Some ads for toothpaste say that your smile can take you far, but today we are going to talk about a smile without precedents, a miracle of creation, the masterpiece of the orthodontist of the gods. I know you're probably thinking I’m an obsessive fan of this guy, but no; I'm man enough to admit that this smile -the one from David Beckham- takes my breath away.
David is by far the envy of men and the object of desire of our girlfriends, wives, sisters and priests.
David is good for the environment
Recent research has determined that every time David smiles, a baby seal is saved from being raped by a sea elephant with alcohol problems. We have proof to assure that his smile solves even the cruelest events of nature.
According to our sources in the secret service, after his last appearance at Prince Harry's wedding; David gave a small smile to a photographer’s camera that lasted approximately 2.34 seconds. Immediately, this gesture collapsed all US military structure and Donald Trump, who watched the ceremony on television, agreed to meet with North Korea’s dictator, Kim Jong Un. The meeting will be held next Tuesday and probably it will end up with the two leaders dancing in underwear.
David makes Meghan Markle to hesitate
Meghan Markle hesitated 4.21 seconds to say "I do" to Prince Harry. Witnesses say that the officiating priest’s goggles reflected a beautiful male smiling from behind, which the actress immediately identified. In such short time, Meghan imagined herself marrying David Beckham and being as happy as Victoria. Soon she had to react to realize that she wasn’t worthy for Becks, and then she had to accept her second fiddle, the Duke of Sussex, Henry Charles Albert David, who also shares his last name with our hero.
Among other interesting facts, it is known that Beckham's smile saved United Kingdom from depression after the death of Princess Diana in 1997. He’s the hero of an entire nation. With just a little joke, David was about to resurrect Diana with the incredible power of his perfect teeth, but Victoria (his girlfriend by then), reminded him that he couldn’t joke at funerals and David was forced to frustrate Diana's last hope to live again.
Beckham died and was resurrected
David's smile can more than himself. For example, David died in 2007 when he decided to commit suicide, but when death came for him, it didn’t dare to take him away. The death argued in declarations to the BBC that nobody can be as bastard to wipe out such a beautiful creation from this world. David is alive since then and apparently he will never die.
The phenomenon of possessing this gift from heaven has innumerable benefits. Proofs affirm that as time passes, David’s body evolves to a superior version, much sexier and distinguished. At that rate there will be no designer clothes worthy of his perfectly shaped body and his bank account numbers will increase at a rate of 144 million dollars per every smile issued between 7:00 and 9:00 a.m.
Beckham is more than 2000 years old
A great power carries a big responsibility. David is not from this era, it is known he’s been living since 400 B.C., he has fought all wars and he won them all. Legends say that he shot down a German plane only by briefly gesturing his smile. Using the same method, he resolved the economic crisis in Nepal and Lithuania and some experts say he could resolve the conflict in Venezuela. "David's smile is my guide; I have nothing to be afraid" (1 Beckham 16: 7).
Beckham puts on make up, paints his nails, depilates his eyebrows and spends 70,000 Euros a month touching up his hair. Please somebody stop him! May somebody tell him he doesn’t need it, the balance of the universe happens because of him. In fact, putting a photograph of David smiling on our shelves where we keep family photos with our grandmothers, our annoying cousins or some disastrous family trip; will attract success and prosperity to our lives.
Rumors of infidelity
I will take advantage of these lines to comment on a recent rumor. It is said that David cheated on Victoria, leaving pregnant her daughter’s teacher. You know what? David Beckham can get pregnant your daughter's teacher, your sister and even your mom with the power of his smile while he’s playing a soccer game and brushing his teeth at the same time. If the rumors are true, that teacher should be grateful to have inside her a baby of the sexiest man on Earth. Robert Joseph Beckham David!
The world hasn’t been enough grateful with Beckham. He says he has made several attempts to become a British Royalty knight. Some people say that turning a British knight became his obsession, after Royals refused to answer his calls, causing him great anger. Some friends recommended him to forget about it and becoming more involved with Unicef. My God, poor David! The truth is that he should be the King of England, even more, King of the Earth. Unicef doesn’t deserve him. In fact, Unicef is the one who should get more involved with Beckham; knowing that the light that radiates from his smile could wipe out all hunger of the planet. We consider they’re just limiting his true powers.
