Image Source: Writeups.org
Greetings, fellow superheroes. My Name is Captain Amazing, and I’m here to share my boundless wisdom, wit, and occasional foolishness with the internet world.
If you watched the movie Mystery Men during the late 90s, then you already know my tragic but hilarious story. I worked tirelessly to rid the world’s greatest city from all manner of villains and thuggery, one bad guy at a time. Finally, having vanquished all my enemies in Champion City, I stood as a beacon of freedom and justice for all to celebrate.
Crowds loved me. Women swooned over me. Manly men frowned and grunted because they secretly envied me. Children sang songs about me and asked for my dolls as birthday presents.
I’m told that even Charles Bronson and Chuck Norris cried when hearing my name sung in the streets, because in their deepest heart of hearts they knew that I would always be the better hero.
Many years later, both Barack Obama and Donald Trump would cite me as major inspirations for their historic victories. (Seriously, did you not actually listen to their inaugural speeches? What, no? Man, you people are lazy.)
Anyway, back to my story.
I soon grew restless of this more peaceful life where crime-fighting just wasn’t needed anymore. Rumor had it that my public image had declined, so I knew I needed to take desperate action. That’s when I made one of the all-time blunders in the world of imaginative literature:
I let Casanova Frankenstein out.
That’s right, my greatest adversary was safely locked up in some kind of mental hospital/asylum/prison/fantasy jail type of thing, and for some stupid reason, I just let him out.
Yeah, I know. Pretty dumb.
At the time, I blamed my agent (what, you didn’t know superheroes had public relations and business staff?), but now I know better. Truth be told, I had just gotten bored of working in a city that had no crime, so I let my nemesis out of jail so I could have one last super battle with all of the glamor and praise that went with it! (Oh yeah, and that justice thing, or something.)
As punishment for my abominable crime, Casanova captured me and tied me up in front of this totally awesome weapon I wish I had thought of myself. Then, this group of fake superhero wannabes tried to rescue me, but they accidentally set the darn weapon off and burned me to a crisp. Sadly, Captain Amazing’s life had come to an end. (Or so they thought.)
The real story is pretty simple, really. My years of living off fast food and microwaved tv dinners, as well as siphoning gasoline by mouth despite the warning labels, had completely transformed my DNA and allowed my body to regenerate itself.
So, I just walked away while no one was looking, much like the young Invisible Boy, and I embarked on a new life of peaceful introspection and daily blogging.
So here I am – a former crimefighter now becomes a blogger at Steemit! It’s amazing how life can turn out.
So, besides my former celebrity life, what else is there to know about me? Well, let’s see. I love science fiction (obviously), as well as baseball, soccer, writing, learning languages, history, literature, biology, and golden retrievers.
Let’s see, what else…
My English teacher taught me to always use a comma in a series right before the conjunction, which has apparently become oh, so passé. Will I change with the times? I don’t know. These kind of soul-wrenching, life-altering, and bowel-inflaming decisions take time, you know. (Oops, there’s that comma before the and again.)
My own thinking is that the whole comma thing is part of a vast Communist conspiracy, but then I just re-watched the original Red Dawn and Patrick Swayze can be pretty convincing, so who knows.
How about some pet peeves...
If you are American like me, then I oppose your British-like pronunciation of words that end in “ile,” like juvenile, docile, and missile. I almost passed out the other day when I heard an American radio host say “miss-I’ll.” I admit pronouncing infantile without the ”I’ll” sounds awkward at first, but that’s only because the Redcoats have come so far in infiltrating the colonies. Sometimes, when I lay awake at night, I can see George Washington’s tears.
(By the way, he occasionally speaks to me, so I know for a fact he didn’t pronounce it this way.)
Now, if you live on the other side of the Pond, it’s cool. In fact, you’re cool. Long live the Queen and all that. I’m sure there are millions of Americans like me who pretend to be better than you but secretly want to be you, or at least talk like you. After all, sophisticated British accents (no, not the Cockney ones) can be so dreamy. Who wouldn’t want to talk like Doc Martin, for instance? But we can’t, so we don’t, and we’ll just have to live with it. That’s life.
One more pet peeve: if you don't like puppies or chocolate chip cookies, then you're a monster. There, I said it.
Okay, I’ve gotten off topic. The point is I’m here on Steemit, and I’ll be writing regularly. So stay tuned!
Well, I guess that it’s it for now. Cheerio.