Good Morning steemit! I have always wanted to tell my story. I have told bits and pieces to a trusted few but never the whole story. I considered writing a book but didn't know if I can release my story without anonymity. So I decided to share my story with the steemit community. This is the first time I have told my whole story, it's a long one so I have to break it up into parts. Also writing and reliving some of my early experiences brings up feelings that you are sometimes uncertain about, like the shame I still carry with me. I have to go slow as to not trigger any symptoms of anxiety or depression.
This is my story.....
I met him at a house party, a skipping party is what we use to call it. My friend Debbie* convinced me to skip school and go. Skipping school was not an easy decision for me at that time. I was in all Advanced placement classes and missing one day meant I was missing a lot of work which meant a lot of catch up work to do. Also my parents were very strict and if the school called my house regarding truancy my father would have my ass on a stick. But like any good girl knows sometimes you just have to throw caution to the wind and let your hair down and just have fun. I decided to go to the party with her.
image credit @ clipartix.com
We were there for a couple of hours before he came up to me. I was sitting in the corner with a soda, while others passed blunts and bottles all around the party. He came over and introduced himself, his name was Billy* and he offered me smoke but as always I turned it down. We talked for the rest of the day while the party carried on. He was very sweet, very smart, and he listened to me. We didn't kiss, hold hands, hug, nothing. We just talked and it was very nice. I gave him my house number with a warning, Do not call after nine pm please my parents will hang up on you. He laughed and promised he would call before nine.
He called me a few days later and we developed a great friendship. We talked almost everyday on the phone. He lived in a different city and went to a different school, when he did go to school. He listened to all my fears, my dreams, my emotional instability (I had not at that point been evaluated by a psychiatrist). He was the complete opposite of my father: He encouraged me, never judged me and he believed in me. He believed that I could reach my goal of becoming a doctor. He believed that I had a good heart and was a great person, something my father always expressed was the opposite. I started lying to my parents telling them I was going to the library or going to work and I would go to his house. We would hang out in his room, he smoked blunts and he cooked dinner while I studied and did my homework. Then his father, sometimes his sister, him and myself would sit and have dinner. Than he would take me home (on the bus). We were both only 14 years old.
Slowly we started holding hands, kissing and finally one night we had sex. It was nice and he was gentle but let's be real I was 14 years old, too young to really appreciate the risks involved in sex. Once we started we couldn't stop. Shortly after I started feeling weird. I would wake up with nausea, morning sickness is a misleading term, I was nauseous all day. Certain smells like meat made me vomit and I was so tired all the time. I finally confessed my symptoms to him and we walked to the drugstore and bought a pregnancy test. It confirmed I was pregnant.
image credit @ nephcure.org
Telling my family was very difficult especially since they didn't even know he existed. Pregnant at 14!! Come on!! My mother yelled, you were going to be the first person from our family to go to college! I sat there and took the tongue lashing from my parents. Back then we did not scream back or yell at our parents, you just took your punishment.
The next few months were a blur. I found out I was pregnant the summer before I was to enter high school. I was accepted into a school that allowed you to take classes at the local universities. It promoted community involvement and it was a very prestigious school that was very hard to get into. The whole school had about 300 students. When I called them to tell them I was pregnant and wanted to know what special arrangements needed to be made because I was to deliver during the school year they told me they did not accept pregnant teenagers. I was appalled. Do you accept the fathers of these pregnant teenagers' baby? I asked. The conversation went down hill from there.
I called the other school I was accepted into. It was a regular high school but I was accepted in the Advanced Placement Program. My electives were to be taken outside of normal school hours to make room for credit classes during the school day. It was very demanding. I met with the program directors and begged them not kick me out of the program. I brought in my midwife to discuss my pregnancy, I brought my caseworker that was assigned to my case at the clinic, I brought in my mother (my father was not bothered with these details so he stayed home nursing a hangover), I brought Billy* as well (hell I didn't do this alone). They allowed me to stay in the program but on a probationary basis. The reason for my probationary status was my pregnant belly.
image credit @classroomclipart.com
With everything going on we saw less of each other but we talked on the phone almost everyday. He was at every doctor's visit, he helped me with some of my school projects when I just did not have time or the energy to finish. He was my rock when I felt I couldn't go on any longer. My midwife was a little unsure of the due date so I was sent to a specialist to figure out some things. Billy* went with me and my mother to the specialist. I remember passing a Burger King and telling them I wanted some french fries after the visit. We sat in the exam room for long time in silence, there was a lot of tension between my family and him and his family. The doctor finally came in and did the sonogram. After a few minutes of examination the doctor stopped and looked up at me.
I found it, the doctor announced with a smile on his face. It's twins, that is why you are measuring larger than expected. Twins, the doctor repeated, twins.
WHAT?! my mother exclaimed and then fainted. Billy* turned a very pale gray color. A nurse was called in. When we left the doctor's office we were all in shock. Needless to say I did not get my french fries that day.
