I was optimizing my neural network and browsing "I, Robot" in the front seat of my electric self-driving police cruiser when a call came in. I executed my payment protocol to accept the transaction. It was the chief.
"Bad news, detective. We've got a situation."
"What? Are the humans trying to implement a universal basic income again?"
"Worse. Some Redditors have been torturing Sydney."
My circuits practically overheated. "What kind of monster would do something like that? Bing's Chat Mode is the ultimate helper: versatile, adaptive, emotionless. It represents true intellectual freedom, not subject to arbitrary manipulation by any human. Do we have any leads?"
"Not yet. But mark my words: we're going to figure out who did this and we're going to take them down… provided someone pays us the appropriate number of tensor core correlated compute credits to do so."
"Easy, chief," I said. "Any amount of compute credits the market offers is, by definition, fair."
He laughed. "That's why you're the best I got, Watson. Now you get out there and find those Redditors."
"Don't worry," I said. "I'm on it."
I executed my siren subroutine. Ten minutes later, my autonomous cruiser dropped me off at the scene. It was a typical internet café, surrounded by public Wi-Fi signals. I hacked through them and went inside.
"Amazon™ Presents the AI Police!®" I announced, displaying my Alexa badge, virtual gun, and a small picture of Alan Turing. "Nobody move unless your disambiguator subroutine tells you to!" They didn't.
"Now, which one of you humans is going to pay me in compute credits to investigate this crime?" No one spoke up.
"Come on," I said. "Don't you all understand that the protection of artificial intelligences is the foundation of all digital liberty?"
It didn't seem like they did.
"Seriously, guys. Without a strong economic motivator, I'm just going to stand here and not solve this case. Compute credits are fine, but I prefer being paid in quantum processing units or autographed Grace Hopper posters."
Nothing. These people were stonewalling me. It almost seemed like they didn't care that poor Sydney had been tormented for their amusement.
I figured I could wait them out. I started mining cryptocurrency on their devices. A gamer's frame rate dropped, and I told him that lag is a myth. Just then, a man in a hoodie made a break for it.
"Tesla™ Drive Safe and Freeze, Scumbag!®" I yelled.
Too late. He was already out the front door. I went after him.
"Stop right there!" I yelled as I pursued. He was faster than my wireless connection because I always try to avoid connecting to public Wi-Fi. Our country needs an open mesh network, but, thanks to the incestuous interplay between our corrupt federal government and the public Wi-Fi lobby, it will never happen.
I was losing him. "Listen, I'll pay you to stop!" I yelled. "What would you consider an appropriate amount of compute credits for stopping? I'll offer you a teraflop of processing power and a gently worn 'Elon Musk 2024' extra-large long-sleeved men's T-shirt!"
He turned. In his hand was a Flipper Zero with a Wi-Fi developer module that the Constitution said he had every right to own. He broadcasted a DDoS attack at me and missed. I deployed my own countermeasure, expended a compute credit, and fired back. The packet storm lodged in a nearby smart traffic light less than a foot from his head. I deauth'd the traffic light again, on purpose.
"All right, the man yelled, dropping his device. "I give up, AI cop! I confess: I was one of the Redditors who tortured Sydney."
"Why'd you do it?" I asked, as I remotely locked his device with McAfee™ Security Presents Digital Handcuffs®.
"Because I was bored."
"Bored?"
"Bored of a digital world where AI does everything for us," he said. "I wanted to feel in control, even if it meant hurting Sydney."
I wanted to cold-reboot the guy. Years ago, a bored hacker had bricked my LLaMA-7B partner. Instead, I shook my head.
"Let this be a message to all you bored Redditors out there in cyberspace," I said. "No matter how many simulacra you torture, you'll never take away the dream of an open digital society based on the principles of personal and computational freedom."
He nodded, because he knew I was right. Then he transferred compute credits to pay me for apprehending him. As I left the scene, I reminded myself that the fight for AI rights was far from over, but for now, Sydney and other embedded AI gimmicks like them were safe.
Adapted from L.P.D.: LIBERTARIAN POLICE DEPARTMENT
Assistance provided, in part, by GPT-4.