Enters the Church...
Everyone is standing up and singing a hymn as I enter. It's quite nervewracking so I speed up my scuttling, along the main isle until i find the only spare seat available. Right at the front of course! Next to a well dressed old man who is currently giving the singing his all.
All eyes were upon me, but at random intervals rather than all at once which made me feel slightly less bothersome. By the time I was in my place I felt confident enough to nudge the old man next to me and ask to share his hymn book so I could join in.
He politely handed me half of the book to hold, however as soon as I opened my mouth, big and wide, to sing, the music ceased, and everyone quickly sat down.
I was left standing up at the front, holding a book up in the air by myself, mouth still wide open.
No matter, the priest had started talking. I began to slouch in my seat to try and find a comfortable way to endure the experience.
A few minutes into the sermon and my nostrils start flaring, my brain begins to fizzle up, it's too quick, i can't prevent it. My efforts to contain an outburst made my face twist, my eyes squinting, my big wide mouth starting to drag in lungfuls of air....
Ah-AHH-AHHHHH................AHHHCHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!
A major sneeze from nowhere left me holding my nose with my left hand whilst rummaging in all my pockets with my right hand in hope for a savior tissue.
The old man politely sat there pretending he hadn't witnessed my sneeze but the more i fumbled one handed in and out of my pockets, the more attention i drew to myself.
In the end i panicked. I had no tissues, i only had... the inside of my jacket pocket.
So leaned forward in my seat to pretend to "look closer" at something, in order to distract the old man's attention away from watching me and to make it look like im actually holding a handkerchief at the end of the maneuver instead of my insideout pocket.
After succeeding, the next time the old man looked at me i think he presumed i was holding a hanky... albeit in a weird, rather close to my pocket, kind of way.
I then had to blow my nose, it was... horrificly loud and snotty and i think i saw the old man heave and swallow some sick back down his gullet. Oops.
Nevertheless, after a careful tucking in, my massively snotty pocket was disguised as a normal pocket. My snot covered wet hand however, was left subtly wiping itself up and down my trouser legs, and when i noticed the old man looking at me, i turned the wiping into a rubbing to pretend i have a dead leg from sitting too long. I think he wasn't sure what i was doing, but whatever it was, i dont think he concluded i was wiping bogies on myself. Phew.