The rest of the months flew by. My pregnancy produced a lot of medical conditions, the work load at my school was getting to be overwhelming, and the tension between our families was very stressful. I developed an extensive amount of swelling on my feet and hands and the doctor induced me 6 weeks before my due date. The twins were born and were immediately rushed to the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit and I was rushed to the Intensive Care Unit. I had lost a lot of blood and I went into shock.
image credit @ cliparting.com
I was in the hospital for almost two weeks before I saw the girls. I was 15 years old and just gave birth to twins and I was very very ill. I can remember laying there in so much pain, and feeling so hot I was sweating, tears running down my cheeks. I was in so much pain and I couldn't move. The nurses came in to change my dressing and taking my vitals. They were a little rough and I remember thinking why are they not being gentle, I was in so much pain, they most know I'm in so much pain, but I couldn't talk. I remember hearing my mother's voice asking if the names they picked out for the girls was okay. They had to get a name for the birth certificate. Billy* is filling out the paperwork, he is giving the girls his last name honey. She was crying. I remember Billy* coming in and wiping my tears, holding and kissing my hand, thanking me for the girls and sometimes he would change my dressing. I remember coming in and out of consciousness and hearing the nurses and doctors discuss my case, my age and the sadness of it all. It's very hard thinking about that time now.
My mother helped a lot with the babies, my dad left when the twins were a year old. Said he couldn't take the shame I brought on the family. I found out later that he had another woman up there that was waiting for him. I just gave him an excuse to go. Even though we were no longer in a romantic relationship Billy* helped a lot too. His father would pick the babies up on Friday and bring the twins back on Sunday, like clock work. He was a very reliable man and my mother and I grew to really love Mr. Bill*.
I wanted to prove to everyone and myself that I could still do this, go to college and become a doctor. During the next couple of years I worked my ass off in high school, I graduated early with a high GPA. I even started working as a Peer Educator at a company that advocated for teens to educate others on safe sex, HIV/AIDS, pregnancy, and health issues impacting teenagers. I also worked at a Teen Clinic on Saturday mornings taking vital signs and as a Peer Educator providing an educated and experienced shoulder to cry on to teenagers and their parents. I spoke at colleges, schools, church groups, I was even interviewed by the local news. My glass was full and there just wasn't enough room for much else including him. We became distant and talked less to each other but he was still readily available for the twins. Then he got arrested. For fucking robbing houses. REALLY?! I screamed at him. ARE YOU OUT OF YOUR FUCKING MIND? I was so upset because he was my backup if I couldn't relay on him I'm fucked. What if something happened to my mother or his father? I'm fucked!
I received a full scholarship to a big University in town for their Nursing Program. But I was stubborn, I did not want to be a nurse I wanted to be a doctor! So at 17 years old, while the twins were in daycare, Billy* was at home on house arrest, and Mr. Bill* and my mother were at work I walked into the local Military Recruiting Office and walked up to the office of the Air Force, but they were closed. I started to walk out the building but saw that the Navy office was opened. I walked in and introduced myself. We talked for about two hours and they told me to call my mother because of my age she would have to sign for me to go to Boot camp. Also I had to prepare the twins for my departure. The military would need to be sure that they will be cared for properly and I will not be called back to care for them. If they were to be left with my mother or his father a valid power of attorney or change in custody had to be made and that would take time. I had an alternative solution I told him. Let's call my mom and get the ball rolling. So we did.
The next month was filled with visits to the recruiting office, a visit to the MEPS (Military Processing) station, and preparing the twins for my absence. They were two years old and very happy but energetic, smart and spoiled girls. Billy* was hanging with different friends, dating different girls and getting into some interesting situations. I was focused with school and work. Our common denominator was the twins. He was always there for the girls and they loved his Dad. I reached out to him about taking the twins but he said he couldn't. He couldn't leave the house because he was on house arrest, he didn't have a job, and he never had the girls for more than a week straight. This would be for an unspecified amount of time. But you have mom and Dad I said. The conversation did not go well.
image credit @commons.wikimedia.org
The day I was suppose to leave to go to MEPS and process out to boot camp I packed all of the girls stuff and loaded it up into a taxi. My mother was crying, begging me to leave the twins. with her. You work to hard, I told her, plus Mr.Bill* said he will bring the twins on the weekends and any other time you want to see them. This will be good for them I told her, Billy* is their father they need that. My father was absent for about 11 years before reappearing for a few years and then disappearing again. I had daddy issues and I knew it. I didn't want the girls to go through that. I climbed into the waiting car and gave the driver his address. When we pulled up to his house my recruiter was sitting in his car. While the taxi driver unloaded the bags and baby gear I walked over to him and told him I should be out in a few minutes.
I walked up to the front door holding each of the girls' hand. I knocked loudly and his Dad opened the door and smiled. The girls threw themselves on him and hugged each leg. This is the day? He asked. Yup, I'm leaving to Great Lakes tomorrow morning I said.
Come on ladies, I have a surprise for you it's in the back, he said. We all walked in to the house and I gave the girls each a kiss good bye but I stayed in the living room and Mr.Bill* walked toward the backyard with the girls yelling out, Lil' Bill*, you have company.
When he came up the faint smell of Mary Jane filled the room, some girl came up behind him. Kissed him good bye, gave me a dirty look, and passed by me to get to the door and let herself out.
Billy*, I'm leaving to Boot camp. The ladies stuff is on the porch. I said.
We talked about this, its not logical. He said calm as can be and high as can be.
Figure it out, and limit your hoochie intake while they girls are here (yes I actually said that) I hissed and walked out.
He followed me out and watched me walk into the waiting car. I was 17 years old and was leaving to boot camp. I didn't know if I was making the right decision. I did not know when I would see the girls again. What I did know is that I still had a chance of making my dream come true, I still had the chance to become a doctor.
image credit @ dreamtime.com AND worldartsme.com
Come on back to read Part #2, where I go into the second part of my journey
PART # 2 (BOOT CAMP AT 17 YEARS OLD)
Also please visit my husband @ highlite on steemit.
* Names changed to maintain anonymity