The following is an actual transcript of one of my online chats with Comcast (aka Xfinity).
I swear this is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
(As I type this I have my hand on my heart, am wearing a flag lapel pin, and if you look closely there is a small tear of sincerity at the corner of one of my eyes).
Have you noticed all the extraneous gobbledygook, sympathetic hooh-hah the online chat people lay on you these days?
They do it on the phone, but that seems like a waste of LESS time to me.
Who knew you could save your online chats????
"user CLIFF has entered room
analyst Albert has entered room
Albert: Hello CLIFF_, Thank you for contacting Comcast Live Chat Support. My name is Albert. Please give me one moment to review your information.
Albert: My pleasure to have you on this chat! I always remain committed and focused to provide you quality customer service at my fullest effort. Please allow me to assist you with your concern for today. I hope you are doing well today.
CLIFF_: My Issue: You are billing me $9.95 for an additional outlet AGAIN. I do not have an additional cable box - I returned it to you months ago.
Albert: Hi, Cliff.
CLIFF_: Hi
Albert: I understand you have questions about the equipment you returned and still getting billed for it, is that correct?
CLIFF_: yes
Albert: Thank you for confirming, Cliff.
Albert: I am sorry this happened, Cliff.
Albert: I can assure you it was never our intention that you would have this problem.
Albert: I know its frustrating, I would feel the same way.
CLIFF_: The billing for the equipment stopped, then started again. Then you stopped it and now it is starting again.
Albert: I know that its important to be billed only for the services that you are using.
Albert: I too do make sure that Im always on top of my bill, Cliff.
Albert: I do understand you on this.
Albert: Don't worry.
CLIFF_: How about making stop? I do not need etic words, just stop the extra charges.
Albert: Let me make this up to you, Cliff.
Albert: I will completely remove this for you.
Albert: I'm here for whatever questions or concerns you have. I'll do everything I can to help you.
Albert: Cliff, please give me two minutes to pull up your account.
Albert: Would that be okay?
CLIFF_: re.
CLIFF_: sure
Albert: Thank you for your understanding, Cliff.
Albert: I appreciate it.
Albert: I'm glad to inform you that I successfully pulled up your account.
Albert: Thank you for patiently waiting.
Albert: I'm now reviewing your account information, Cliff.
Albert: May I ask the billing statement date in question, Cliff?
CLIFF_: The current bill.
Albert: Thank you for that, Cliff.
Albert: Let me check on this.
CLIFF_: I just paid it online, but I paid $162.78
CLIFF_: this is boring
CLIFF_: I am bored
CLIFF_: this takes too long
CLIFF_: what is the reason for the delay
CLIFF_: hurry up
CLIFF_: why does this take so long
CLIFF_: make the billing chage
Albert: I'm now verifying this on the system, Cliff.
Albert: Don't worry.
CLIFF_: do something
Albert: I will make sure this is completely deleted from your account.
Albert: This is to assure you that this will not happen again.
CLIFF_: hurry albert - the world and I do not want to waste more time on this
Albert: Would you mind waiting for a couple of minutes while I research that for you?
CLIFF_: why? what is there to research?
Albert: I understand your urgency on this, Cliff.
CLIFF_: make the extra $9.95 STOP please
Albert: I'm now searching on the system the reason why this is showing again on your account.
Albert: Yes, I will do that, Cliff.
CLIFF_: I cannot pay these extra fees.
CLIFF_: I will not pay these extra fees.
Albert: I understand you on this, Cliff.
Albert: I'm with you on this.
CLIFF_: why do you keep billing me for something I do not have?
Albert: Cliff, the system keeps on prompting me that you don't have any email address associated on your account.
Albert: Can you please provide me with one?
CLIFF_: how does the system send me my bill Albert?
CLIFF_: If the system has no email address, how does it send me a bill?
CLIFF_: you are wasting my time.
Albert: This is because you are on Ecobill, Cliff.
CLIFF_: cut the crap and stop the extra
CLIFF_: Right, and how do you send an ecobill Albert?
Albert: Cliff, let me explain this to you.
Albert: I would need a username as the system asks for it.
Albert: This is separate from your Ecobill.
Albert: Don't worry.
Albert: I'm now processing the removal of your charge, Cliff.
Albert: I do apologize for the inconvenience.
Albert: Pleas give me a minute on this one.
CLIFF_: look on my ecobill for my user name.
Albert: Thank you.
CLIFF_: this is a waste of my time - can I speak with your supervisor?
Albert: Cliff, this Ecobill information is not accessible on our end.
Albert: Cliff, I have great news for you!
Albert: I have successfully removed the charge on your account.
CLIFF_: I won the lottery? Free HBO for life?
CLIFF_: you call that great news?
Albert: The resolved reference number is 53749528.
CLIFF_: Thank you and may the wind be always at your back.
CLIFF_: I am so proud of you Albert. Terrific job.
Albert: I understand you on this, Cliff.
Albert: Don't worry.
Albert: I'm now processing a special request on this matter so that I can make sure this will not happen again.
CLIFF_: If the extra charges show up again, I will be calling my lawyer
Albert: I'm now also reviewing the notes on your account concerning this matter, Cliff.
Albert: I understand, Cliff.
Albert: I will make sure of that.
Albert: I'm now processing this for you.
CLIFF_: Are we done yet?
CLIFF_: I have to pee.
Albert: I understand, Cliff.
CLIFF_: Real bad.
Albert: Don't worry.
Albert: I will stay on your account.
Albert: We are now set on this credit, Cliff.
CLIFF_: Oh NO! I just peed my pants waiting for you to hurry up
CLIFF_: Are we done? Can I go now and clean up?
Albert: Yes, Cliff.
Albert: We are now set on this.
CLIFF_: Thank you very much Albert.
Albert: You're very welcome, Cliff"
SPECIAL SURPRISE UPDATE: I received my latest bill, just a couple weeks after Albert assured me the extra charges were a thing of the past. Wanna guess? Yup, the $9.95 charge for the second cable box that I returned months ago is once again on the bill.