Why Most Marriages Breakdown (11 Lessons from my personal experience)
I got married on April 24, 2010, and in April 2014, my marriage broke down.
I was shattered and I could not understand why such a thing could happen to me, especially because I was a leader in Church who should live by example. I even attended counselling sessions.
I was depressed and almost ran mad. I remember one day, I woke up, got dressed and set out for work, only to get to the bus stop and discover that it was 2:00 am. Lol! I had come out 4 hours earlier.
I carried that scar, hid it from the prying eyes of society and it became a pain point, until God began his healing process in me.
Recently, I was talking with a pastor friend of mine about marriage and he made a general comment. His words: “My principle is that if you have failed in marriage, there is nothing you can teach me.”
My friend hit my pain point hard and I almost cried, but I held back my tears.
Later in the day, I got home and thought about that comment, and while speaking to God about it, I remembered that I had taught a group of people about the power of pain.
I told them that pain, if properly mined, can produce power and it will deliver the promise of God in your life and others.
Suddenly, it dawned on me that God can command light out of darkness and use the foolish thing to confound the wise.
God can use my pain to bless others.
So my dear, if you have a pain point, trust God for healing and know that light can come out of that darkness.
To my righteous heroes out there, I know you just can’t wait to click on your comment button. First of all remove the Iroko tree in your eyes bro, because everybody has an issue.
Just like Jesus did not come for those who are well, this post is for those of us whose broken pieces are being held up and mended daily by Grace.
Some of the lessons might apply to singles. Please read, learn, like, comment and share.
- Finances:
Money is very important when it comes to marriage. There has to be a properly analysed budget and spending plan that is approved by you and your spouse.
Money fuels love in marriage. (I am sharing my own lessons. Please share yours if you disagree).
Single guys, please make sure you have a steady income before thinking of marriage.
Don’t blame the sister if she turns down your proposal, despite your lofty vision, and start accusing her of being materialistic.
After all, you will not use stones to execute the vision. Will you?
I know you will argue like I did that vision brings provision. Yes! Then wait till the provision comes. You will need it to buy diapers and baby food.
On a more serious note, apply yourself to adding value though work, earn an income, then save towards your vision. Not at the expense of your family though.
Also, plan your giving, You can save.
- Power Structure:
In every family, there is a silent but obvious power structure. It can be balanced or one-sided.
By this I mean, who is the more dominant individual when it comes to decision making in the family of your intended?
It is important that you note this before you get married, so you can understand beforehand, the way negotiations and communication might go, because the influence of that structure can rub off on your spouse to be.
You should also visualise the extent of influence the dominant individual has on your intended spouse.
This will help you determine if you can handle, diplomatically navigate or endure it.
Don’t make the mistake of saying “I am getting married to him or her and not the family.” Hmmmm!
- Eternal Influence and Pressure:
Like I said earlier, understanding the power structure in your intended’s family will help you know how much influence they will have when it comes to your marriage.
Also, most married couples take advice from people who either do not have any experience or are going through worse but keep up appearances to make you feel your experience is hell.
Your in-laws are another set of influential power brokers. They should be revered and treated with utmost respect. They wield a lot of influence. Be diplomatic when handling issues with them oh!
As Christians, your standard for decision making should be the bible. Let the Holy Ghost guide you.
- Accountability:
I know we were told not to let third parties into our issues, but I think couples should be accountable to a spiritual authority.
Submit yourselves to a Christian who has proven integrity in the things of God for counselling, when things seem to go out of hand.
You should have someone who will not take sides and counsel you based on the word of God.
The word of God should be your standard.
- Pride:
Pride is a silent killer of marriages. Most men ignorantly go into marriage believing that they are the mini Alpha and Omega.
They disregard the advice and opinions of their wives, which eventually lands them in trouble most times.
When you think you know it all, you make your spouse withdraw and that is dangerous.
- Un-forgiveness:
Un-forgiveness and grudges create a huge gap between couples. It frustrates your communication and gives room for adultery and extra-marital affairs.
