone to talk too, someone who would understand me.
As a child I had a unique way of viewing the world; my eyes bathed themselves in fantasy books, and my heart longed to fly among the stars. I never fit in with those I called close, and frankly, I didn't think I ever would.
The years ticked by, my life changed drastically. I entered "The Great Depression" of my life, which sparked a current six-year battle with more depression than I did in back as a kid. Over the years I saw many friends come and go; friendships lost forever and some blooming for the first time. It was hell.
When the demons from The Great Depression decided to fight me, I left and went to the farthest place possible from them-Hawaii. I was free, free to live the life I wanted to in the place I knew I belonged.
Fate screwed me again and I was sent back to the mainland, where I entered into a long battle with school, with a false hope that everything is better with a degree. Is it? I don't know.
All of this brought me to the place I am now, and it brought me to the end of myself
In a moment of weakness, when I lay in my bed last night (February 18th, 2018) I looked for some way out; silence in this never-ending chaos of noises, of people lecturing me about my past, and no one truly listening to me.
It was in that moment I saw it.
A belt. A high place. And no roommate to find me.
I knew no one would come looking for me, at least not for a day or two.
Holding my own hand I considered it strongly, knowing that this would end it all and for once, just ONCE-I would not hear the voices in my head.
You may be asking what kept me from killing myself last night, what held the belt at arm's length and the Noose far from my neck.
Honestly, I don't know what kept me from ending it all last night.
All I know is that, for the second time in my life, it became an option.
And I saw Hell's door knocking.
I hope no one ever goes through what I did, but for those who are in the depths now, I issue this statement.
Hold on. I'm here to help, people will help.
You just gotta look past those who care to lecture than to listen.