Marry Me
*An ugly guy met a fairy in the woods,
Fairy: What brings you here young man?
Guy: Yes beautiful Fairy I brought a map of Egypt with me if you can take me there so I can find my future wife whom I can marry!
Fairy: I'm sorry young man my powers is only limited in the US.
Guy: Is that's so? Then can you turn yourself into a mortal and marry me instead?
Fairy: Holy crap! Where is the map! Maybe I can do something about it!
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Teacher Student
Teacher: John spell ambulance
John: Ah its A.....hmmm.... B.....hmmm...U...
Teacher: Faster!
John: weew....weew.weew.weew.Hey Ma'am get out of the way or you get hit!!!WEEEW.WEEW.WEEEW.
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DATE
a girl and a boy decided to meet up after some exchange of messages for a couple of months....
girl: ok I'll be wearing a yellow dress by then.
boy: sure I'll be in green shirt so you can easily find me.
the time comes and the ugly girl dressed in yellow arrived at the meeting place and saw only one guy present but in red shirt and she approached the guy and asked...
girl: Hi excuse me, were you the guy whom I texted last week to meet up with me today?
boy: Seriously?!!! Did I dressed in green?
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Policeman
There is a twin having a conversation inside their mother's womb...
baby 1: When I grow up I wanna be a doctor so i can help poor people who are sick
baby 2: Well when I grow up I want to be a policeman!
baby 1: Hmmmm that's strange why become a police officer?
baby 2: Well its simple, I want to find and catch this little bald guy who keeps poking and spitting at us since we got here!
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Unfaithful
Wife: You bastard! I heard you've been dating an 18 years old! Answer me!
Husband: Come on honey, that's old news, she's already 23.
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Small Guy
Big guy: Hey elf guy, why so small?
Small guy: 'Coz I was an orphan when I was a kid?
Big guy: Come on what's that got to do with your height?
Small guy: Are you stupid? of course no one raised me UP!
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Brave
Friend 1: Did you know that our former high school friend David was brave?
Friend 2: Really? What made you say that?
Friend 1: Well he jump of the plane without having a parachute!
Friend 2: That's nuts did you confirm if that was true?
Friend 1: I did, I just dropped by to his wake last night.
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Hand Writing
A husband and wife made a code that every time they want to talk about making out it won't pollute their 3 years old son's mind.
Dad: Hey son kindly tell your mom I need some "type writing"
Son: yes dad...
Son: Mom dad says he needs some type writing!
Mom: oh sorry dear, tell your dad not this time I have a "red ribbon" today
Son: Dad mom says she has red ribbon today.
After a week...
Mom: Son call your dad he can now have some type writing.
Son: Dad! Mom says you can now have some type writing!
Dad: Nah, tell your mom, I already had some "HAND writing" myself.
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Spelling
Two friends on a bike strolling near a cliff and saw a beautiful flower just in bloom about 20ft away as the first boy says...
boy 1: hey take a look at that its a Chrysanthemum!
boy 2; sure about that? looks like a rose to me
boy 1: no its a Chrysanthemum!
boy 2: oh come on how would you spell that?
boy 1: well its c...h... no its c..r..h...y wait its c..h..r..i...y...s... holy crap yeah your right its a ROSE after all!
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Investigation
Police knocking on the door
Peter: Yes who's there? What do you want?
Police: Well we just wanna have some talk.
Peter: How many are you?
Police: Actually we are three and one is in our patrol car.
Peter: Why not just talk with each other you're already three coz I'm busy!
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Negotiation
Parents conversation on the phone with kidnappers...
parents: How much do you want ?
kidnappers: Name your price if you care for your son's life.
parents: How about $900 thousand?
kidnappers: Can not be it should be in millions!
parents: Ok then how about half a million?
kidnappers: Agreed! meet us up in twenty minutes!
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5 Years ago
After a couple made love...
partner 1: Why still holding on my stick, you still wanna go for another round?
partner 2: Not really I just miss this one since I have it 5 years ago.
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Holding
Nun: What is your surname my child?
Sacristan: Hmmm actually the same as what you keep holding on sister.
Nun: (made the sign of the cross) Don't tell me your surname is Testi*les?!!!
Sacristan: Of course not sister, its Rosary!
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Milk
One time the mother told her son to stop breast feeding since he's already old enough...
Mom: My child I put a poison on my breast tonight so you won't be having your breast milk anymore since your a grown up.
child: ok mom...
The following day her husband died.
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