Until now, I was confused as to what to invest my life into. I'd look for the "right" thing that I'm supposed to be doing. Everything that I did, I had the thought "this is worthless, I'm not sure I'm supposed to be doing this right now."
But who gets to decide that?
There's this person I'd been listening to since a while, who has a sharp perception & seems to know just what to do. When you get addicted to listening to such people, you stop running your own brain hamsters. Because now you're looking for ready-made answers from them.
So what happened is, I started thinking everything that I do must get a sign of approval from that person. Otherwise I'm wasting my life by doing that activity.
What'd this lead to?
I stopped enjoying everything. That's right, fuckin' every damn thing that I loved to do.
Life's such a torture when it's like this. Even now, some words of that person are ringing in my head which say "a person who is dead sure of what he's doing is an idiot" & it's this thought that brings that doubt and second-guessing whenever I pick something up. It's this that doesn't let me immerse myself fully into an activity.
Man, screw this. If it means I get to immerse myself into an activity, then I want to be an idiot!
Every damn second it's just this crazy search for the "right" thing to do. Now there's another sentence of his that's floating around in the mind "do the thing that is needed joyfully." and I hate this.
Because of this thought, I'm not able to enjoy the simple pleasures of life; I can't enjoy gaming, learning a language, watching an anime. BECAUSE NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE NEEDED! ARGH.
Why you gotta suck out my happiness like that man? I don't want to forcibly stop the stuff I enjoy and go in search of the torturous thing that needs to be done. I want to enjoy my anime, game & language learning no matter how stupid you think it is.
Because this isn't your freaking life, it's mine. Go watch your own life.
Dipshits.
The fear
There's this stupid fear of "oh no soon I need to be earning and I don't have a source of steady income. I should be getting a job. I should be earning money." This stupid thought kills creativity much quicker than you can say coronavirus. No wonder school days were awesome fun. This shitty worm wasn't infecting our minds and draining our life from insides back then. The problem is I can't even ignore this damn thought. It's true, I don't have anything ready for earning. No skill, no interest, nothing. So I'm stuck in the pull of both the sides: a want for creativity & a want for money.
I choose creativity
Screw that money shit, it should follow me. It has no choice.
Hey at the end, either I'll be right or I won't. We won't know if we're just sitting here not choosing either.
It's a scary plunge, away from the paths taken by the many security-oriented people. You're almost drawn to that road where the masses flow; where you can see the next 100 steps already planned, that too by somebody else. Whereas here, even the next step is shrouded in a mist. And nobody else has a say here.
I like this, that's how creativity is.
Designing my life
Now that I've decided, let's create a blueprint.
I want to learn Japanese – that's I'm doing everyday, half an hour. It'll be done in 2 months and 1 week.
I want to be a master gamer – intense gaming stream sessions on Twitch everyday!
The rest we'll see later. Remember, shrouded in a mist.
GTA 5 Online just got finished downloading!
