There is a certain charm in insanity that you have to admire.
I am sitting in Starbucks without the benefit of my aluminum foil hat.
And, evidently, I REALLY need one.
Because the zombie apocalypse is off the table, only to be replaced by CRAZY MOTHERFUCKERS.
It all started with the lizards.
Lizards, now don’t quote me here, are running everything.
I came in late, middle of the conversation, so I can only report what I managed to piece together.
The lizards run everything behind the scenes, like a shadow government. Politicians, the authorities, and the Jews that run Hollywood, are all under their thumb.
The lizards are out to kill people and reduce the world populations. They are doing this thru a variety of different evil plans.
The lizards are cannibals, and eat people. (Technical point here. Lizards, being a different species, are not eating their own people, just us. So they are not cannibals, just predators.)
The lizards are a clever bunch, from the sounds of it.
Their main method of culling the human population?
Cancer causing toilet paper.
I may just shit myself at the hysterical craziness of it all. (But I am afraid to wipe my ass at this point. I would use newspaper but I am afraid the ink will transfer words onto my ass cheeks like when you press Silly Putty onto newsprint. I know how crazy this sounds, but serious insanity can be passed like a mental STD without the availability of penicillin. Mind your own business.)
The whole presentation is a macabre little bit of theater.
The main authority on Lizards and their vile activities is a bald guy with a sweaty head in an air conditioned room that we will call Mad Hatter. I chose that name because it really captures the crazed glint in his eyes.
His sidekick has yet to say an actual word. He just grunts in agreement or makes a derisive snort of disbelief. He is a non=speaking hype-man for this performance. We will call him Grunt.
Mad Hatter seems to have an issue with his coffee.
Prior to every sip, he peers thru the drink hole in his cup, eyes narrowed with suspicion.
What’s he looking for?
What will suddenly be there before that next sip that wasn’t there before the last one?
I am a huge believer in individual rights and I am against the state having too much power…..but-
I would be ok with them putting these two creepy sum-bitches down for the greater good.
Harsh times, harsh solutions, good coffee.
And coffee can make it all better.
Ok, I will relent, lets let the boys live, I am feeling benevolent.
Can you tell that my coffee cooled down enough to drink a few lines ago?
Thats how it goes, life is dire and scary without proper coffee.
Mad Hatter and Grunt are still batshit crazy, but they are not my problem.
But, and this is important, they are SOMEBODIES problem.
There is someone, somewhere, that is stuck with these paranoid shitbags.
God forbid, a wife somewhere.
The poor woman must drink, that is the only way I can see her getting thru her day.
Drinking and plotting his death.
Not sure what it is about the boys that brings out the dark and evil here, but it keeps coming up.
I mean, we all saw Old Yeller as kids and everyone cried their eyes out.
But you have to do it, but its wrong.
You have me in a box here.
Let me think about it before I call the authorities to euthanize Mad Hatter and Grunt.
(Just watched the ending of Old Yeller on Youtube, made me tear up, even decades later.)
While I am contemplating, Mad Hatter just ponied up that the President and most of Congress are really lizards.
That would actually explain a lot.
A new idea has popped into my head.
With the right amount of prodding, Mad Hatter and Grunt are just the men America needs to take care of the lizards.
Because it starts with Lizards and ends up with the zombie holocaust.
Correction, it starts with coffee.
Lets not forget why we are here.
Mmmm coffee.