Ok, so my buddy Josh is a sick fuck. You guys remember me, right? You know, last time, I traveled through time and ended up at some crazy-ass place that looked like a fucking nightmare. And it all started at the toilet precisely at Josh’s house. K? We’re all on the same page now?
The thing is, Josh was a little skeptical at first when I told him what happened, but then he tried the fucking thing and he saw the same shit. When he returned home, he was as white as Robert Pattinson in that goddamn piece of shit saga about vampires and glitter. I still remember what he told me that time:
—HOLY SHIT STEVE! HOW IS THIS SHIT EVEN POSSIBLE?! MY FUCKING BATHROOM IS A TIME MACHINE! OH MYYY GOOOOD…
So, let’s just say, Josh has been using and misusing that time device. Of course, me too, who am I kidding, right? Anyway, last night he just told me his latest adventure, one I thought to be the most sick shit ever on the history of the world. I mean, he found out the way to travel back in time. Fuck physics, right?
Whatever, the thing is, Josh found out how to travel back in time. By accident, of course. That motherfucker knows as much physics as I know about porn. No wait, that’d mean he knows a lot. Fuck it, you get the point. As you recall, you had to flush the toilet in order to travel through time. That was it.
Now, this is what he told me:
—Ok, so there was I, dropping a massive amount of shit, my bowels were hurting like hell, my fingers were soared from clinging to the porcelain, I was cryi…
—OKAY JOSH, I GET IT. You have diarrhea. Move on to the fucking point.
—Ok ok, so anyway, right when I was dropping my soup, I decided to flush, because the smell was terrifying and I was a little scared I could die before I coud travel. You know you have to be seated and flush for the ride to happen, right?
—Yeah yeah, of course, we figured that out last week, but hold on. You still wanted to travel with that diarrhea? Are you fucking crazy man?
—I was bored, who cares? Whatever, the thing was, I flushed WHILE STILL SHITTING, and… I went BACK IN TIME.
—Fuck you Josh! That’s impossible! Get real!
—Impossible? Really? So having a motherfucking time machine is perfectly normal, right? C’MON MAN! Wake up and smell the coffee.
—Wake up and… what? What strain are you smoking now? Is your dealer a human being?
—Hey hey, don’t mess with Carlitos man, he’s good. It’s not his fault to be mexican.
—That’s the most racist shit I have ever heard. Holy shit, you’re a true american white trash now.
—HAHAHA YOU BASTARD!
Ok, so we went on a little bit about racism and stuff and afterwards he did told me about the trip. Turns out when he was shittin’ and he flushed, he did went back in time. And he realized this after some “researching”. When he traveled, he appeared in some abandoned lot filled with fucked up cars. Wiping done, he began looking for some answers.
He was alone, but at some distance there was a big ass house. He got close and when he was ready to enter, he heard some voices. In our travels, we were always alone, so this was a shock. He hid, and waited till the voices moved away. Grabbed some clothes hanging dry and went on to explore. He realized he was in the past while watching old cars driving around like new.
The bastard told me he saw some kid and decided to steal his clothes, so he smacked him hard with a rock in the head and the poor little bastard fell like a bag of potatoes, according to my humble friend. He also took his money. Rat bastard. He recognized some old buildings from the neighborhood as he strolled down the streets.
At some point, he saw this girl. Smoking hot body, he calculated the girl must’ve been at least 23. He said he went to meet her, because he wanted to fuck her of course, and he did. The story of how he achieved it is not that important, believe me. I’ve seen Josh’s skills with the ladies and, well, let just leave it at the point that I envy the son of a bitch.
He comes back, having to carry a bucket of water to the toilet in order to return, and when he does he had no diarrhea. Of course, the sick bastard stayed over there for several days. In our normal time, a few minutes had passed, but whatever, I’m no expert in the relativity aspect of this shit. He returns to his home, and when he was coming down to call me, he saw an old picture of a girl he recognized...
—YOU SICK BASTARD! YOU FUCK YOUR GRAMMA? ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS? OMG JOSH WHAT THE FUCK?!
—I KNOOOOOW, RIGHT? Holy shit, I have no idea how it happened.
—I can’t fucking believe you. I don’t even know how you’re fucking alive, holy fucking Jesus this is so goddamnly disgusting. Shit…
—Steve, I swear to god man, I didn’t know she was my gramma, if I had known, shit, man, I mean… I don’t know how it happened. It’s like I’m my own grandpa or some twisted shit like that. Although, I’m pretty sure I heard my mom say once, gramma met my grandpa when she was 26 so, I guess my existance is saved.
—HOW COULD YOU BE SO CALM TALKING ABOUT THIS SHIT???? OH MY FUCKING BLOODY GOD, HOW COULD YOU BE SO CALM AFTER FUCKING YOUR DEAD GRAMMA?
—Well, she wasn’t dead at all while I was smackin’ that ass, you know.