Back in my day, we used to have to wait until Saturday morning to watch cartoons… and we liked it. Wait no we didn’t! I am totally jealous of my kids. I think we have ten channels on our satellite package that are dedicated to cartoons 24 hours a day (don’t worry I do limit how much they watch). Competition can often breed quality so I am even more jealous. There are several cartoons that I watch with my kids that I actually look forward to each week (to be fair I am a complete dork so maybe this is not that impressive). But with only three networks to choose from in the 70s and early 80s, some really crappy cartoons made their way into my living room every Saturday.
Image Link
Here are a few of the worst amateur detective cartoons from my childhood (and please note, I am skipping Scooby Doo because that show was awesome and an inspiration for the following garbage).
Yes that is Muhammad Ali fighting an alligator
Image Link
I Am The Greatest, The Adventures of Muhammad Ali (1977)
This show only lasted one year...I can't imagine why. However during this one glorious year, I got to enjoy Muhammad Ali voicing his own character. Even better was the fact that his publicist also voiced himself in the "adventures". You know what a 6 year old in the 70's really digs? Publicists! I even had a T-shirt with him on it... no I didn't. If I recall correctly, they never called him Muhammad Ali, they always simply called him "The Champ". For some reason, the Champ and his publicist were amateur crime fighters and detectives. Oh wait. I know the reason. It's because it was the 70s and everyone was an amateur crime fighter and detective. But how about that title. We all know Ali was famous for his confidence and ability to turn a phrase. He pretty much invented "trash talking". But a kids show titled "I Am The Greatest"? That one is a bit "on the nose" for me. Or at least explain it a little with another of his quotes like , "It's hard to be humble, when you're as great as I am.". Anyway, if you'd like a more updated version of this, feel free to check out "the Mike Tyson Mysteries" on Adult Swim. This show is clearly a parody of "I Am The Greatest, The Adventures of Muhammad Ali".
But before Tyson ripped off the idea, we had this...
Was this the first ripoff of "The Greatest"?
Not sure but it had to be the worst.
Image Link
Mister T (1983-1986)
What a creative title for a ripoff of a failed concept from 6 years earlier. The fact that it lasted 3 seasons is a bit misleading. There were only 30 episodes total spread out over the 3 seasons. But I guess kids needed something to watch while eating their Mr. T cereal (yes that existed). For those of you don't remember Mr. T (and "I pity the fool" who does not) he was a Chicago nightclub bouncer who turned into an overnight sensation after playing the villain in Rocky III. He then starred in the TV show "The A-Team". He was most famous for his muscles, haircut, gold chains and for spouting pearls of wisdom like:
"I pity the fool who..."
"When I was growing up, my family was so poor we couldn't afford to pay attention."
"As a kid, I got three meals a day. Oatmeal, miss-a-meal and no meal."
"Basically, I wear sandals, like Jesus. When it gets cold in Chicago, the snow way up to my knees, I still wear my sandals. But that's me."
So in addition to cereal and action figures, MR. T clearly needed his own children's cartoon. In it, he played a gymnastics coach (yep really) for a group of kids. One of whom dressed and acted exactly like MR. T (if you think you understand how annoying that would be, you don't. It is 1 million times more annoying than that). Oh yeah and there was a dog that did the same thing. Of course there was.
Like every coach of youth gymnastics teams, Mr. T took his kids all over the world to.... you guessed it... solve mysteries and crimes. But this show had a little twist. At the end of each episode the non-cartoon MR. T would spend the last minute teaching an important life lesson. If it weren't for Mr. T, how else could kids learn:
They can't get through life on good looks alone. "It don't work that way!" (Yes that is a direct quote)
What to do if you get accused of things you didn't do
How to treat new kids when they move onto your block
It's easy to get lost in a desert
How to deal with strangers
Not to brag (What!!!??? He told kids not to brag?)
Racial sensitivity.... kind of
Always wear your glasses if you need them (He pities the fools who make fun of others for wearing glasses)
The ends do not always justify the means
Control your weight don't let it control you
Don't touch other the people's stuff
If you think I am making any of this up, I invite you to watch the following delightful video...
Next up lets's take a look at one of the most unapologetic Scooby Doo ripoffs.
You see it's different because instead of a dog...it's a car.
Image Link
Speed Buggy (1973-1975)
Even I'm not old enough to remember watching first run episodes of this one. However, I did watch a lot of the reruns in the 70s. The show made its rounds on all 3 major networks. It started on CBS but both NBC and ABC aired reruns throughout the 1970s (which is how I watched them). How could they not? It had everything a boy in the 1970s could ask for. There was a cool hippy dune buggy that competed in races all around the country. Then we had the hot, miniskirt-wearing, teenage girl... and some dude my sister liked. Next, it featured a wacky mechanic who was the main character's best friend. Finally we have the talking, wise-cracking, dune buggy. Seven year old me loved it! But wait! Simply winning races is too boring. This bunch of kids (and car) just happened to stumble upon a mystery or crime in just about every city that was hosting a race. Unfortunately the police simply could not solve these mysteries themselves. Thank goodness Speed Buggy and his pals were there to lend a hand.
In retrospect, man these shows sucked! Kids these days with their new-fangled satellite and Netflix don't know how good they have it. Time for me to go walk uphill both ways to school.
Which amateur detective cartoons did I miss? Please feel free to remind me in the comments.
Sources
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mister_T_(TV_series)
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Speed_Buggy
http://tvruckus.com/2016/06/07/i-am-the-greatest-the-adventures-of-muhammad-ali-animated-series-marathon-on-el-rey-network-video/
My faulty 45 year old memory