Legends about his origins
Let's go back a little to his birth. It is a bit mysterious topic, but some biographies not part of the evangelical canon accepted by the First Church of Beckham (yes, he has his own church where people venerate the healing powers of his smile), point that he’s the son of a god who transformed in human to save humanity. We have no doubt about that. Although the information that is disseminated massively -and according to declarations from same Beckham- he’s the product of mixing different types of perfumes, haute couture clothing and much talent for soccer inside a bathtub.
Another theory of his birth affirms that he’s the result of years of efforts and experiments at United Kingdom’s Biotechnology Research Center. Scientists looked for a formula to create the perfect smile to save human race, but accidentally Professor Utonium added the X substance. Boom! And so David was born, who now devotes his life to fighting crime and evil forces smiling every time he wants.
The third and most absurd theory (and that's why it's the most accepted), is that he was born under the name of "Divine Smile". Before its extinct planet was completely frozen by a meteorite made of sadness; his parents sent him in a very small spaceship where only a baby and a cat could fit. So he was sent to a planet with weak but intelligent life, where he had to grow to dominate the world; which is doing with more or less success to date.
Loving Beckham doesn’t mean being gay
Whatever the way he came to this world (which doesn’t deserve it), David set a precedent by being the only human being you can fall in love with without being homosexual. Because of the beauty of his smile, human men are allowed to desire to kiss his wet lips without anyone having the right to make any judgment. On Planet Earth, it is respected the undeniable right of every human being to invest all available resources and strategies to obtain at least one brush with David’s lips.
Real Madrid converted him in sport legend. From the beginning, his new teammates received him with open arms and closed fists. Above all, Figo and Roberto Carlos (the good ones always have their antagonists). However, his real Nemesis was and will always be, Guti. In fact, Guti hated Beckham above all things, but when he saw him smile for the first time, he obsessed so much with his teammate that became the “Spanish Becks”. However, obsession got more intense after his signing. Guti used to bother Beckham all the time, stealing his toothpaste, looking to be infected with his beautiful smile. We understand you Guti.
David Beckham: His first miracles
David also fulfilled his American dream, signing with Los Angeles Galaxy. In that same city, Ron Howard was at Michael Caine’s house watching a soccer game. Ron’s hatred for soccer was only overcome by his fear of clowns. That day, Real Madrid was playing against Gibraltar team. At a certain moment, Ron saw something that attracted his attention: the angelic smile of a player. He was David Beckham. He couldn’t believe it, but in the replay he could clearly see that it was the most beautiful smile in the world. Howard got up and said to Michael Caine: "That's it, I found it ". The rest is history. Now Ron carries a photograph of that moment in his wallet, in which his life changed forever. He left alcohol, ended his betting addiction and started to be a good father and director. Howard became tenderer than a scene where two fuzzy puppies simulate a fight.
Millions of dollars have been invested to imitate David's delightful smile. NASA and other technology agencies, including Elon Musk’s “Tesla”, developed the android "D4V1D-B3CK-001" which is not the first attempt to emulate such a beautiful smile. Rather this agonizing effort, no human being has achieved to successfully copy Beckham’s smile. In their first 144 tests, Android managed to get close to imitate the smile. With Beckham present on testing site, the Android reached to make a faithful copy of the smile by looking at the face of his owner. Unfortunately, Beckham’s beauty was too much for that android, and then it overcharged and collapsed. Currently, leaders of the free world invest 45% of their GDP in the development of another android, "D4V1D-B3CK-002", in their desire to bring David’s smile to all corners of the earth and galaxy.
All his school friends came out of the closet
Beckham's smile has only brought frustration to his life. During his time school, he could never win the children's game "Try not to laugh", where children look to each other’s eyes trying not to laugh. As a curious fact, 96% of children who participated in these competitions with David, declared being homosexuals 5 years later. In addition to that, they became believers of Beckham’s religion. The 4% declared indefinite sexuality. We don’t really know where this data came from, but we found it interesting. Like Guti, we wouldn’t blame those kids.
Little is known about the immediate future of this incredible man. There are rumors that he will be the next Pope of Catholic Church to show the world the true love of God thru the powers of his smile. Also, there are comments that he will be part (in fact, he will be the Prime Minister) of the New World Order. It is true that whatever David's new challenge is, we are sure that his smile will continue to be his letter of presentation, showing us the solemnity of his smooth and hydrated lips.
Considering so much perfection in a human being, we can only thank God that David is not Chuck Norris’ son, or his powers would be overwhelming.
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