I would rather be reading.
I like to write, don't get me wrong
it's therapeutic
it's how i connect with myself and develop intimacy. Because it's like having a conversation with myself to see what and how I am thinking.
Showing up for myself, to listen to myself, consistently... is the challenge. It's a challenge to be consistent. It's a challenge to be consistent to myself and probably to anyone else in my life with whom I am developing intimacy.
Which is nobody, at this point. To be honest, I am a little mystified. But also, not so much. Because over the last two years or so... maybe my entire dating history? I have been with people I didn't really like. I liked them enough; they were nice to me, they gave me attention, they showed up, they were consistent, but they weren't anyone I could go all-in with. The last person I dated I knew he wasn't it. But I kept it going for a few months because I wanted to "wait and see" if I discovered something that wasn't already apparent. Of course, I didn't. I discovered he was loud and frivolous and talking with him sounded like reading work emails. And I don't know if I'm being unfair here, but he never seemed to want to put in effort. He only ever planned one date. And I had to go to him. If he was already home after work there was very little chance of seeing him unless I went to his place. I don't know. I just couldn't connect with him.
And now... it's not like I don't have opportunities, but, it's just... I have higher standards? I'm not looking for a little action here and there, not looking for a person I see every six weeks and the rest of the time don't communicate with, not looking to Frankenstein together the scraps to come up with a whole person to be with me. But at the same time... I'm not going to go all-in with someone just because he gives me a lot of attention and shows himself willing to show up to build intimacy with me. It's going to take time for me to feel safe with anyone, so at the first sign of a man not being able to handle me setting a boundary I run. If anyone wants to rush me into making a decision, into getting naked, into committing myself, into anything too fast, I run. Has it been bad luck? Have I been bad at choosing potential candidates? Have I just been entertaining anyone who looks my way only long enough to find the fault in them?
Though I am proud of myself. For being able to say a whole lot of no lately. No to someone who isn't going to respect my boundaries. No to chasing after the love of a man who gives highly inconsistently, whom I'm physically attracted to but emotionally repelled from. No to only accepting the scraps. And with this "whole lotta no" I've managed to free up some pretty important space in myself. I am proud of myself for not trying to fill it back up right away. I mean, I don't know a whole lot about this space! Is it warm or cold? Does it echo or is my singing muffled? Soft or hard? What's there? Is it neat? Where are the places that need to heal? Where do I need stitches? ice? heat? Reiki?
I want to know this place well before I let anyone in again.
I freed up a space that had been occupied by the same ratty collection of scraps for six years. They were good scraps. They were beautiful scraps. Some were even big enough to hold me and make me feel safe. But scraps are scraps and I don't have any more time for that; I want something coherent and consistent.