When I left off in my previous post Jack had just left me to return to his ex. This was a major blow for me but after about two weeks of crying and an epic pity party I began to pick up my pieces. I began looking for a new house for my kids and I, and I also returned to work. I went out with my friends and was standing tall-ish again. Then life decided that I needed to be kicked again, I was pregnant. This should not have been able to happen, I had been spayed after my youngest was born.
What was I supposed to do? I did want him back but I sure as hell did not want him back because I was carrying his child. I held the secret close to my heart and decided to wait to tell him. Wait to see what my heart could bear. I tried to continue as normal, working and moving the kids and I into our new house. As time went on I knew I had to tell him and that the longer I waited the harder it would be for me. No one knew and I did not want anyone to. It would affect everything and I wasn't ready for that. I made the call, and shockingly the coward wouldn't answer his phone. I called a few times and finally left a message that he really had to call me. I was sick, I waited and waited to hear from him. He finally called the next morning.
Telling someone that you were trying to get over that you are pregnant is miserable. Doing it over the phone is almost unbearable. Convincing yourself not to allow him to touch you was death to my heart. I fought the urge to let him console me, and I made it clear that he had no say in what happened and that we were not getting back together because of this baby. At first that worked. We sat and talked about options and what I felt was in this child's best interest. I missed him. His love, his arms around me, his cute little grin, how amazingly safe I would feel laying on his chest. After a tremendously rough day at work, I caved in. I let him hug me and the same feelings came rushing back. The love and the feeling that he was the only man I would ever love again. And so we started over.
Right now you are probably thinking that I must be insane. I was in love with a married man; a lying, cheating, horrible man. He is and was all of these things, but he was also one of the most gentle, loving, intense men I had ever met. There is something about the connection that we have that is indescribable. We began again with the same passion and intensity as before. I would nod off and he would talk to our baby that was beginning to move in my stomach. He would always lay with his hand resting on my moving belly. It was so sweet. I had always hated being pregnant before because my ex-husband was and still is one of the most abusive, in every sense of the word, man on the planet and made being pregnant feel like hell day in and day out. What a beautiful experience to get to have this man who felt like me and loved our child before they even came into the world.
I was so happy again. I should know that anytime I feel good, that things are going well, something horrifying was going to happen. For a week Jack and I had to be in separate places because of our kids, but we were talking all day everyday. I had an appointment with my doctor because I had been having some stomach pain. Because I had been fixed they were watching closely for any anomalies or danger signs. During my ultrasound, I was two days away from being 16 weeks at this time, they found cysts filling my lower abdominal cavity. The baby was okay but there were two cysts that were putting her in danger. Yes, we found out that we were having a beautiful little girl. There were a couple different options for treatment and my doctor said that the more aggressive treatment would be our best option.
We began treatment and the first week was miserable. I was nauseous and in pain the entire time. The second week I felt so much better and I really thought that this was working. I went in for another ultrasound to see the progress, alone because Jack was at work. My beautiful daughter was gone. She had passed, I had miscarried and didn't know. They performed an emergency d and c. I never even had time to tell him that it was over. I didn't get to hold his hand as they took our daughter, Gracee Lynn, out of my body. Alone, I was alone again. This was beyond devastating, but then I had to tell him. I had to break his heart, break a man that I knew was fragile as it was. I had to risk losing her and him. We cried for hours and hours. We still get emotional when we talk of our little girl.
Jack started acting funny about a month after this. He was slightly more aggressive, angry to others but never me, he seemed secretive. I knew in my heart something wasn't right. I knew that he was keeping secrets from me. While he was in the shower I picked up his phone and looked at what was on it. He was having multiple sexual relationships online, some in person when we would be in town. He was sleeping with other women, including his ex-wife. This should have been my time to run away as far and as fast as possible. I was too weak at this point and needed him still. I said nothing. I sucked it up and decided that right then I would just deal and it would pass. He was grieving. Dumbass move I know but it was what I needed at the time.
I did finally confront him and we had several very long conversations. We worked through a lot and began to heal. I still loved him. He loved me. He wasn't very smart and his penis has a mind of its own. I could adjust to all of this and I could forgive. All of this, the internet stuff, continued for two years without my knowledge. The physical screwing of other women had stopped, I could handle the internet stuff if I had to.
After two years I had to have a minor back surgery. It was supposed to be a simple procedure and I would be back to myself and work in 12 weeks. That would have been true if the surgeon wasn't popping Percocet and terrible to begin with. Before I turned 30 I was medically retired and could not go to work any more. I was going to have to try to learn to live with extreme back pain and limitation the rest of my life. This is not how I roll and maybe one day I will write about the progress I have made since then. Needless to say, Jack had a lot of time alone at work and I had to stay home. I should say that we worked camp jobs, meaning that we would go to work for a couple weeks and come home for a couple weeks. I knew that at this point that he would be taking care of his personal needs on his own out there from here on out, but I had a few really close friends that were keeping an eye on him and essentially telling everyone that he was very taken. I felt pretty good about it all.
