Feelings of sadness and regret and remorse are overwhelming me right now and I cannot get them under control. I read the words and try to use my brain to tell myself that it is only temporary and in time it will pass but my voice is only a small breeze in the tempest tornado that is raging within. Longing for blue sky to break through the dark clouds I wait silently alone, patience born from necessity my only comfort to cling to. Ravens circle above my head watching intently, probing the mask of stoic resolve for a crack of weakness to exploit. Before me stretches the sea of my mind and the shoreline I stand upon represents the foundation of my soul. Waves crash all around me as I seek to bring calm to the storm but despite my efforts the shoreline continues to erode as I stand upon it. As each wave comes to me I can see the representations of the past and the future colliding together in a joyous dance of devastation, gathering strength as probability combines with reality. A child reaching out in innocence, trusting and loving to the beasts that he does not perceive in their true form. A weak and fragile boy trying to be strong in the face of horror he could never understand, believing he must become a man. A young man full of hate and rage lost in his pursuit of an illusion he truly invests himself in. Now I sit here with tears streaming down my face at the age of forty, broken and lost. So much time has passed and yet no time has passed at all in the storm-plagued sea that is my mind. In the distance I visualize the faint flicker of a lighthouse beckoning me to enter into the sea and swim out to it, it is there that I will find solid ground to stand upon once again. But it is so far away and the sea is screaming with rage that I am to scared to try for fear that I may perish in the attempt. My shoreline continues to erode around me and the realization is beginning to wash over me that there is no choice merely the concept of one. I take my first step into the water and the cold is paralyzing to my flesh. Soon I will have to begin to swim the distance and as the water takes me into it's cold embrace I will pray for the strength to keep from succumbing to the siren call of peace that awaits me in eternal sleep lying in the depths below.