I wanna be a child. Immersed in nothing. But it's fucking hard. Something is resisting. Something else is in control now. Something else than the constant joy that used to rule. Or should I say, someone.
What the hell is this new thing. A new controller. That can't let go. It feels stiff. Stifled. Telling me all sorts of crazy stuff. Can't do this, can't say that. It would make me look stupid. I wanna run around and be a fool, but I'm being told not to. Not by others. There's someone in me. It's as if someone is trying to always hold on. Don't take risks. Scared of change. Scared of being scared. Avoids fear. Wants to get away from pressure. Hates responsibility. What the fuck is this. And why am I controlled by it.
I realize it says a lot of stupid shit. Still, I follow it. Often blindly. I don't know why. I just do it. Not sure if I believe in hypnosis. But this shit works. Little voice in my head has the better of me. WHO is this voice? It's the crazy, alternative hypnosis guy in me. But it only hypnotizes me and nobody else. I follow it. Even though I really don't want to. I want to be free. Free from that hypnosis. Free from myself. I don't know who that is anymore. Who it really is that wants to be free. And free from whom. It should be the same person. But they're two. It's I, and it's myself. Myself is the hypnosis guy with that crazy voice. And I am the freedom guy. And he (I) is not free. But he (I) wants to be. Deep inside, I am truly free. But myself is refusing that. I want them to separate. But what the fuck do I mean by that. I don't even know.
I think it was I who wrote this. The freedom guy who wants to divorce from the hypnosis guy. But the hypnosis guy does not want to leave his host. There'd be nothing left of him. He depends on his better half to be unsatisfied and he is a parasite. If I am free, he would dissipate. I kinda understand him for not wanting that. I don't wanna dissipate either. But I won't. Because I am nothingness and freedom deep inside.
Maybe I shouldn't hate the guy. Maybe I can listen without following his orders. I am willing to do that. A compromise between myself and I. Maybe we'll become friends.