Hi! My name is Ryan and I’m an Obsolescence Tester for Friendly Motors Inc., plant #246.
My job is to check every vehicle coming off the line and to see if it’s functioning correctly; if so, it’s also my job to break it. The design schematics incorporate many flaws but occasional machine errors result in fully functioning automotives, and that is my chance to shine.
My real occupation is to ensure that as soon as a customer receives our product that they’ll have to call customer service, where if they wait on hold long enough, they’ll eventually have to speak to a non-human representative, who will inform them that “the damages are not covered by warranty and that repairs can be made on call, 24 hours a day, for a nominal fee,” over and over again, until they hang up or “press 2 to request a technician.” Our qualified service professionals are trained to break anything else that works, immediately upon arrival, and to stay until the job is done or the police arrive, whichever comes first. Unemployment rates have dropped as many previously freelance vandals and hoodlums are now professional, full-time employees of Friendly Motors Inc.
Of course, if any functional vehicles make it off the line, Friendly Motors Inc. docks my salary.
This process guarantees hidden fees that are invisible to the average consumer; a long life of continuous and expensive service to every vehicle, and insurance benefits for myself, my co-workers and our families, all courtesy of our subsidiary, Friendly Insurance. If a customer becomes irate enough, drives their malfunctioning car to our corporate headquarters and tries to complain to a representative, I get an additional reimbursement from Friendly Petroleum Distributors Ltd.
So, I do my very best to break each vehicle correctly.
There are no human representatives. However, after talking to our Friendly Greeting Machine, and allowing that their car even starts, most customers are satisfied to drive back home again. Perhaps they realize they have no alternative, but either way suits me just fine. To me, the sound of an angry customer is almost the same as the jingle in my pocket.
The only human employees at Friendly Motors Inc. are Obsolescence Testers and Friendly Servicemen, so no one is inconvenienced but the consumer. The Corporate Headquarters doesn’t actually have a door, or a lobby, as there is no one around to enter or exit. HQ is also without windows on the first two stories, as twenty feet is the average height our average customer can throw an average brick. Periodically, we subcontract Friendly Window Replacement Specialists, our subsidiary company, who in turn provide bricks and small trebuchet to our more enthusiastic customers, also for a nominal fee, next door to our HQ.
Since we’re down 2/3 a share and production hasn’t run smoothly since 1978, I have recently received a salary increase. With the extra money I made, I can afford the time to write this obligatory “Thank You” letter to you, the Idiot Consumer. I couldn’t have done it without you.
Sincerely,
Ryan Belgrave
Obsolescence Tester 246-Q9