🌺 I remember reading a story of a guy who found out he wasn't able to receive love. Even though his heart felt so open, he experienced rays of love shining from inside, he was surprised to realize how he never felt loved. He ended up with partners who were open to receiving but not giving love to another person. The law of attraction made sure his vibration would be matched. Because this is exactly what LOA means. It's not about what you wish for, what you visualize or write down hundred times each morning. It is only about what you hide deep within. That will be projected and answered accordingly.
So after some time, he started his healing journey of which a part was learning to receive, learning to trust. He knew the one thing he had to do was to love himself.
Because when we love ourselves nobody who can't love us will enter our life.
🌺 This story got me thinking about me being in a similar position.
I've always assumed that me loving someone simply means they love me back!
I found out I was so focused on loving others, on showing them my love, proving them my love, explaining my love, and yes, even taking my love away at times to spill it all over the place again
All of these exhausting actions made me numbed to myself. I didn’t even realize that I don’t love myself. And not only that, I actually kept a deeply rooted hate towards myself inside me.
Not only that I haven't watched well over my boundaries, but I've also pushed myself in a corner multiple times, I lost myself in each relationship and the only way to get by was by holding up some illusion of what I've got and what I thought I was receiving.
Until I could see, till I innerstood, that what I am receiving is not what I truly desire and what I really should be receiving. You see, the moment you do feel love for yourself, your body, your being, you will never settle for anything less than love.
🌺 As my healing journey was proceeding, I found out, all my life I felt guilty whenever I was receiving something good.
My upbringing was one that never allowed me to accept when people were offering me something. Even during the visit of my grand aunt on Christmas, I wasn't allowed to eat those delicious cookies, she made for us and put them on the table just in front of me. It was a real torture, especially those she called Sandokan's eyes because I was in love with him my whole childhood. This brave beautiful long-haired hero became also a blueprint for what kind of a guy I wanted.
But never got, of course. Because although I was extremely romantic, the world these days produces very little amount of heroes and gentlemen. Before I realized it, I always projected my romantic needs on every boy and later every man I fell in love with just to be bitterly disappointed a little while later. Damn those romantic movies!
🌺 My mum also often told me, or rather shouted at me, when she got angry with me, which happened quite often, that I didn't deserve to be loved or to have something good happening for me.
So perhaps it is because of these little things we start to believe we are unworthy, we should be ashamed of who we are and absolutely never ever want something for ourselves. That would be selfish. Nobody loves selfish people, they are the worst!
So here we are, struggling to feel love, to receive love, and slowly dying without love.
Not knowing it is our birthright to live a life full of love, pleasure, abundance, and joy.
We are suffering on a collective level due to lack of love and due to a belief that we are, somehow, not good enough, that we have to live in misery to earn bit of some goodies.
"To earn living."
It's a big lie. We are already good, we are enough, we are loveable and we deserve to live the juiciest life we can have. Right now!
But on a daily base, we prefer to convince ourselves that we are not worthy, we are small, we can't be loved and we will never be.
How did that happen?
Generations of people harming themselves by a belief they are unworthy and undeserving.
Putting the same spell over their children in the name of being a good person. In the eyes of whom?
Our partners are extensions of our parents. Even the words they use to hurt us are almost the same.
How lucky we are!
We can keep on coming back to the same crap over and over again.
Until we awaken.
Please awaken.
~Nika 🌺
