"Wait for your turn Yael!" is something I often find myself telling my four year old each time I take her to the playground. A few months ago I thought my mission was accomplished when Yael waited besides a swing with till a little girl could get off and told me, "Mama I am waiting". "Very good Yael, I am so proud of you" I replied and we both give each other a smile. "Wow! that was easy! She has finally learnt that she has to wait for her turn", I thought to myself feeling very proud.
The sense of pride was short lived and died completely a few days later as I saw Yael standing besides the same swing again, waiting for a child to get off. Just as the little child got off and Yael was almost ready to sit another lad came running from a distance, jumped on and occupied it. Teary eyed Yael held on to its iron chain with all her strength and tried not to let it move as she looked at me and cried, "tell him to get down, tell him to get down." I pulled her back fearing she might hurt herself. "Let him be", I said and I was about to say, 'He's small', just as I realised that she was small too, in-fact smaller. As she stomped her feet fiercely, nodded her head defiantly and cried loudly, all my ears could hear her telling me loud and clear was, "THAT IS NOT FAIR!" Off-course, it was not fair. Not fair that she waited for her turn to sit on the swing but someone else got it. Not fair that her mother who kept telling her to wait her turn was now not supporting her when she did and on the contrary allowing another child to do what she has been telling her is wrong. I was left with a sense of guilt that evening and a deep sense of frustration fearing that Yael would never wait for her turn in the park again. Infact she did not! For a very very long time she did not.
Just like the playground our home is like a battle ground each day. We have a one and a half year old who understands nothing about fairness and a 4 year old who is already exploring and imitating the little world around her. Yet I know that in the midst of their 'I Will wait and I won't wait', 'I want more and I've got less ', 'I did this, now you should do that' tantrums, they are already learning that, Life is not Fair! Now as I stand to referee my own one challenging task I find my self doing is telling them in different ways that, 'Life is not fair and that's how it is going to be' But the task that is more challenging is letting them know that, Sometimes we learn from missing a turn, It's okay to give and not get in return, Not every good you do will be added to you. Yet, do right, give and do good anyway!
Play Fair! Play Fair! Play Fair!
But how do we do this?
Here were some of my thoughts as I face this challenge almost daily
Be Gentle yet firm - I've often had to tell my daughter, "if someone pushes you, don't push back, but don't fall down either, stand your ground. If you fall, stand up again. But don't push back. You can tell your teacher, you can tell us at home, you can tell the person who pushed you that you were hurt, but don't push back. In short - 'Be gentle.' I know it sounds foolish to tell a toddler to do something so difficult. I also know that my 4 year old, after obediently trying to stand her ground has also resorted to pushing back a couple of times probably just to explore the consequences. But now I know for sure that in this way she is learning to choose her battles and learning more appropriate ways to fight them. After-all gentleness and kindness takes a-lot more strength and courage.
Don't be normal, Be an Example - If we choose to follow the crowd and do as others do to us, we are nothing but like a herd of cattle. And, we are teaching our children to be just that. We need to teach them to be exemplary leaders rather than blind followers. Just because we are fair we can't expect the world to be fair to us. It is like expecting the lion not to eat us because we don't eat lion. But at the same time we cannot teach our children to be unfair because the world is unfair to us. We need to teach them that it is okay to be different. Our children need to learn that it takes courage to stand alone and yet do the right thing.
Do it yourself - DIY! In this day of DIY anything and everything why don't we also try playing fair at every opportunity we get. Tough as it can get, our children are constantly watching and imitating us. The examples we set for our kids about, 'How to act when things don't go our way', is much more important than the rule we set for them. The best examples they have is us. Here is a simple example. I have often seen adults sending their children in between queues to book a ticket at the railway station and weigh the groceries at a supermarket believing that no one will say anything to a child or to save themselves from being told to stand in a queue. The fact is that our children will grow up with time and in age, but these habits never die. A biblical proverb on parenting says, "Teach a child in the way he should go and he will never depart from it". So, if we want the world to be fair to us and our children, why don't we first do it ourselves?
I was reminded of the Bacardi Rum song with a catchy tune that often caught my attention in my teens. As much as I still love the tune I think the first line itself can be slightly misleading. "Be what you want to be" it says. So, besides allowing us to be good and gentle and kind and be a winn, it also gives us the licence to be cruel, unkind, selfish, negative, unethical and have things our way, by hook or by crook. The world that our children step into each day may teach them just that. So in a world where our children our allowed to follow their own rules, influence them to play fair!
Teach them to play fair, prepare them for others to play dirty, yet not let them be dragged you into the mud!
Play fair, be prepared for others to play dirty, and don't let them drag you into the mud- Richard Branson