Again, I felt good. Absolutely should have known that my world was going to tumble down. It always does. We were driving to church and it was such a beautiful morning. I was excited for a great day and that the winter chill was almost gone. We laughed and visited the whole way. Just outside of the church my phone rang. It was a very good friend, for this story I will call her Jane. At least I thought it was Jane, but it turned out that Jane's husband John was calling me from her phone. My heart sank, what has happened to my friend? Turns out that John had found out that Jane was screwing my husband. He thought I should know. He sent me the terrible emails that they had been sending each other and all the pictures that she stupidly had on her phone. Talk about another fantastic blow to the stomach for me. Another heartbreak, another opportunity for me to make a fool of myself.
Oh how I wanted to die. The shock and hurt of this betrayal was worse than anything I had ever felt. The initial response I had was to get a new tattoo on my forearm for everyone to see. A shattered heart with a ribbon that reads "never enough." That is how I felt then and do to this day, I will never be enough. Not when it comes to satisfying this man sexually or emotionally. I am really good at being a wife. Jack never has to do house work or cook dinner, I handle all the stressful situations that our many children bring to us, organize our home and schedules so that he never has to wonder what we have going on. I have tried many sexual things with my husband trying to peak his interest or satisfy him, and frankly enjoyed it too. It's not like I am some kind of prude or sexually stunted, and I definitely am slightly experimental and game for most things. Really, there is no excuse fathomable that justifies what he has done. Again though, I am the dumbass that sticks around, I am the one that fights for our relationship.
Over the course of about six months things began to get better. We were doing well and I was monitoring his actions online so I knew what he was doing. Our children came to us and asked that we finally get married. We discussed it, I insisted on a prenup that clearly stated that in the event of infidelity of any kind I get everything we have free and clear, and we set a date in the summer that meant a lot to us. It was so fun getting ready and I really had learned to forgive and to trust him again. We married, we moved into our new house, and he returned to work. When he came home again we were baptized together on a Sunday after church. It was intense and beautiful. I felt like we had finally gotten past all the awful things that could go on in our life.
I absolutely could not have been more wrong. The next day after we were baptized my father-in-law had a sort of worrisome doctors appointment so I sent my husband with him for support. While he was gone I decided that I was going to leave him a few fun pictures on his iPad for when he went to work. Wow! I found his stash. And being a jealous and pissed as hell wife, I continued to look. After looking through his browser history I found that the night before we married, yes we actually spent the night apart, Jack(ass) was on that stupid Madison website looking for ways to cheat on the wife he did not yet have. The night before we were to be married he was chatting with women again, making possible arrangements to meet up for sex. I was finally so angry I did not think we would ever recover.
This is where I should mention that his father is also a pastor, our pastor. I told Jack that I knew what he was doing and that maybe he should talk to his dad about the "sex addiction" that he has. Surprisingly he did, right in front of me as soon as they returned to our house. We all talked, I was furious, hurt, sick, and sad. His dad said for me to be a "jealous wife, fight for your husband like a jealous wife." So, I did. I fought, AGAIN. It took a long time for me to even be able to handle him touching me or looking at me. It still has haunted me all this time, I think this was the first one I didn't fully recover from. We entered into our own version of therapy and really focused on what we needed to do as a couple to fight these "demons" that were attacking us.
We were doing very well, I mean really well. We were focusing on our health and our marriage, on keeping God in our home and marriage. We were trying very hard. I was still struggling very hard to keep a foot hold, any grip on my sanity. I began really fighting anxiety and depression, welcome the start of my suicidal thoughts. Then, in the start of the new year, his children's biological mother passed away. In front of his daughter, 3300 miles away from us. This was a horrible situation, grief that I would never wish on anyone. I lost my father when I was very young in a similar fashion and could relate to their pain. We traveled to where she was and instantly she latched on to me. I think this was a kick in the balls for Jack, she has always been a daddy's girl, but right now needed me. She still does, we are very, very close.
Once we returned home after the funeral and moving our daughter back with us I felt sick to my stomach with the stress. I knew in my heart that this was too much for Jack and he would go back to his sadistic, self-serving, sexually deviant ways. No, he is not a monster in real life, but in my broken heart the sexual side of him is a monster, the scariest I have ever seen. I was closely monitoring his phone and iPad, watching for any sign that he was in trouble. It took a while but sure enough, there it was again.
This brings me to about 18 months ago. I will tell the rest of the story in the next day or two. I am currently struggling with my feeling for Jack and this seems to be very therapeutic. I know that I seem to have doormat all over me, but there is so much to Jack besides his infidelity, hopefully once I am done with this I will feel ready to share some of the more amazing and fun qualities this man has. Then maybe you won't all think that I am a crazy woman with no self respect.