Late one evening at the beginning of February this year, I was home alone. Ruminating over the Instagram story I had just prepared, my heart was racing; adrenaline violently coursing through my veins.

Unable to withstand the anxiety, I hurriedly pressed save, stood up and began pacing around my room.

Recalling a recent phone conversation I’d had with my Mum, a single bead of sweat slowly began to trickle down the side of my face. “I wouldn’t be sharing that kind of thing online,” she had warned. “It’s not really appropriate.”
I understood her concern.

Admitting in public that you struggle with mental illness was a risky thing to do.

The stigma is real.

However, deep down I just knew that I had to share.

I felt obliged, not only to explain where I had been for the past 5 months, but more importantly to do my part in helping raise awareness and breaking down the walls of prejudice.

I checked my watch. 2:14 AM.

It was now or never.

I closed my eyes, took a long breath in and as I exhaled, I opened my eyes and immediately pushed send.

Done.

I had just let the world know that I suffered with depression.

Screen Shot 2018-06-18 at 15.33.40.png

The response was immediate. Private message after private message came flooding in with such kind and supportive words.

“I’m so proud of you for finding the courage to talk about your struggles with depression. I’m right there with you ❤️😊”

“Sending a big hug 😘”

“You’re not alone babe. It’s brave of you speak about it though. I hope you receive nothing but a positive reaction 😘 ”

“Vicki!!! Are you doing better now? If you ever want to talk, I’m here!”

“I love that you’re being so open!”

“Hi sweetie, I’m going through the same thing. Thank you for sharing, it helps to know I’m not alone.”

I knew then and there that I had made the right decision.

The burden I had been carrying for so long had, within seconds, been lifted. My shoulders finally relaxed and a slow, soft smile worked its way across my face.

Over the years, I’ve experienced the odd moments of mild depression, however in September of 2017, things took a turn for the worse.

Seemingly out of nowhere, I fell into a deep and dark hole. Whereas before, I’d have a few days of feeling low and then bounce back, this time it got progressively worse as each day went by.

Ultimately, I stopped socialising (both in person, and online) and lost all motivation to work, exercise or eat.

I was drowning in helplessness and I couldn’t see a way out.

Luckily for me, I had amazing support from my fiancé. Evening after evening, he would lovingly wrap me up in his arms while I cried myself to exhaustion.

They say once you’ve hit rock bottom, the only way to go is up.

Thankfully, in time, and with a lot of work, I managed to climb my way back up and out of my hole.

Initially, I’d chosen Instagram to share my story because it was a quick and easy way to be open and connect with others. However, the platform really isn’t suited for long form stories.

I found this out after recording over 15 videos talking about my recovery process…
Screen Shot 2018-06-18 at 15.33.55.png

I had to look for a better medium (pun intended!).

At this point, I’d been a member of Medium for over a year, but had hardly spent any time on it. I’d read the occasional article that came up whenever I google searched for something, but nothing more.

I'd never even commented on anything.

That was all about to change however, after I came across an article by Jason Snell.

Screen Shot 2018-06-18 at 15.39.38.png

His story was so moving and really connected with me.

I left my first ever comment and decided then and there that I wanted to write on Medium to share my story.
Screen Shot 2018-06-18 at 15.34.17.png

Of course, it wasn’t that simple.

Medium was full of so many talented writers and I seriously doubted my writing ability.

It was intimidating.

Yet, thanks to all the inspiring stories I’ve now read and the kind encouragement from fellow writers, I’m taking the plunge to start telling my story, and share my thoughts.