Hi Steemians,
I HAVE TATTOOS ON MY FACE, "WOOOOW!!"
Let me try taking you back in time...
This was, now I think about it, already one of the main issues why things collapsed a couple of years later...
At that stage, it did not become very clear to me what she meant with that, but the day after it did...
We went to a clinic with her mother for the echo and the current status of the pregnancy. They made an echo and from that, they could tell us that we were +/- 6 weeks far... It was beautiful, seeing something like this, I cannot describe what such feeling does with a person...
Then, they asked us if we wanted to have the picture of the echo and her mother said directly: 'no, they don't need the picture as they will do abortion anyway'. Something what we did not even decide together, and something I wouldn't even agree on in the first place.
We left the clinic and the next couple of days we talked about what happened, and what we will be doing next... Without any decision made, I needed to go to work the next morning. I think it was around 11AM when I received a call from my girlfriend and she told me that the abortion is done, and if I could come to the clinic to support her. My world broke, the pain at that moment is something your worst enemy doesn't even deserve.
But, I did went to the clinic, I did support her, I did put a mask on my face at that moment, just, again, because of the feelings for my girlfriend.
She stayed at her parent's house for the next couple of days while I stayed with friends of mine, as I couldn't be around her and her family at that moment. I visited her once per day, and one of the evenings just before I left, in the door-opening, she whispered in my ear 'the next time we keep it, I promise'.
Of course, I got FREAKING pissed because of the word 'IT', like it's an object... But, I did forgive her somehow, as I had the feeling that her mother and father had such a huge influence in this choice.
After a couple of months, we decided to move to Belgium and start a life together there, just to not stick around in the past and start all over again. That went quite well in the beginning. I mean, I rented a nice penthouse, bought new furniture and it really felt like home.
Also, we were planning to start our own business, so we rented a store and were busy with flipping it into a tanning salon with a separate part for selling accessories for ladies (shoes, bags etc.).
One day, during this renovation, my girlfriend called me and told me to come home as soon as possible, which I did. I needed to sit down. She went to sit as well and told me she was pregnant, again. I didn't know what to say, do, how to behave... Like it was unreal, not happening, but it was happening.
So, this time, I knew we would keep it, what of course would change our lives completely, but that didn't matter to me.
Until a couple of days later... her parents called me and told me that she was doing an abortion at that moment, again. This moment, when this was said, left a scar for the rest of my life. I told her father that he could pick up her stuff and that I never want to see them anymore, including my girlfriend.
It was over, my feelings were gone, my mind switched to autopilot and everything that we had in Belgium, collapsed the same day. I gave up the apartment the same day, lost a 3K euro deposit, without having an alternative to stay, but at that stage, I didn't care as I didn't want to be there anymore.
For a short while, I came into a depression, was sleeping outside as friends were not the friends you expected them to be. Even at some point, when it was that cold, I didn't want to live anymore, at least, that's what I thought at that moment.
On these lonely nights, alone in the cold, you start thinking about life and the choices you ever made to be where you are... I had almost everything, a few times, and that came all by myself. I didn't need any help from others, I mean, maybe I did, but they just weren't there, so why I should give up at this stage in life?
Exactly... I started contacting everyone I knew, just for a small kick start so I could get my life back to 'normal' again. I started working in a factory on the night shifts and by day I was making music. The music was my way to tell my stories, store my feelings, get peace in general. It helped me going through this rough situation and brought me to the place where I am, and this is what it did every single moment I was in trouble or whenever I was in a difficult situation with feelings, again and again.
At this moment, I decided to give my pain a place, and for me, tattoos are something to do this. I was so broken from losing my kid twice, that I wanted to be remembered for it every single day. Every day when I look in the mirror, I know I could have a kid, or two, but I also know that music helped me through this difficult situation, so everything that happens next is something I can handle, and there would never be a reason to give up on life.
This is why I have the tear below one eye, as this stands for the kids I lost, and the music note, as music always helped me to go though any difficult situation.
So no, I did not murder anyone, but I do like the fact that people are judging me on this tattoos so I can show them that they're wrong, and that it's just a scar of what happened in my past.
Thank you for reading this article, I know it was quite long but I really tried to keep the story as short as possible to not come over as a negative person. Everyone has a past and everyone handles their own shit on their own way. Something we all should respect.
