I viewed the little-seen 1976 JAWS parody, GUMS.
The viewing took place at Seattle’s Grand Illusion, a small all-volunteer-run movie house in the University district. There was a leak in the roof that was dripping above one of the projectors but disaster was averted.
In GUMS, Brother Theodore wears a Nazi uniform, storming about the beach town of Great Head demanding, “Where were you during the war?”
Brother Theodore was in Dachau, the first Nazi concentration camp opened in Germany. He was checked in by someone who he knew from school. He was allowed to leave after he later signed over the family business to the Nazis.
GUMS is a film about a fallatio-obsessed mermaid who wreaks havoc in the town of Great Head. It’s a porn film. The screening at the Grand Illusion featured the “clean” cut of the film. The “action” sequences were mostly covered on the screen by various black and white drawings of lobsters and cannons, among other things. The mermaid was played by Terri Hall, a one-time member of the Stuttgart Ballet Company. She does some ballet in the film, among other things.
Robert Kerman played the Richard Dreyfuss role. He also appeared as the male lead in Debbie Does Dallas, and was more recently seen on the big screen portraying the TugBoat Captain in Spiderman (2002).
Brother Theodore used to play chess frequently with Albert Einstein, and thus Theodore is the thin layer of separation between Einstein and hard-core pornography.
In Olympia, a small crowd (if there exist large crowds, this must posit the existence of small crowds) was witness to the Brother Theodore bio-pic “To My Great Chagrin: The unbelievable story of Brother Theodore.” Theodore’s Son, who resides now in Bainbridge Island, WA, was in attendance and spoke after the screening. He relayed the story of how his father, in his nineties, called him for consolation after a breakup with his then-current girlfriend, who was in her early forties. “I’m not sending you a prostitute,” his son thought.
Like Chaplin, Theodore often dated much younger women. Unlike Chaplin, Theodore often dated more than one at a time.
GUMS provides a rare look at Theodore on the screen. Commonly, most people, if they have seen him at all, remember him from the Tom Hanks film “The ‘Burbs” or his many visits to “Late Night with David Letterman” in the 80s.
Theodore, however, is well-known among writers. Harlan Ellison referred to him as “the only man I ever really wanted to meet.”
“You know Harlan, we are very much alike,” Theodore said to Ellison. “Women find us fascinating. They say, ‘there is life here. I must be near it.’ And it’s good for a month. Two months. Then... ‘when will he shut up!’ And they run screaming into the streets!”
His headstone reads: Known as Brother Theodore / Solo Performer, Comedian, Metaphysician / "As Long As There is Death, There Is Hope"
"Only what we have lost forever do we ever truly possess.
Only where there are graves are there ever resurrections.
Only when we have drunk from darkness shall we truly see."
Brother Theodore
"It is my sincere wish that after my death my head be severed from my body and that it be replaced with a bouquet of broccoli. It is the artist in me."
- Brother Theodore (1906-2001)