I am planning on writing this as a series of stories over time to share the true and extreme ways that I seem to be screwable by the men in my life. It is actually really amazing even to me that I could possibly be this naive, blind, and lets just say it how it is, stupid. I am a smart women when it comes to many other things in my life. I am the mom to many kids, can't say how many or it might give away my alter persona, I have a degree and am currently working on two more, and I successfully operate my own business.
Now that I have tried to convince you that I am not a complete crap for brains let me start with my current marriage. It is the one that has blown me away the most. He is a great man with major flaws, but I thought for sure he loved me enough to actually work at fixing this so called b.s. sex addiction he confessed to having a month after we married and a day after we were baptized together. Can we say goodbye faith for me?
The truth is I knew something wasn't right from the start. Well, not exactly the very start but within a few months of dating him. I had left my previous husband and filed for divorce when, for sake of needing a name we will call my husband Jack (ass is implied), Jack decided to completely eff up my whole world and kiss me. I knew and was so angry when he kissed me that I was going to love this man forever. I had never felt so strongly about anything in my life. Quite honestly I still believe I will love him forever. Anyway, the first few months with Jack were amazing. I had never felt so alive or happy in a relationship.
Well, about four months after we began dating that came to a grinding, screeching, sparks flying halt. He comes to me and says that he must leave in the morning on a plane to California to go see his WIFE at rehab. Yeah so he had had me help him file his divorce paperwork, or so I thought. That was how we originally bonded in the workout area of our employer. So why I ask my, looking back at it now, dipstick self what the hell is going on? How can you be so effing stupid to believe that he is just doing it for their kids and it will be fine? Well, I did. I kissed him, told him I'd miss him, and waited for him to come home.
Two months after this things were going so well, we were really happy and he had met my kids and they just loved him. Score for mom right? No. Its his birthday and I decide to do something so amazing for him because I am an idiot girl in love. I bought him flying lessons as a surprise and have planned to take him to fly a plane for his birthday without him knowing. The night before I was so excited and happy, until the asshat proceeds to inform me that his children will be arriving on the plane in the morning and my kids and I should go stay at my mothers house until they leave. Really??? So being the dummy that I am I say I understand. I take him flying, pack up my kids directly following, and drive six hours to my mothers house. Yes I know, DOORMAT!
About a week after his children arrived we were supposed to come home because they were supposed to be leaving. I make the long and terrible drive back home only to find that they are still there in our home. Not only that, but he also let their mother, aka the soon-to-be-ex, stay in our house. I get mad but a suck it up and go to work. I was only going to work for a week and then returning home for vacation, that we had planned, together. We talked on the phone every night and were planning the two weeks that we were to be spending together. He picked me up from the bus when I got into town. I was so excited but as soon as I saw his face I knew something was up. Oh was I sadly underprepared for the conversation that we were going to have. He decided that he couldn't hurt his kids that way and was taking back his wife. I know, totally my own fault. Really, I see most of what has happened being my own fault. I knew what he was, I loved him anyway.
I was absolutely destroyed but compared to what has happened in the last six years this was a cake walk. I cried all day, every day for about two weeks. I was so devastated. I was angry, sad, and a range of emotion even still I don't fully understand. Still don't and I feel like I am feeling them again now.
How do you love someone who you know is breaking your heart every second of the day? Easy, he's my best friend and I have so much fun when we are together. I still adore him, want to spend my life with him. I want to follow our dreams and build our future. Raise our kids and travel the world. We are so good together but our work keeps us apart for periods of time and that is when his penis houses his brain and somehow gets stuck in his butt.
Interested in more of my sad and pathetic marriage? Check back later, I have to get it all out. Hopefully if I do that I will heal. One way or the other, with or without him. Right now the thought of him not being in my life makes me sick. The thought of him around me makes me sick. Turns out I am a mess of contradictions and confusion for now.