I want to make something clear, people who act with narcissistic cruelty do know their behavior is wrong. This isn’t just an idea, it’s something I see in how they act differently depending on who’s watching. If you’ve ever tried to explain away a narcissist’s cruelty by thinking they “don’t know” or “don’t mean it,” I want you to stop right there, as we all deserve better than to be the excuse for someone else’s abuse.
These individuals put on a “mask” in public, so charming, polite, friendly, and this make people actually admire them. But as soon as the audience is gone their behavior changes, the compliments vanish and in private they become harsh, critical or even verbally abusive.
You might experience this at a family gathering where everything seems perfect only for the person to turn on you in the car ride home. This split between public and private behavior isn’t just a detail, it’s proof that they know their actions aren’t acceptable.
If they can control themselves in front of others that means it’s a choice not a lack of awareness.
They act differently when they think nobody else will see, and they might ask, “Are you on speaker?” before they start shouting. They save the worst of themselves for those closest to them, and that’s not an accident, it shows calculation. They know that if others saw their true self it would make them look bad, that's enough sign that they know their behavior is wrong and they don’t want to be held accountable.
Here’s my personal opinion
When someone is able to turn their charm on and off, it's a conscious strategy to protect themselves and manipulate those around them. When you see this pattern, kind to strangers, cruel in private, you know what’s really happening.
You’re ain't the problem and you're not imagining the abuse, it's freaken real buddy.