The truth is that when you start piling up offences against your spouse, there is a tendency that you will go into adultery or emotional infidelity (You might not have slept with the person, but you always fantasize, imagine and desire to be with him or her).
Try and resolve issues with your spouse immediately. Don’t let it fester. If you do, the devil will step into that breech and offer you all sorts of beautiful ideas and alternatives.
If he does not bring someone that appears more understanding and caring than your spouse, he will introduce you to a habit, which might lead to an addiction.
The grass always looks greener on the other side, because someone took care of theirs or they spent money to lay an artificial grass.
The man or woman who seems loving and is always showing you care will show his or her true colour when the chips are down.
Don’t you understand that anyone who wants you despite knowing that you are committed to someone does not cherish values like commitment, fidelity and loyalty?
In fact, I advise that you issue a post-dated forgiveness cheque before-hand.
Why we get disappointed most times is that the love bug makes us feel that no offence will come from the other person.
We imagine a perfect and exciting life full of laughter and butterflies in the stomach. Don’t get me wrong, marriage is exciting.
Just make up your mind that your spouse will offend you and choose to let go of the offence and forgive him or her before-hand.
Creflo Dollar said “It is not your business how your spouse treats you. Your business is how you treat your spouse.” This is a clear example of God’s love.
- Communication:
Social media and smart phones are keeping most couples from enjoying quality conversations and communication.
Most married couples handle communication like they are chatting on their phone. Very monotonous.
Communication brings bonding. Spend time with your spouse and understand what makes them hurt or tick. Compliment them, buy gifts, write notes and poems.
Don't be engrossed in putting out other people's fire, check your kitchen first if your gas is leaking. It might spread.
That is not to say you should not help people. Oga/Madam, take care of your garden so your grass can be greener.
Be vulnerable before your spouse.
- Family Secrets:
Before you get married, make sure you tell your partner everything you think might put them off about your family.
The one who loves you will stay, no matter what. If you don’t, it might come back to haunt you in future.
Also, look out for trends and traits. I am not saying you should go snooping around like a spy police.
The information will help you make an informed decision. With it, you know what you are going into.
Also, you can bring it to God in prayer and ask for his opinion.
- Commitment:
Marriage is the coming together of two imperfect people who have committed themselves to raising a Godly generation and bringing out the best in each other.
Most times you will not feel the butterflies in your stomach. At times like this, you have to wake up the butterflies and shake your stomach to make them fly.
Don’t let the fire die, be intentional about keeping the flames alive, even if your spouse is being difficult.
Patience and hard-work are involved.
- Distractions:
Beware of angels of darkness presenting themselves as children of light. If you always complain about your marriage to that special caring colleague, or look frustrated, the devil will present you with seemingly better alternative.
There are people who specialise in preying on frustrated men or women who are married. Beware!
They will intentionally treat you better than your spouse, and even exhibit those characters traits you desire, based on the information they gleaned from you.
Let the spirit of joy flow in and through you, despite the challenges.
The joy of the Lord is our strength.
- Spiritual Connection:
Prayer and sex are two forms of spiritual bonding for married couples.
Couples have not really understood how to harness the power of sexual intercourse to bring their desires to pass.
The devil’s intention has been to water down its power by making it a casual form of relaxation or exciting experience, hence the debate on sexual compatibility.
It has become about satisfaction, which is good.
It is more than that.Sex is a powerful tool for dominion that God has placed at the disposal of married couples.
When couples pray in agreement, without any form of animosity against each other, tremendous power is released.
The adversary knows this, so he makes you spend time dousing out fire and trying to prove who is right or wrong, so the bitterness will fester and keep you from harnessing the power inherent in your prayers.
Always apologise to each other and be on the same page concerning your prayer points when praying. Make sure every prayer point has been agreed on by both of you. This is very key.
Don't pray about anything that you both have not agreed on.
I will end this with a powerful quote by my dear brother who was gracious enough to drive us back to our hotel after the wedding.
He said” Your marriage might be made in heaven, but you have to maintain it here on earth.”
Thank you for finding time to read this post.
Please read, learn, comment and share for some else to learn.